random thoughts on life and family...

well once again it is time for our house to be highjacked...though i doubt this time will prove to be the burden it was last... i love Ed's mom and grandma, and i'm so glad they're here.. i love moms... and grandmas... i feel really lucky right now... and for adora too... she has 3 grandmas!, just like her daddy did... well she actually has 4, my grandma (noni) who lives in a nursing home in illinois... it's so sad... i wish family was like it was in the old days, where we all lived together, or at least really close by, and we took care of our elderly family... not that i blame anyone in my family for my grandma being in a home... it just kind of happened that way, and was never anyone's intention...

anyway, i love seeing adora with her grandma's... each of them... it's like she can sniff out a softy a mile away... she gets so cute and cuddly, once she realizes there's someone around who's gonna baby her and spoil her rotten... funny thing is, i don't really mind... sometimes i do, when i think about how hard it's gonna be when they leave, but i was so impressed with how quickly she snapped back after my mom left, and i've also been feeling a little more sentimental with not wanting her to grow up too fast, and realizing that she really is still a baby herself, as nanny joe reminds me, and i'm not so intent on ruining the grannies' fun, as i once was... i did go easier on my mom too, though she may not have noticed....

anyway...at the same time, i've been thinking a lot about how to raise obedient children, my husband and i both, and we are starting to question everything... we worry sometimes that we are too hard on her... that we expect too much from her... she's so smart and she can be so good, but sometimes so... never devious, but.. i don't know... obnoxious i guess... sensitive really... she tends to cry too often, and gets her feelings hurt so easily...it's hard to say if it's a conscious thing or not...

we were reading "to train up a child" and felt it was a great way to go about it...but lately, no just hasn't been enough... and i hate spanking her... but she does seem to respond well to it... just i hate doing it over and over for the same things...

it's strange though...how a kid will naturally obey their father over their mother... i've seen it a dozen times... i was always wondering if it was something the mother did wrong, and now that it's me, and i'm already so insecure, i'm afraid she'll never listen to me... i've heard it's a normal phase all children go through... but for some reason that's not very encouraging... i'm not sure why...

anyway... life is good... she really is a good girl, and i'm amazed by her everyday... and chloe is just incredible... a bit of a piggy, but wonderful all the same...

my biggest challenge right now, is with the realization that true peace is not dependent on circumstances... too often i let the trials of my daily life wear me down, and fail to notice the warm embrace of God waiting for me in a welcome gesture, till i'm weeping and broken on the floor... ahh well.. we grow, we learn, we gain a little bit of perspective everyday, our sight coming clearer with each new victory...or failure...

as the earth turns toward the sun, may my heart be in a perpetual yearning and striving after the heart of my Savior

more to say...

well i guess i'm doing pretty good... in reference to my last post... i mean i'm tempted to go on and on, listing off all the offenses, the wrongs i've suffered, and the injustices i've endured... but i don't feel right about it... all i will say is
1. i've never been more offended by, hurt by, and mad at someone, as i was her, in my whole life
2. i'm also mad at myself, because i feel like i never stick up for myself or say what's really on my mind and heart, mostly out of fear of confrontation... despite the accusation that i like to create argument..
3. i really am just sad about it all (more sad than anything)... i was mad for a time, and felt like i needed affirmation for the feeling of being sinned against... but now it's just so sad to me.. i know i keep repeating that word, but it's the best one i have...
4. i feel like i should talk more about the relational, spiritual, and philosophical aspects of it, than the specifics of what happened... especially since
5. steffanie still is a human being, made in the image of God, and loved by our Creator, just as much as me, so really, i have no right to go on about it... and because that's another thing about what love is and is not, or does and does not do... godly love anyway...
6. love does not keep a record of wrongs suffered... and since
7. i have already myself failed every aspect of true love, as described in 1st Corinthians chapter 13, i would like to not continue on in that direction...


so.... i'm not trying to pat myself on the back really, just i've been mulling over all of it now for a while... and have written a few "posts" in my mind, all of which are only shameful to me....and, so, i guess i'm just saying to the part of me that still wants to be heard on all the stuff that i know better than to so say, that.."hey... it's ok...it's better not to...you'll only regret saying all that...."

it's kind of odd though... because there is a point that she had made one day about venting that does make sense... it does feel good to let it all out, the "bad" thoughts that swim around in your head... to say all that's on your mind, and then analyze it later..

