Recovery
I had a lot of time to reflect on things after the baby was born...
The first night, since my mom missed her flight, we had no one to watch Adora for the night or get up with her in the morning, so Eddie stayed home. This wasn't too bad really, a lot of visitors came before I went to sleep, and both the baby and I slept really well so I didn't notice any of my loneliness... Plus Eddie would've been so uncomfortable there... Not that I wasn't, but I will say, I actually kind of like hospital beds right after delivery, since I'm so sore and tired, and all I have to do is press a button to either sit up or lay down... And it's nice going to the bathroom and coming back to a clean bed and not even having to think about washing the sheets... Those things are nice I guess... and having this whole big room all to myself... and nurses with anything I want (well almost anything) at my beck and call....
But the food... totally disgusting. And yet what is worse is actually being excited when it comes because I am so incredibly hungry... Or when I even asked for seconds... that was just ridiculous....Seconds on hospital food!!! What was wrong with me?
Anyway, the second night I was alone too. Even though my mom was there, I think Eddie preferred to be with Adora... I can't say that I blame him really, being totally over the thrill of electric adjustable beds, by the time they moved me to a way smaller room that at any minute might have to be shared...(which thankfully never was, but just the possibility of it can set one on edge every time the door opens...Even without the extra company my space felt invaded just by the threat) anyway this is all to say I had lots of time alone...
I thought a bit about my labor, what I would've wanted done differently, wondering what I'm really capable of... If I could ever have an all natural birth or not, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself for having chosen a hospital birth.... In many ways it could be considered the ideal to most people, and I don't want to criticize, but in many ways I can't help but feel at least a little robbed... From their perspective, they would say they did everything that I asked for or wanted...In the tour, through all my questioning, the lady kept insisting that it was all about me, and my wants and needs come first... but i don't think they even realize the boundaries they cross... Ok- I don't want to sound ungrateful, and yes the truth is, I chose to birth my baby there... But what they don't tell you, is that they will try, in every way they can, to make your decisions for you.... And they decide based on "experience" and "training", they decide according to what the books tell them to decide, or by what the attending physician tell them to decide. They don't decide based on your preferences, or ideas, or wants, or anything like that... not even when it has nothing to do "safety" or "protocol"
for instance... once I agreed to the pitocin, they decide the rate and amount to be given, and when to increase, and to what level, they don't even tell me when they decide up it a notch or so... Or with the epidural, they decide what level to start it at, and then refer to each other on whether or not to increase it again, after I asked for it to be lessened. They don't even ask me. I had to insist in three different ways to leave it be, that I asked for it to be lowered, that I want to be able to feel the contractions, that I don't want it to increase, that I don't mind the little teeny bit of pain... And I'm actually amazed they gave up and let me have my way...
Anyway, I'm not bitter really... I just really wonder what it would've been like without all the intervention... All the nurses want to say "oh who cares, it's over now..." and while that is true, it only makes it more clear that their goal isn't really all about me like they say, after all... Because me... I really desire an all natural labor... but now I'm not even sure why.... Everything did turn out all right after all, I didn't end up with a c-section like Eddie feared... No forceps or vacuum... no leftover injuries as a result of their decisions... just one beautiful healthy baby girl, and me...and my thoughts... wondering... Would I have even survived without the drugs? What if I was on some island or in another time period, and the options just weren't there.... Oh why I mull over all this I really don't know, I just wonder... Maybe it's that it feel less mine, less my experience, and more another notch on their belt, I was a test dummy, a statistic... And yes of course, in the end all that really matters is that we are healthy and alive now.... I just wonder if I'm capable. I'm a little jealous, to be honest, of women with short labors, or that make it through without the drugs even longer than I did... I'm not sure why this is really, except that it remains one thing I haven't been able to do that others I know have... But what is the difference really in the end? The only change I can foresee would be in me... To be able to say I did it... Like some right of passage I've so far been kept from, and until then I feel like less of who I am supposed to be... Or at least want to be...
of course, having written it all down now,I do feel a little silly... Maybe the nurses are right... Who cares... No body else that goes to their hospital does, so why should I... and there goes yet another of MY decisions...
well, in light of all that, I give props to all women that choose and complete a drug free labor... All real complications aside, I in no way look down on taking necessary measures when mama's or baby's life is at risk... I just think it takes a real strength and endurance I have yet to find in myself...
