The Truth Comes Out...
I am hereby admitting that I am not perfect, in case anybody was starting to think so (ha ha). No not me, not perfect. In fact most of the day I teeter between the options of either curling up in a ball and dying or screaming at the top of my lungs... Of course I don't do either one, knowing that neither will do any good, and by the end of the day I'm usually glad for it... but it really does take every last bit of me just to make it there...the end of the day that is... and all along I'm fighting with myself over the notions that I either really can or really can't make it.
By now I know that this may just be the last stages of pregnancy taking their toll on me...and that this too shall pass... but I also teeter between the sheer joy and anticipation of this coming baby, and the absolute dread and fear of the upcoming "beebee" as well. Don't get me wrong, I am indeed blessed and I feel it, to say the least, but I also worry about how I'm so stressed out now, and I wonder how will it be when the baby actually is outside of me...and hungry, or poopy, or lonely, or just cranky for some mysterious reason that no amount of cooing and cuddling seems capable of curing...and Adora is still her, although adorable, near unbearable self?
Maybe I only have a hard time with patience and calmness and nurturing right now because I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable ALL the time. Maybe she's really not all that unbearable... At this point I do have to say that there are at least 3 times out of everyday that I am totally overcome by her beauty and joy and just loveliness. She can be soooo incredibly sweet, like the other day, a week or so ago, I had just gotten off the phone with Ed, (daddy/husband), and I was upset, to put it mildly, given the nature of our super intense conversation...ok we can call it an arguement/fight/miscommunication (whatever)... Anyway I was crying and sobbing, rather loudly, and she had been playing with her toys rather contentedly for the past while, till all of a sudden she realized something was really wrong with mommy... And she didn't freak out, she didn't start crying herself and demand all the attention be put on her, which probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but she actually came over to me, and though I had my back turned, she put her hand on me and made these little curious, concerned noises, and some time went by and I started to be able to tell that she was getting more and more worried, so I finally turned around to see her face, which had honestly THE MOST compassionate look I have ever seen on another face in my whole life, and I just totally melted...right then and there... I picked her up and she laid on my chest, like she used to, for the first time in sooo long, and sort of sang sweetly to me till I no longer even felt like crying, and she fell asleep.
This was one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me, and at the same time it was a little...what's the word...scary(?) almost... I mean she is learning so much sooo fast..and I'd hate for her to grow up and look back, feeling like she's had to hold up her emotional wreck of a mother all her life...I'm so scared that rather than looking up to me she will be embittered towards me, and resent me for making her grow up too fast or something or robbing her of some hidden richness because I was too wrapped up in my frantic attempts at dealing with life on life's terms... I fear my habbit of self-absorbed-self-pity-loathesomeness (if that's even a word), will do all the things to her I so desperately wish to avoid...
I guess in the long run there's only so much we can do to form our children, they will inevidably become who they are, and may even blame their parents for all their bad traits, and/or refuse to credit them for any of the good. I may even have to wait, for years after she grows up, like my own mother, before I feel like I'm only starting to know my daughter, or at least relate to her in a real way, having a real relationship with her beyond the roles of parent and child...
Anyway, I'm sure, at least in part, this is all probably some totally irrational, pregnancy induced, hormonal imbalance swaying my emotions and decieving my perception of reality... But in truth, I just really want to give them (my children) something of eternal value, some bit of wisdom, peices of heaven that God has bestowed upon me... But in order to do this I have to first posess them on some level myself... And just in this one area alone I fear I fall incredibly short. Though I do believe He has enriched us with "every spiritual blessing" I feel like I am either missing, or neglecting something very important...or both....and this worries me. Maybe worry isn't the right word, at least I don't want it to be... there is far too little worry can do. I want to cry out, not just in some illogical despair, but to God, even if in desperation... I want to lift my prayers to His holy throne, in hopes that He will hear and meet this need... not just for our sake, but for the countless many, and yet mainly for God's own sake... That I may truly be a vessel of honor, a bearer of good news, a sower of rightousness, a bringer of peace... That when all is said and done, of my life may it be said, "The truth came out"... and not just as applies to my petty little world... but Thee Truth... Jesus... that I knew Him and made Him known... This is the main of all my hearts pleas... "to know Him and to make Him known"
God help me to be an example, an instructor of holiness and rightousness, help me to raise my children in Your ways, to shine as lights in this dark world,,, at the very least...help me rise above my helpless self, and into what You have created me for...