but another point was made by my husband, a crucial one, and that is, that there has to be a line... between venting, and slander that should not be crossed... in other words, it's one thing to have an emotional release by talking about a difficult or stressful situation that you're going through, but it never makes it right to totally slander and defame someone's character by listing off all their faults or bad habits or specific things that they did... especially to others who were not involved in the circumstance, and especially if all the points are so exaggerated or blown up so as to not even be true...

so... since i certainly don't want the latter... to be safe, i won't even get into the prior...

anyway, once again, i'm gonna have to say..."more on that later", as my little hobbit baby is crying out for her second supper.... after first supper, and onesies and elevensies.. yes... just like a little hobbit...
couldn't have avoided it with me and her pa as parents... ok i go... it's gettin really loud now...

sad

sad is my word for the day

sad that my friend has left,

sad that we left on such bad terms,

sad that i was so happy to see her go... had anticipated it for days... had secretly sung to myself “ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead”--- but she's not dead, just gone, and she's not a witch, and she's no more wicked than any of us

sad that we actually did somewhat "make up" at one point after a huge blow out, only to "fight" again on the way to the airport

sad that even the attempt to "make up" felt so hollow... at least to me...

sad that after so many years of knowing someone, i now feel like we never really knew each other at all

sad that i'm not sure i can share all that is honestly on my heart, for fear it will come out all wrong, or do more harm than good.

sad that a friendship may have ended

sad that i gave up

sad that she may never truly know my heart for her, that i do love her, and have prayed for her, and wept for her, and been before a God in a desperate plea for her soul (again, not as though she's in any more need than anyone)

sad that if she read this she may still read me all wrong, as she has for most of these last 2 weeks

sad that we got along so poorly

sad that i was so grossly misunderstood

sad that so many things were blown way out of proportion

sad that i can't fully convince myself to not hate her, even in some small way, because although i do love her... love is such an odd and strange thing...

it doesn't mean warm and fuzzy feelings all the time you're around someone
it doesn't mean you never raise your voice
it doesn't mean communication comes naturally
it doesn't mean the best of intentions are a given
it doesn't mean i never get mad
it doesn't mean just be quiet and pretend everything is fine and it eventually will be
it doesn't mean ignore all the pent up resentments long enough and they'll just go away
it doesn't mean blindness
it doesn't mean numbness
it doesn't mean lollipops and fairy tales and all your wishes come true...

at least not human love, not in today's world, not with all the sin and crap we bear in our hearts daily.

no.

love is hard work, and it's not always pretty
it's not always flowers and chocolate. Not all the time...

sad that that's not true

anyway, i guess i'll have more to say on all this tomorrowow, but i really gotta go to bed right now

all i have to say, is i really can't handle how crazy, head over heals, and madly in love with my daughters i am... it's like an infatuation... i feel near bursting at the seems, ready to explode. Every cute thing, every smile, every new noise or word, every giggle, wiggle or jiggle sends me into puddles of adoration and intense glee... and i feel so lucky and special, it's almost scary... anyway...that's all i have to say right now...

did i mention pictures from tahoe?

ok, i've been slackin on that, but it's not all my fault...

for 1 the whole mastitis thing
for 2 our computer's been acting funky, maybe it's just the internet connection i don't know,but it has been very difficult, and slow, and i kept getting bumped off or losing the page mysteriously
and 3, almost every time i sit down, in less than 5 minutes, chloe' starts again with the "i'm crying cuz i don't know what i want, but if you hold me i won't cry unless you try to do something besides feed me" game... so much fun...

anyway, here's the Tahoe collection:

daddy takes Adora sledding for the first time...






grampy and his baby's babies



the girls...


the "family in the freezing cold" photo...


and last but not least,
uncle Rocco and the babies...

hooray!!!

I am pleased to report that I am do exceptionally well today. I had a few rough spells yesterday, all of which I feel are now rather well resolved, one scare where I thought I lost my antibiotics, but thankfully found, and the usual ups and downs expected with wife-life and motherhood...

The swelling and stiffness in my breast has finally subsided, I think I felt something literally pop inside me... maybe that sounds odd, but I've honestly felt better ever since, no more chills and fever, or aches and pains... a little tenderness but no big deal... And, in some ways best of all, baby 1 (adora) has started showing signs of jealousy... not bad or scarry, but a real and genuine interest in me again.. the only downside to it really, is that she has decided that the best time to climb on top of mommy is while she's nursing the baby... and she has to be right on top too... but it's so cute and sweet, and such welcome treat in comparison to the complete disregard of me alltogether... I was feeling so desperate for her attention, that now that I have it agian I'm too in love to be angry or annoyed....

