In Memory...

I found out the other day that a friend of mine back in Illinoishad just died that morning... News like this is always hard and I'm still processing.

The details were a little unclear, one person says he overdosed and another says he hung himself, and while I doubt the latter, neither are good...of course, when is death good? Even if there is the saying "a good way to die" that is rarely the case.
Anyway, I'm not quite sure how to feel yet. It's tragic to say the least, and in many ways extremely discouraging. He had been battling various addictions for years, the most recent being heroin, and I guess I always hoped he'd pull through, though that was never a very promising possibility.

I first met Jack back in high school in McHenry County. We were the type of friends that were mere acquaintances really, only hanging out or seeing each other, besides at school, at parties or mutual friends houses...McHenry, in a lot of ways, is the land of mutual friends...anyway...not much to note on really...I guess we were never really close, but he was good friends with my husband Ed for some time, and in recent years his story has only brought us heartache.

The funny thing is, Jack is partly, if not majorly, responsible for me and Ed meeting in the first place. Jack brought him over to my best friend Steffanie's house one day (for the purpose of introducing him to the 2 of us), and she in turn brought Ed over to my house another day...this is sort of how the mutual friend thing works...I'd known Jack for years by then but had never met Ed, of course Ed is younger than me, but that's besides the point...it seems odd only because we knew so many of the same people for so long before ever even seeing or hearing of each other, let alone actually meeting...Well, anyway, it's hard to tell this story without the story of me and Ed intertwining a bit... There's a lot to tell there really (on our story) but maybe some other time...for now I'll just say that in the 2 weeks of my first meeting Ed, and the four of us hanging out (Steffanie, Jack, Ed, and I) our eyes were never for each other (mine and Ed's) and drugs and lunacy played a major role in all our lives...

(ok I'll expound a little, only to add context to the rest of the story in how we related to Jack...) Years down the road both Ed and I had changed paths so to speak...to come together once again only under a whole new light. We had lost contact for some time, no big deal really, we hadn't hit it off that well the first time, he was touring with Phish and I was God only knows where, doing only God knows what...till one day we ran into each other again, him a born again Christian, and me a totally drugged out loser with no where in the world to turn but God...perfect really... Anyway I soon came to giving my life to Christ as well, (not solely from his influence mind you, in fact we hardly ever spoke to each other for a long time...) and we would often find ourselves back in the same small town of Illinois, hanging out with, sometimes, the same groups of people, (though he did have his friends and I had mine, we would on occasion go together to different friends houses) in part just to visit, but also in the hopes of relating some bit of God's truth to those we cared about...and Jack was one of those people.

It's sad though because over time, Jack's state only darkened...there was a time when he had sworn he would never do heroin, having too many family members ruined by it, and if you would have told him then that one day he would die of an overdose, neither he nor anyone that knew him would've believed you...but lately that had looked too inevitable to deny. And this is what is so hard...for me anyway, and I'm sure on some level my husband as well, though we all process differently...I have to ask, did we just give up? could we have helped really? could anything have made a difference? I mean we tried for a time, Ed did more than I ever could really, but it never seemed to do any good... and the past few times we've gone back we didn't even bother going to see him...and I say this with regret.

I'd like to believe that on some level, no matter how small, that something was communicated, somewhere in all those talks and pleadings that somehow at least a little bit of God's love and truth was translated in to his heart...that he could have known, even in some small way, that God was his only hope, that God was for him and not against him, that if he would just turn to God...well who knows really.... It's such a tricky and fine line between what we as Christians can actually affect, and what only God can do, or even what only an individual can decide for themselves, as I'm not quite sure where the balance lies exactly...I mean surely God never gives up on anyone? Right? Again, this is what is so hard...devience from this line can lead one to either complacency or over-zealousness, and yet I'm not sure that I'll ever really know where is right... I just know that any and all real and true answers come only from God, and only by complete surrender to God do we even begin to have a clue...


Well I don't want to make this a theological discussion really, this is just my way of processing. I have no option now, really, but to trust God and let go...but not in a way that gives up, but rather spurs me on...for though I believe he (Jack) is now, and always was, the only place where any of us are and yet can only hope to be, I have no way of knowing what it is or was like for him...See I don't believe in that overly sentimental nonsense of "everyone goes to heaven in the end", but I do believe we will all eventually and inevitably come face to face with God, the very God that created us, with a purpose and a plan, and this will either be the most heavenly or the most hellish experience, depending on so many things...I beieve we all are, right now, in the hands of God, and this realizaton is our awakening, and when we die, we're still there, only no more smoke and mirrors, everything is laid bare, we can no longer attempt hiding, nor claim God was hiding from us... And while I may face criticism from many, for my seemingly intrusive and judgmental ways, it is only the "judgment" of God that I not only fear, but hope to live up to as well... to note: I look at God's "judgment" as more of a sizing up , a measuring really, than what is often, and wrongly, labeled as the typical and tyrannical Christian view... See I have played on many, if not all, sides of the fence so to speak...I have had friends try to pull me into the light or "save me" and despised them for it, I have seen people holding up signs of repentance and condemnation, and judged them for their hypocrisy, rudeness or lack of decency. I have, at times in my life viewed Christians as intrusive, invasive, and even inhuman, and yet I have also felt the gentle, loving hands of God holding me when I was most weak, carrying me when I could not stand, guiding me when I had lost my way...and I have felt a similar love and care from some of God's own people, consoling, counseling and even correcting me at times, with a love and patience such as cannot be known outside the hands of God... And I have even had times where God's heart has touched me in such a way as to cause me to weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh, as well as grieve over a loved ones sins (or misuse of their precious gift of life), and cry out for a better way, to desperately try to show someone that there is indeed a better way....and while it may be more obvious in the lives of some, such as Jack in his heroin use, there is in fact a better way for all of us whether we know it or not...
And while Jack's death could be seen as no shock or surprise, it's heartbreaking nonetheless...he had so many talents that are now forever gone from this earth. He was a musician, an artist, and a treasured creation of God, and I don't know that he ever knew it...knew that all his talents were gifts, that all his heartaches were opportunities, that all his mistakes were only reminders, that all he ever could have wanted was right there in the hands of love, all he ever needed was to fall into those hands. God wanted him, loved him, made him and cherished him, and in no way delighted in his death, but rather had so much in store for him, and now weeps over the lost chances... Here's to you Jack...my one prayer is that your soul may now at last be at rest. Even if only for now...
Amen