The first night, since my mom missed her flight, we had no one to watch Adora for the night or get up with her in the morning, so Eddie stayed home. This wasn't too bad really, a lot of visitors came before I went to sleep, and both the baby and I slept really well so I didn't notice any of my loneliness... Plus Eddie would've been so uncomfortable there... Not that I wasn't, but I will say, I actually kind of like hospital beds right after delivery, since I'm so sore and tired, and all I have to do is press a button to either sit up or lay down... And it's nice going to the bathroom and coming back to a clean bed and not even having to think about washing the sheets... Those things are nice I guess... and having this whole big room all to myself... and nurses with anything I want (well almost anything) at my beck and call....
But the food... totally disgusting. And yet what is worse is actually being excited when it comes because I am so incredibly hungry... Or when I even asked for seconds... that was just ridiculous....Seconds on hospital food!!! What was wrong with me?
Anyway, the second night I was alone too. Even though my mom was there, I think Eddie preferred to be with Adora... I can't say that I blame him really, being totally over the thrill of electric adjustable beds, by the time they moved me to a way smaller room that at any minute might have to be shared...(which thankfully never was, but just the possibility of it can set one on edge every time the door opens...Even without the extra company my space felt invaded just by the threat) anyway this is all to say I had lots of time alone...
I thought a bit about my labor, what I would've wanted done differently, wondering what I'm really capable of... If I could ever have an all natural birth or not, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself for having chosen a hospital birth.... In many ways it could be considered the ideal to most people, and I don't want to criticize, but in many ways I can't help but feel at least a little robbed... From their perspective, they would say they did everything that I asked for or wanted...In the tour, through all my questioning, the lady kept insisting that it was all about me, and my wants and needs come first... but i don't think they even realize the boundaries they cross... Ok- I don't want to sound ungrateful, and yes the truth is, I chose to birth my baby there... But what they don't tell you, is that they will try, in every way they can, to make your decisions for you.... And they decide based on "experience" and "training", they decide according to what the books tell them to decide, or by what the attending physician tell them to decide. They don't decide based on your preferences, or ideas, or wants, or anything like that... not even when it has nothing to do "safety" or "protocol"
for instance... once I agreed to the pitocin, they decide the rate and amount to be given, and when to increase, and to what level, they don't even tell me when they decide up it a notch or so... Or with the epidural, they decide what level to start it at, and then refer to each other on whether or not to increase it again, after I asked for it to be lessened. They don't even ask me. I had to insist in three different ways to leave it be, that I asked for it to be lowered, that I want to be able to feel the contractions, that I don't want it to increase, that I don't mind the little teeny bit of pain... And I'm actually amazed they gave up and let me have my way...
Anyway, I'm not bitter really... I just really wonder what it would've been like without all the intervention... All the nurses want to say "oh who cares, it's over now..." and while that is true, it only makes it more clear that their goal isn't really all about me like they say, after all... Because me... I really desire an all natural labor... but now I'm not even sure why.... Everything did turn out all right after all, I didn't end up with a c-section like Eddie feared... No forceps or vacuum... no leftover injuries as a result of their decisions... just one beautiful healthy baby girl, and me...and my thoughts... wondering... Would I have even survived without the drugs? What if I was on some island or in another time period, and the options just weren't there.... Oh why I mull over all this I really don't know, I just wonder... Maybe it's that it feel less mine, less my experience, and more another notch on their belt, I was a test dummy, a statistic... And yes of course, in the end all that really matters is that we are healthy and alive now.... I just wonder if I'm capable. I'm a little jealous, to be honest, of women with short labors, or that make it through without the drugs even longer than I did... I'm not sure why this is really, except that it remains one thing I haven't been able to do that others I know have... But what is the difference really in the end? The only change I can foresee would be in me... To be able to say I did it... Like some right of passage I've so far been kept from, and until then I feel like less of who I am supposed to be... Or at least want to be...
of course, having written it all down now,I do feel a little silly... Maybe the nurses are right... Who cares... No body else that goes to their hospital does, so why should I... and there goes yet another of MY decisions...
well, in light of all that, I give props to all women that choose and complete a drug free labor... All real complications aside, I in no way look down on taking necessary measures when mama's or baby's life is at risk... I just think it takes a real strength and endurance I have yet to find in myself...
posted by 1weirdgirl at 9:58 PM
3 Comments:
I think that maybe you are me. I think so many of the same things about having my kids, that now I don't have to write about them, I'll just refer people to your posting. I even let myself believe the hospital food was good, but I was probably just ravenously hungry.
Girl, the real work is in raising the babies, which you are kicking butt at.
well that's encouraging... from both of you... i totally need encouragement too, i don't know why i feel so inadequate, i guess it's a mom thing.. i don't know if i'd trust a person that didn't doubt themselves a little... though maybe thats backwards thinking... but there's something so powerful and incredibly humbling abou the way our kids are totally dependant on us... anyway, with the whole birth and labor thing, i think it's more of a challenge or something i just want to prove to myself...
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