I just love my little dora doo... and I'm so happy for her to have a little sissy, and I think chloe' is rather lucky to have her too, and to have her mommy who is absolutely in love with her... gosh it's the weirdest and most wonderful thing to be so in love with two sweet little girls... I could never prefer one over the other, and yet I love them each as if they were my one and only... it's almost too intense to handle sometimes...

to all my beloved commenters...

Thank you everyone for all the info... i feel a fresh batch of ammo... and i'm trying to keep a good attitude about things...
i get discouraged really easy, so having all the feedback has been a real blessing
thanks

good news, bad news...

the good:

we found our keys!!!

and got a new EBT card rather easily... oh joy, live off the government a little longer

and Ed had a job interview today that went rather well :-), he really wants a job where he is learning something rather than just some random job he could have anywhere making barely any money, and feel little reward from... this interview was at a wood working place where he would learn to make cabnitry and some furniture, something he's really wanted to learn for some time, so it'd be real cool for him to get the job... i hope he does... maybe then he could make Adora a little rocking chair! she would just love that...

the bad:

well not super bad actually, just

i still feel pretty terrible, but better i guess... i'm taking less pain killers anyway...

my boob is still red hot, litterally, bright red and burning hot

chloe' has almost totally given up on sleeping, or at least falling asleep on her own. She's become completely dependant on the boob... and i let her...bad mommy...

.......................
oh well though...
it's not too bad...
in fact there's more good news:

my friend steffany has been a huge blessing, i don't want to speak too soon, but she's already helped get so much done, my kitchen looks amazing, and she has such a great attitude, and loves to help, and her daughter is sooo cute...

we found our usb cable for our camara so i can upload photos from Tahoe... and not have to buy a new one

ed got a job offer in the city, one that pays big for a short time period... way cool, hope it all works out...
.......................

i am a little freaked out though about getting thrush... sugar is the hardest thing in the world for me to avoid...

oh but one more good thing,
i knew chloe was gaining some pretty good weight, but i found out how much today and could hardly believe it...
2 days after leaving the hospital she was 6 lbs 15 ozs, and now she's 9!!!! lbs and 3 ozs. is that incredible or what? what a porker!

ok she's ready to go back to bed so i guess i am too...

Mastitis...

(need I say more?)



Right now I am so sore I can barely move. There isn't a part of my body that's not in misery. My head is throbbing, every muscle aches, and one minute I'm shivering uncontrolably, and the next I'm sweating like a race horse. If I get up too fast I get so dizzy I almost fall over. My lungs feel like they'll collapse if I breathe in too deep, and my left breast looks and feels as though it were hit by a baseball bat... and not just any ol' hit, I'm talkin a real slugger here. If it was really a ball in an actual game, it not only would've been a homerun, but probably would've shot clear out of the whole stadium!

And all the while, my sweet little Chloe' has chosen this day of all days to give up on her near perfect sleeping schedule... but as hard on me as that is, I consider it a blessing from God, seeing as that's a very important factor in recovering from this, is to nurse your baby as often as possible... and given the fact that she hardly ever goes as long as I would want her to, and usually sleeps 2 hours inbetween every feeding, that's probably how the whole thing started... A plugged duct from improper draining. Plus I haven't been rotating her like I should. I forgot that it was really important. I thought it would just alleviate soreness, of which I had none. Well, live and learn I guess.

The real kicker is this all had to happen the day after my mom leaves! What luck eh? Well the good news is my saint of a husband is home to help me, and take care of me. The funny thing is he decided to drop out of shcool for (just for this semester) that morning, before any of the symptoms had started. So again it was like God send. The only thing to take up his time besides tending to me is him looking for a job, which he does online, so he's still here, and I'm not alone, and I don't have to lift a finger... well I almost don't. My dear little one acts as though she's near starving... something I was wishing for weeks ago. Oh well. at least I can say, slow but sure, my life seems to be falling in line. I don't want to sound too critical, but it had been my request that Ed not go to school this semester anyway, before we moved to Sacramento, knowing that I'd be having a baby (#2 at that), and we could use the extra money from him just working. Well he had agreed at first, but had decided to just take one class, so he could keep up on his math, and still be able to work... but over time that turned in to 3 classes, one being very hard math, with a very strict teacher, and piano and spanish... him thinking the latter two wouldn't have much homework requirements... Well it might not have been too bad except that 2 months later, and still no job, and him worried about me so much he could hardly keep up with any of it anyway. Then with us going to Tahoe, he took off a whole week from school, which at first seemed ok, but by the time we got back he was convinced he wouldn't be able to keep his grades up. So no grant money this semester, but it's better than having to pay it all back if he had failed his classes. Again, live and learn

