post valentine's... post chaos...
(post as in after, not "im posting a "post"")
Well today was an interesting day... It started out in near disaster, with my marriage on the brink of destructiion, (this is me being melodramatic), and ended with my husband and I dancing!, while our very sick daughter made pathetic little smiles through the thumb in her mouth and behind her little elephant, "ellie". And in between all this we took turns caring for our little angel, who is quite the trooper I must say, having had a 103 temperature all day and, though whimpering a whole lot, still managed to smile and laugh in little intervals occasionally while mommy and or daddy did their very best to cheer her up. At least I can say that she brings us together, rather than tears us apart...that would be unbearable... We could be having a total communication breakdown, then, as quick as lightning, as soon as something, any little thing, is wrong with our baby, we're all of a sudden on the same team again, ready to defeat the world...
I will say, fortunately, that Valentine's day did happen to go rather well this year...not that I expected it not to, just we didn't even see each other till after 7 at night... We didn't do much special, and considering the fact(s) that we just barely made it to a resteraunt in time to order take out before they closed, made it home way past Adora's night night, and the pie that I made was an almost total failure, I'd say it was actually rather wonderful... Especially since we didn't fight even once in our whole 4 hours together!!! I'm sad to say this is a new record for us... but hey...what a triumph! I might as well be proud of it... This is not to say that all we do is fight, but I have been quite a terror lately. I'm super sensitive all the time and have way too many expectations for my poor saint of a husband, who tries so hard to please me, and realy does most of the time...just lately... I guess you can say it's been near impossible.
Anyway, I'm learning to appreciate every gesture of love...to cherish every little thing he does for me, just because it's uniquely him, and not because it's exactly what I want, or rather, not hate him for it not being anything near what I would've wanted if given the choice... No, I honestly must say I'd rather have a gift from him than just the gift... Sometimes he just likes to show me that he was thinking of me during his day...
For instance, the other day, he decided to come home early so I could go to a coffee shop and get some alone time, now this really is sweet, he even picked out a place that he insisted I go, (he went there to apply for a job and said he really thought it was a cafe i would like...), so I went and was silly enough to think he was actually gonna surprize me by being there waithing for me... and when he of course wasn't, I said to myself, well, he still is a sweetheart... And though I found myself the whole time wishing I was alone with him somewhere, I did manage to at least write a little and treasure the gift for what it was before hurrying home to be with him...
But sometimes he does things that are really romantic, just in a way I wouldn't have expected... Like for Christmas, I was so upset, because Christmas Eve is the day that my side of the family all gets together, and he decides he really needs to do some "last minute shopping", which I knew was at least partly for me, though he wouldn't admitt it, and I said, "please don't do this for me, I really would rather just have you here"... but boy would I have missed out!!... It turns out he had to hunt down the one and only shop in all the greater chicago area that had this one rare purfume, scent, whatever you want to call it, that I really can't explain all the sentimental value of, but it brought back so many memories of when we were first sort of falling for each other, and it really was the sweetest gift. Well, only slightly less sweet than his other big shocker, of going to this one cement block, in downtown chicago, where we were thinking of moving to at one point, and taking a picture of himself lying next to the spot where we had carved our initials into an equation of love, (you know E +R = love 4 ever) litterally the day before I finally said yes to his year 2 month long proposal!!! So yeah, come to think of it, the things that are just from him are so much more special, cuz no one else IN THE WORLD would, or even could have given it...
So that's why I really didn't mind so much when the reason we weren't together till past dinnertime on valentine's day was because he was working very hard on this special card he was making just for me... No, I will love it forever...it's the best card I ever got... Hopefully he won't mind me holding on to it for years, as he hates when I do it with so many other, ok all my cards... I 'd throw them all away to keep his... And as an extra bonus, he not only liked the song I wrote him... I actually got to write a song for him! This is quite an accomplishment seeing as I've been feeling like I have less than zero creative spark, not to mention I do have less than zero free time, all feeling aside!!!
Well back to today... by the end of it (now) everything really is starting to look soo much better.... I mean I can't even recount all the twists and turns our love/hate relationship has taken these past few months, and how it's been acted out so overdramatically by me, especially these past few days, as well as today, but I can say, that so long as our daughter recovers from her crazy cold/flu/fever thing well, things haven't felt so good in a long time... Ya, ok, we fought a little this morning, (it really was only a little, I need to work on my habbit of blowing things out of perportion, especially in the middle of our "discussions") which it's no surprize really that it's been so hard lately, I mean we did get pregnant, after all, when our first daughter was only 7 months old, who herself was born over a month before our first anniversary, and since neither were planned... (planning is no skill of either of ours), I'd say the fact that we're even still together at this point is a good sign in itself....
