Praise God

i feel like i am entering a new season in my life... like the past few months, before the baby, were a kind of breaking... a turning of the tides as it were... Sometimes change happens over such a slow and long process you almost don't even notice it, till one day you wake up and suddenly feel like everything is somehow different... this is how it is for me right now... Of course, granted, i know that the hormones and changes in body chemistry during pregnancy are at least a major factor in the way i have felt or have been feeling... but i also believe that they weren't the only cause... i'm not really sure where or how to pinpoint it all though really, all i can say for sure, is that i feel like a huge dark cloud has been lifted... and so dark and thick was this cloud, that litterally every aspect of my life was affected by it... Now, everything looks better, the air smells sweeter and fresher, food tastes richer and better, noises; music, peoples voices, the constant hum of the fan in Adora's room, all sound somehow more pleasant... i don't know any other way to explain it...

for months now, gosh maybe even a year or more, i've been feeling this pent up anger in me, where every little annoyance, even the simplest of things, would set me off, into a total fit... like stubbing my toe, or missing a turn while driving, or forgetting something at the store, or even dropping a bite of food!... i would get so mad... and it's been bugging me for some time, and i haven't felt quite sure about how to deal with it, or even if i could talk about it... Anyway... im trying to say that i feel like there's something happening with me lately, that may have a lot to do with just having a baby- though i lean towards thinking it's much more than that- , but either way,it's something huge and in many ways relieving and revitalizing...

i was, quite honestly, a little more near terrified than just plain scarred, about the baby... i wanted to be happy and hopeful, and in some ways was, but there was this lingering doubt, this itching feeling, that i really wouldn't make it.. that i really can't handle being a mother, barely of one, but definately not of two... but now... i don't know.. i just have this hope and joy that i can't shake... not that i want to of course.. i just mean all the usual things that would get me down, recently seem like no big deal, or when they do get to me, they are so quickly recovered from that it's almost as if they never happened...

now, i have to at least admitt that this may very well be a natural bliss comonly felt by a mother just after giving birth... though from my experience it is more often a sadness that is felt by many women... called post partum deppression... and i even remember thinking, while i was still pregnant, that if i felt any worse than i did at that moment i might just fall over dead... and now... wow it's like i've never been so happy.... but it's still so new too. i'm almost shy to let it all show... but i feel it in me, near ready to burst, this joy, and strength and courage, and elation even... like i might possibly be the luckiest woman in the world... which i know i'm totally not, but i FEEL like i could be, honestly.... especially when i look at either one of my daughters...or even more so the two together, they're both so beautiful, so sweet, and perfect... Adora is so smart and even funny, and more and more like herself everyday, as she not only keeps getting better, but is growing up and into who she is more and more... And Chloe is so small yet so captivating...

... The other night Ed was in the room on the computer, and i went into the kitchen to make his lunch for school the next day leaving Chloe on the couch (adora already in bed), and i heard eddie come out of the room and i got this image in my head of him picking chloe up and just sitting with her and holding her and staring at her,and i thought to myself, "if that is what he is doing, that would just totally make my day"...i'm not sure why really except that i feel sorry for him not getting to see her as much as i do.. anyway, i went into the living room to see if it were true, and there they were just like i had pictured,,, and i was overwhelmed with this deep feeling of satisfaction and contentment... it's funny that something so simple, in that moment,could make my whole life feel complete and right and whole, and just as it should be... infact better than i ever could have hoped for...

anyway, i just have to say that i am so stoked to be alive right now... and this is a new feeling for me, to be totally honest... so new in fact i almost don't know what to do with myself....

i have a family
i have 2 wonderful little girls
a loving husband,
food in my fridge,
a warm bed
and God is my God!!!!

thank you Holy Father, for tending to me, as in a garden, with just the right timing, and care and concern, letting every part of me be drenched in perfect porportion of your love and clothed in your heavenly light. Thank you for teaching me how to live, more and more every day, and giving me the proper nutrients to survive... gently guiding me in my weakest areas, holding me up when i'm near to totally falling apart, keeping me, blessing and most of all loving me in the perfect and pure way that You do... You truly are good, and i don't deserve even one of Your blessings, yet You shower me in them daily...