Well, if I had finished this post sooner I wouldn't have gotten to share the lovely fact that we just lost our EBT card. If you don't know what that is, it's the card that has our foodstamps and cash aid on it, (what we're basically surviving on at the moment) and the only way to get another one is to hang out at the welfare office all day, litterally. Not something someone wants to do in my condition. Ed thinks maybe he left it at the bank (you can use it at regular atm's), and he's on his way there now on his bike in the hopes that he'll find it... he used the outside atm, so hopefully either nobody else used that one since then (very unlikely), or else any and everyone that did notice it there, left it there... seeing as the bank is closed... I guess if someone brought it inside we might be able to get it tomarrow... but another hope, mainly, is that no one took it, or that it wasn't dropped in some random spot never to be found by us...

All in all I'm determined not to let any of this get me down... but I can say, I'm having a real tough time with it. Please pray for us. Mostly I hope to not get thrush on top of the Mastitis, fom the antibiotics I have to take... But also, we really need our card, and we lost the keys to our car in Tahoe, and my friend flies in tonight... perfect timing eh? ya.. atough time indeed... HELP!!!

once a mother

Well that sad day has come.. visiting time is over, no more fun and games, my life of luxury has drawn to an end... my mommy is going home... (and we're leaving Tahoe...)

i guess i knew it was bound to happen... i mean what did i expect? her to stay here forever and always take care of me... never leave me nor forsake me, something like that?... no i guess that's Jesus' job now... or Eddie's... at least that's what she thought on our wedding day, when she looked at ed with a half mischievous grin and said, “she's your problem now!”

did she really believe her days of caring for me were over? That i wouldn't need her anymore, or be calling her every other day for some random recipe or cooking instructions... or to ask her advice on some matter of parenting... did she really believe, now that i had a husband, that he'd take care of all my problems, ease every worry and sway every fear, calm every last nerve, and dry every tear...?

or did she know that he inevitably would be the cause of a few, and the other half of that smile was to say she was only kidding herself...? and maybe she actually couldn't wait for all the more opportunity to exercise the love and support only a mother can?

ah, well, the funny thing is, as we both have found, that lately we've both rather needed each other a little, and in some ways i probably need her more now than ever before....

well i don't want to over-dramatize everything, buy i must say, i certainly have my wok cut out for me... and it doesn't help matters much, the fact that Adora is completely and totally in love with her grammy...(”meemee” she calls her).. which is of course a good thing, except that she totally freaks out, i mean we're talking complete hysteria here, every time grammy so much as leaves the room without informing her or bringing her with... let alone actually leaves... and such as the case being, i have been dreading this day more and more the nearer it got... hoping that by the time it came around, Adora would have fallen in love with me again.... i guess i just have to trust that she will eventually get over it...

it's an odd feeling really, as i analyze it... i mean i want my daughter(s) to love their grandmother.. but i can't help but be a little hurt, or jealous even, when she seems to be preferred over me... and then i feel selfish, but isn't that natural?... i mean i love her so much, and i've done so much for her, i gave birth to her, went through incredible lengths and amounts of pain for her, cried over her, feared for her life even, watched her grow and change day after day, for over a year now... i've fed her from my own body, and yet i feel like i am always second hand news to her...

first it was with her daddy... which i actually don't mind that much, though maybe that's because i know he's coming home every time he leaves... but with this it's different... i'm already feeling so vulnerable and incompetent... and abandoned myself i guess... i think i'm hitting on a rather deep rooted issue here... i think i've felt abandoned my whole life... but it's not like i really had all that much of a cause to really... my mom did all she could i believe... sure she didn't have to work i guess. But she did... and it wasn't to get away from me or anything (duh!!!)... and it's not like she was always away... she came back... how many people lose their mothers for real... and yearn for them endlessly, with a thirst that is not quenched in this life, not outside the love of God anyway...