Amen
By now I know that this may just be the last stages of pregnancy taking their toll on me...and that this too shall pass... but I also teeter between the sheer joy and anticipation of this coming baby, and the absolute dread and fear of the upcoming "beebee" as well. Don't get me wrong, I am indeed blessed and I feel it, to say the least, but I also worry about how I'm so stressed out now, and I wonder how will it be when the baby actually is outside of me...and hungry, or poopy, or lonely, or just cranky for some mysterious reason that no amount of cooing and cuddling seems capable of curing...and Adora is still her, although adorable, near unbearable self?
Maybe I only have a hard time with patience and calmness and nurturing right now because I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable ALL the time. Maybe she's really not all that unbearable... At this point I do have to say that there are at least 3 times out of everyday that I am totally overcome by her beauty and joy and just loveliness. She can be soooo incredibly sweet, like the other day, a week or so ago, I had just gotten off the phone with Ed, (daddy/husband), and I was upset, to put it mildly, given the nature of our super intense conversation...ok we can call it an arguement/fight/miscommunication (whatever)... Anyway I was crying and sobbing, rather loudly, and she had been playing with her toys rather contentedly for the past while, till all of a sudden she realized something was really wrong with mommy... And she didn't freak out, she didn't start crying herself and demand all the attention be put on her, which probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but she actually came over to me, and though I had my back turned, she put her hand on me and made these little curious, concerned noises, and some time went by and I started to be able to tell that she was getting more and more worried, so I finally turned around to see her face, which had honestly THE MOST compassionate look I have ever seen on another face in my whole life, and I just totally melted...right then and there... I picked her up and she laid on my chest, like she used to, for the first time in sooo long, and sort of sang sweetly to me till I no longer even felt like crying, and she fell asleep.
This was one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me, and at the same time it was a little...what's the word...scary(?) almost... I mean she is learning so much sooo fast..and I'd hate for her to grow up and look back, feeling like she's had to hold up her emotional wreck of a mother all her life...I'm so scared that rather than looking up to me she will be embittered towards me, and resent me for making her grow up too fast or something or robbing her of some hidden richness because I was too wrapped up in my frantic attempts at dealing with life on life's terms... I fear my habbit of self-absorbed-self-pity-loathesomeness (if that's even a word), will do all the things to her I so desperately wish to avoid...
I guess in the long run there's only so much we can do to form our children, they will inevidably become who they are, and may even blame their parents for all their bad traits, and/or refuse to credit them for any of the good. I may even have to wait, for years after she grows up, like my own mother, before I feel like I'm only starting to know my daughter, or at least relate to her in a real way, having a real relationship with her beyond the roles of parent and child...
Anyway, I'm sure, at least in part, this is all probably some totally irrational, pregnancy induced, hormonal imbalance swaying my emotions and decieving my perception of reality... But in truth, I just really want to give them (my children) something of eternal value, some bit of wisdom, peices of heaven that God has bestowed upon me... But in order to do this I have to first posess them on some level myself... And just in this one area alone I fear I fall incredibly short. Though I do believe He has enriched us with "every spiritual blessing" I feel like I am either missing, or neglecting something very important...or both....and this worries me. Maybe worry isn't the right word, at least I don't want it to be... there is far too little worry can do. I want to cry out, not just in some illogical despair, but to God, even if in desperation... I want to lift my prayers to His holy throne, in hopes that He will hear and meet this need... not just for our sake, but for the countless many, and yet mainly for God's own sake... That I may truly be a vessel of honor, a bearer of good news, a sower of rightousness, a bringer of peace... That when all is said and done, of my life may it be said, "The truth came out"... and not just as applies to my petty little world... but Thee Truth... Jesus... that I knew Him and made Him known... This is the main of all my hearts pleas... "to know Him and to make Him known"
God help me to be an example, an instructor of holiness and rightousness, help me to raise my children in Your ways, to shine as lights in this dark world,,, at the very least...help me rise above my helpless self, and into what You have created me for...
Amen
posted by 1weirdgirl at 11:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home