anyway i guess i can relate, to Adora that is, i mean my mom is pretty wonderful to me too... i told adora that one time on another visit, when grammy had to go to the bathroom and adora stood at the door crying, i said...”yeah i know. I like her a little too much too...”

well.. in any event. I guess it all comes down to the fact that i have to figure it out sooner or later... and, lucky for me, as i've said before, i have my friend steffanie coming, and after that Ed's mom and grandma... i have more help this time, and for longer, than i've ever had, or even could've asked for... i should be grateful... ecstatic... but instead i'm feeling sorry for myself, and wondering what on earth i'm gonna do and how i'll survive...

okay, i admit, i'm a exaggerating little.. but not much really...

my biggest regrets this visit is all the time wasted on arguing and bad communication, which thankfully was at a record low, and yet this time has cut deeper than ever...

i want to remember this visit as one of the best yet... i want there to be only pleasant memories associated with the coming of our little chloe girl.. i want to say, that it was non stop wonderful the whole entire time and i'm miserable for it to be over... and while that is not entirely the case, the latter is true, and i am going to miss my mother terribly, maybe even as much as Adora

mom if you read this i want you to know that i love you, and look up to you in ways you would never consider yourself worthy of... i want you to know that i see your hard work, and i hope i'm not the burden i tend to see myself as... i hope that it was a worthwhile trip for you, and though i say things like “i don't know if i can make it without you” i want you to know, that it's because of you, and who you are, that i know i will get through... you show me endurance and determination, and i thank you for that...

i say all these things, because i know how easy it is to lose sight of the good things, in light of the bad or hard... i know the temptation of beating oneself up over things that are past... mistakes yes, but passed and gone they truly are... i want for you, like i want for me, to not look back on this time with hurt and regret, but with joy and thanksgiving...

we all make mistakes, but we hopefully learn from them... learn how to be better, not just how bad off we are...
anyway... i see you and i know that it is true... once a mother, always a mother... and i'm glad you're my mother...
thank you... for everything...
please, more than anything else, remember that i'm glad you came, and you were a big help, and a huge blessing, and i'm sorry it cost you so much, and i can only dare to hope that one day Adora will love me as much as i love you...

I've been losing it a little lately, my grip on things... I'm still doing a lot better i guess, but I'm realizing that I have a whole world of issues to work through...

Anyway, I was tempted to write about how I really can't do this... how I'm really a screw up... and will never amount to much of anything...

But upon acceptance of this not really being the point, I decided to go with something a little different than my usual melodramatic 'woe is me' crap...

Here's a few of my thoughts concerning my goals in this life, and who I believe my Maker to be...

(see next post)
(technically the previous post, but it appears below, so seemingly the next...)

I Hope

Someday, when I'm looking back at my life, through all the hardships, seeming failures, and years spent not knowing if we'll make it... I hope to say “it was worth it”

I hope to see, more than my struggling, God's hand carrying me through...
More than my losses, the victories of my Lord

I hope that when all is said and done, it could be said, that it was all done well...

I hope that in my times of feeling aimless and lost, I will see that all along God had a plan

I hope that all my tears, will have been a watering of what came to be a beautiful garden,
that all my trials were an enriching,
and that my wounds were made into adornments of blessing...
jewels that catch the light a little brighter than I would have known them to otherwise

I hope that when I'm saying goodbye, it will be bittersweet.

Bitter not because I will miss the earth, but that the ones I have loved will miss me

And sweet not because it will finally all be over, but that I will finally be with Him, and in that sense, it will finally begin

I hope that instead of dwelling on all my mistakes, and missed chances, I will rejoice in all the opportunities I was given, and in the accomplishments that were made...

I hope that instead of wallowing in all my guilt and shame, I will be basking in the love and redemption of my Savior

I hope that whatever wisdom I have gained in this life, will be passed on to my children and my children's children

I hope that they will remember me as a mother who loved, and as a woman who worshiped and feared the Lord our God

All these things, I do not hope for in vain, for my own attributing, or glory

Nor do I hope for them because I do not think them likely

I hope for them because of the promises He has made, not only to me and for me, but in spite of me

For I know that I have it not within me to attain such

I know that I cannot grasp these things by force of will alone...

But I know, that in the hands of my Maker is the best place to be
and with Him all things are possible
and it is my prize to see what all this life has amounted to through His eyes

To see beyond my pain and heartache, into a deeper and greater love

To see not a world of torment and shattered dreams, but a torrent of healing and purifying waters that made deserts into gardens, and ashes into beauty

To see that in the deepest and darkest parts of mankind, came the outstretched arms of the One True Lover of our souls

I hope that as I'm breathing my last, the air will carry me sweetly into those arms, where pain and sorrow I will know no more

I hope to hear Him say, “come my child, come home”

emergency...

So we had a rather close call, and quite a scare, and well, one hell of a night just now....

ok so there's free wireless internet here in the lobby... and i was here doin my thing (my mom and dad went to pick up my brother at the airport, and i went downstairs to "play") when i realized i had better get back to the fam... (this is where i ended my last post, by the way,)... and as i'm rushing back to the room/suite/whatever it's called, i'm having my usual "mom panic" envisioning ed with two screaming babies not knowing what to do... cuz every breastfeeding mom (or husband of) knows, there's only one thing that will quiet that baby... any way... i get to the room, and everyone is asleep!

ok so that's not the big deal.. i'm just catching up...

the rest of the preliminaries is something about how both my parents have a rediculous amount of pills that they each take...

ok, so, on with the story...

me and ed and adora are having our pleasant little meal together... chloe' being totally stuffed herself and passed out on the couch already... when all of a sudden we find these tiny little white pills on the table by Adora's hand that had been repeatedly back and forth from her mouth to the table for awhile now...

we both go into a panic, seeing as, even though we have trained our daughter rather well to not put random things in her mouth... we were, after all, just eating, and she could have, at any moment, put one or moreof these little devils into her mouth, and us not have noticed.... so as one of us is searching through all the pills to identify these ones, the other calls my dad to ask what in the world prednisone was... (my dad takes a lot of pills, and some of which are for his heart, so needless to say we were a little more than freaked out) and finding out it was a steroid, we call 911...

now, we didn't know for sure if she had actually eaten one, but of course, we had to be safe, and so they send the crew out, who, after going through all the questioning and what not, decide there's nothing they can do but insist she go to the hospital and get checked out... which is exactly what she did... daddy went with her, i stayed with the baby, (who eats incessently by the way)... and counted the seconds, litterally, till after about 20 calls back and forth, between ed and i, my dad and ed, and my dad and i, till finally they released her, with the only assurance being, if she did eat the steroid, it's no big deal, but if she ate any of the heart pills, or possibly one of my moms hormonal pills, than that's a big deal... but since, even if they drew blood and did tests, it would take a few days for the results, they said just to watch her for any unusual behavior....

but they did say, that if she did eat any of the scarry pills, we probably would have noticed a reaction by then....

so i guess that's all to say, she's fine... but man what an intense ride that was on renee's emotional roller coaster!!!

i really honestly and seriously do not think i could handle it if anything really bad happened to Adora... or chloe for that matter... or eddie either...heck anybody i love...

life is so precious...
what a gift we have...
what an incredible, amazing an wonderful treasure, it is to have children,
and what a nerve-racking, sanity-stealing, breath-taking, mind-numbing, and collosal reality check it is as well!!!

Oh Lord my God, please I ask You, let me savor every moment, let me treasure every breath and blink of the eye... let me truly be in awe of You, every second of this life, for You are worthy... how quickly it all can fade away... life that is here one minute, could be completely gone the next...please god, let me not take even one instant for granted!!!

and thank you for my children... please continue to protect them as You so graciously have... and though my heart dares to ask, as a favor, that they may outlive me, my spirit begs, still more, that You would grant me the strength, faith and courage to withstand whatever trial You have for me... and not just for withstandings sake, but for Your perfect work to be complete in me!!!
Let It Be So...(amen)

I'm In Tahoe!!

Yup, that's right-Tahoe... South lake Tahoe actually...and at a ski resort nonetheless...

This may seem a little crazy, being so soon after having a baby, but I assure you, it is just the thing to do!!!

and no I'm not skiing...

My parents used to have time-shares, they had to give them up recently, but they still had a week left over, and since my brother and my dad wanted to come see the baby, and since we live in a pretty tiny house, and since it's snowboarding season -bonus for brother and husband- we figured... why not go to Tahoe?

and I don't think we could've picked a better spot! We got spas, saunas, heated indoor and outdoor pools, free laundry, a full kitchen in our condo style suite, exercise room, activity center, oh... and a whirlpool hot tub in our room... So yeah.. I'd say I'm pretty set up!!!!

And this really is quite the blessing, seeing as I swore to myself I would rest this time around....

When I had Adora I was out like everyday with my family... It's nobody's fault really, I was just so uncomfortable in the house... I lived in a communal flat in San Francisco at the time, with 2 or 3 other families, as well as single people... And though I had nothing at all against any of them really, in fact I loved every one of them dearly, a few of them were even at the birth... I just felt sooo crowded, and, I don't know, uncomfortable, for some reason... call it post-partum weirdness.... anyway.. I remember feeling, once the chain of visiting family was over, that I really missed out on something incredible...like a woman really is supposed to just relax and be with her baby, for as long as she possibly can, before reality sinks back in and you're no longer considered "recovering" and there's nobody around to help you as much as you'll let them any more...

Any way.. it wasn't really all that bad, I just knew that this time I wanted to savor the first while as much as I could and rest rest rest rest rest and can I say it enough? REST!!!!... And relax, and not worry about ANYTHING!!!

I had no idea how hard of a thing this is for me to do till just recently... Even though my well meaning husband has been trying to show me for some time, he often makes things harder for me.. but we're working on that...and it's not all his fault... I definitely play my part too, I must admit, and I really do know that his intention is ALWAYS for my good, and mostly the problem is with me... a) learning to receive, and b) not being such a control freak... (which I totally am by the way....)

Anyway (yes I am aware of the fact that I use this word way too much in case you were wondering, and I don't care or plan on changing any time soon so... anyways) I haven't really been getting that rest that I promised myself lately, so this really is more wonderful than I can say... And I'm really trying very hard to just enjoy it and, one more time I'll say, RELAX!! I keep getting tempted to stress out on all the things I'm neglecting at the house, or that I'll have to do once I get back, or how my mom is leaving me in less than a week now!!!! "pull yourself together Renee" I'll say to myself... "It's just one week, and then it will be gone...never to be enjoyed again...." This is how I have to talk to myself... in bittersweet threats and reminders....

Well the good news...the super good news in fact, is that one of my bestest friends ever is coming soon... just a day after my family leaves... And she'll be staying for 2 whole weeks!!! And I couldn't be more stoked!!! Especially since Ed's mom and grandma weren't gonna be able to come till April, and I was way nervous about 2 whole weeks of nobody... Ok yeah, I have Ed, but he has school, and is trying to get a job, and I have my good friend and neighbor Devon, but she has 2 kids herself... And though I am felling a little less nervous about 2 kids than I was, I am still nervous really.. I don't know why... Call it paranoia... I think the root of it is, when I really look at my life, I feel like I have been so blessed, and I have this crazy suspicion that it will all run out... And I think that's why I'm so pessimistic, cause I try to tell myself it's already bad, it can't get worse, but when I'm honest I see that it's really great, and I'm really lucky, and fate must've overlooked me somehow, cuz I really don't deserve all this....
and I'm sorry if any of that was hard to follow....

but lately I have been really trying to not only count my blessings, but also, to count it all joy when I fall into various trials, a verse I used to think only applied to persecution, but now I believe that all "testing of my faith" counts.... That's another thing... I'm learning... to look at circumstances of my life as testing, rather than some endless chain of curses the heavens are riddling my life with... The syndrome of "they're all out to get me" is getting old I guess...

anyway... Tahoe... Life is good... We even have a FULL size bed in our room (which any one who knows us would say, wow what do you do with such a big bed? (my dad actually asked us this when we got here)...confused?... My husband and I have a twin bed...We've actually slept in one together (through both pregnancies mind you), ever since we've been married!!! Yes I know this is rather strange, and I laugh whenever friends of ours want to stay in our room when we're gone, wondering if they'll make it work or not.. but for us it works.. In fact we prefer it.. we've had the opportunity to get a bigger bed, and yet we always go with the twin... What can I say, we like the closeness... In fact I'm so used to it that when I notice the extra inches on my side of the bed I get scarred I'm hogging it all, or if I don't literally feel ed next to me I jerk awake thinking he's fallen off... fun times...

well my brother comes in tonight... and I'm pretty excited, and I just realized my phone doesn't have service in the lobby, so I'm worried about ed and the girls so I'll end this post now...and maybe update or change later... (ok I did now)

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing [this], that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have [her] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

let this be so in me!!!

Praise God

i feel like i am entering a new season in my life... like the past few months, before the baby, were a kind of breaking... a turning of the tides as it were... Sometimes change happens over such a slow and long process you almost don't even notice it, till one day you wake up and suddenly feel like everything is somehow different... this is how it is for me right now... Of course, granted, i know that the hormones and changes in body chemistry during pregnancy are at least a major factor in the way i have felt or have been feeling... but i also believe that they weren't the only cause... i'm not really sure where or how to pinpoint it all though really, all i can say for sure, is that i feel like a huge dark cloud has been lifted... and so dark and thick was this cloud, that litterally every aspect of my life was affected by it... Now, everything looks better, the air smells sweeter and fresher, food tastes richer and better, noises; music, peoples voices, the constant hum of the fan in Adora's room, all sound somehow more pleasant... i don't know any other way to explain it...

for months now, gosh maybe even a year or more, i've been feeling this pent up anger in me, where every little annoyance, even the simplest of things, would set me off, into a total fit... like stubbing my toe, or missing a turn while driving, or forgetting something at the store, or even dropping a bite of food!... i would get so mad... and it's been bugging me for some time, and i haven't felt quite sure about how to deal with it, or even if i could talk about it... Anyway... im trying to say that i feel like there's something happening with me lately, that may have a lot to do with just having a baby- though i lean towards thinking it's much more than that- , but either way,it's something huge and in many ways relieving and revitalizing...

i was, quite honestly, a little more near terrified than just plain scarred, about the baby... i wanted to be happy and hopeful, and in some ways was, but there was this lingering doubt, this itching feeling, that i really wouldn't make it.. that i really can't handle being a mother, barely of one, but definately not of two... but now... i don't know.. i just have this hope and joy that i can't shake... not that i want to of course.. i just mean all the usual things that would get me down, recently seem like no big deal, or when they do get to me, they are so quickly recovered from that it's almost as if they never happened...

now, i have to at least admitt that this may very well be a natural bliss comonly felt by a mother just after giving birth... though from my experience it is more often a sadness that is felt by many women... called post partum deppression... and i even remember thinking, while i was still pregnant, that if i felt any worse than i did at that moment i might just fall over dead... and now... wow it's like i've never been so happy.... but it's still so new too. i'm almost shy to let it all show... but i feel it in me, near ready to burst, this joy, and strength and courage, and elation even... like i might possibly be the luckiest woman in the world... which i know i'm totally not, but i FEEL like i could be, honestly.... especially when i look at either one of my daughters...or even more so the two together, they're both so beautiful, so sweet, and perfect... Adora is so smart and even funny, and more and more like herself everyday, as she not only keeps getting better, but is growing up and into who she is more and more... And Chloe is so small yet so captivating...

... The other night Ed was in the room on the computer, and i went into the kitchen to make his lunch for school the next day leaving Chloe on the couch (adora already in bed), and i heard eddie come out of the room and i got this image in my head of him picking chloe up and just sitting with her and holding her and staring at her,and i thought to myself, "if that is what he is doing, that would just totally make my day"...i'm not sure why really except that i feel sorry for him not getting to see her as much as i do.. anyway, i went into the living room to see if it were true, and there they were just like i had pictured,,, and i was overwhelmed with this deep feeling of satisfaction and contentment... it's funny that something so simple, in that moment,could make my whole life feel complete and right and whole, and just as it should be... infact better than i ever could have hoped for...

anyway, i just have to say that i am so stoked to be alive right now... and this is a new feeling for me, to be totally honest... so new in fact i almost don't know what to do with myself....

i have a family
i have 2 wonderful little girls
a loving husband,
food in my fridge,
a warm bed
and God is my God!!!!

thank you Holy Father, for tending to me, as in a garden, with just the right timing, and care and concern, letting every part of me be drenched in perfect porportion of your love and clothed in your heavenly light. Thank you for teaching me how to live, more and more every day, and giving me the proper nutrients to survive... gently guiding me in my weakest areas, holding me up when i'm near to totally falling apart, keeping me, blessing and most of all loving me in the perfect and pure way that You do... You truly are good, and i don't deserve even one of Your blessings, yet You shower me in them daily...

ok, honestly, does this little girl look just like her mama or what?