Not that I expect marriages to fail under such circumstances, it's just obviously extra stressful to 2, very intense, independant people, who were really only just begining to get to know each other, and then, between the hormones, and mood swings, and this sudden weight of responsibility for 2 people who really thought they were gonna travel the world together for the next few years... I mean really I can only thank God...because even though we in many ways still long for the opportunity, neither of us would trade our children for all the time in the world.... And besides, we are determined, even if it takes years to prepare, to travel, with our family, wherever God leads us...and if that is just in the land of not quite blissful domestic bliss in the heart of suburbia for now, well so be it...we have a beautiful family, and so much to be thankful for, and we're fighting for and with eachother, much more than against each other, and I know God is with us, and...wow I can't even believe the hope I have right now...Thank you Jesus! It really is a miricle... I mean just this morning I was ready to say it really won't ever work... the screen door making the limbs of the trees contort in funny angles, like my face as I rocked in my chair staring out the front door and trying my hardest not to appear on the verge of tears... while my husband once again went through the endless list of all my shortcomings with a pause between each one to emphasize how I'm making him crazy...
Again, I really can only thank God that somehow, in the midst of all that, light broke though the clouds and found it's way to both our hearts and melted the patches of frost that had been building for some time, and showed us, we really do, as the song I wrote implies, belong together... we were made for each other... and in fact are lucky to have found each other, we'd lost so much allong the way of our crazy lives as it was... anyway... God, as is pleasing to You, may we continue to grow, steadfast, rooted and built up together, grounded in love... may we have a fruitful marriage, and please please God, may our little girl recover quickly, and be healed...amen
Well today was an interesting day... It started out in near disaster, with my marriage on the brink of destructiion, (this is me being melodramatic), and ended with my husband and I dancing!, while our very sick daughter made pathetic little smiles through the thumb in her mouth and behind her little elephant, "ellie". And in between all this we took turns caring for our little angel, who is quite the trooper I must say, having had a 103 temperature all day and, though whimpering a whole lot, still managed to smile and laugh in little intervals occasionally while mommy and or daddy did their very best to cheer her up. At least I can say that she brings us together, rather than tears us apart...that would be unbearable... We could be having a total communication breakdown, then, as quick as lightning, as soon as something, any little thing, is wrong with our baby, we're all of a sudden on the same team again, ready to defeat the world...
I will say, fortunately, that Valentine's day did happen to go rather well this year...not that I expected it not to, just we didn't even see each other till after 7 at night... We didn't do much special, and considering the fact(s) that we just barely made it to a resteraunt in time to order take out before they closed, made it home way past Adora's night night, and the pie that I made was an almost total failure, I'd say it was actually rather wonderful... Especially since we didn't fight even once in our whole 4 hours together!!! I'm sad to say this is a new record for us... but hey...what a triumph! I might as well be proud of it... This is not to say that all we do is fight, but I have been quite a terror lately. I'm super sensitive all the time and have way too many expectations for my poor saint of a husband, who tries so hard to please me, and realy does most of the time...just lately... I guess you can say it's been near impossible.
Anyway, I'm learning to appreciate every gesture of love...to cherish every little thing he does for me, just because it's uniquely him, and not because it's exactly what I want, or rather, not hate him for it not being anything near what I would've wanted if given the choice... No, I honestly must say I'd rather have a gift from him than just the gift... Sometimes he just likes to show me that he was thinking of me during his day...
For instance, the other day, he decided to come home early so I could go to a coffee shop and get some alone time, now this really is sweet, he even picked out a place that he insisted I go, (he went there to apply for a job and said he really thought it was a cafe i would like...), so I went and was silly enough to think he was actually gonna surprize me by being there waithing for me... and when he of course wasn't, I said to myself, well, he still is a sweetheart... And though I found myself the whole time wishing I was alone with him somewhere, I did manage to at least write a little and treasure the gift for what it was before hurrying home to be with him...
But sometimes he does things that are really romantic, just in a way I wouldn't have expected... Like for Christmas, I was so upset, because Christmas Eve is the day that my side of the family all gets together, and he decides he really needs to do some "last minute shopping", which I knew was at least partly for me, though he wouldn't admitt it, and I said, "please don't do this for me, I really would rather just have you here"... but boy would I have missed out!!... It turns out he had to hunt down the one and only shop in all the greater chicago area that had this one rare purfume, scent, whatever you want to call it, that I really can't explain all the sentimental value of, but it brought back so many memories of when we were first sort of falling for each other, and it really was the sweetest gift. Well, only slightly less sweet than his other big shocker, of going to this one cement block, in downtown chicago, where we were thinking of moving to at one point, and taking a picture of himself lying next to the spot where we had carved our initials into an equation of love, (you know E +R = love 4 ever) litterally the day before I finally said yes to his year 2 month long proposal!!! So yeah, come to think of it, the things that are just from him are so much more special, cuz no one else IN THE WORLD would, or even could have given it...
So that's why I really didn't mind so much when the reason we weren't together till past dinnertime on valentine's day was because he was working very hard on this special card he was making just for me... No, I will love it forever...it's the best card I ever got... Hopefully he won't mind me holding on to it for years, as he hates when I do it with so many other, ok all my cards... I 'd throw them all away to keep his... And as an extra bonus, he not only liked the song I wrote him... I actually got to write a song for him! This is quite an accomplishment seeing as I've been feeling like I have less than zero creative spark, not to mention I do have less than zero free time, all feeling aside!!!
Well back to today... by the end of it (now) everything really is starting to look soo much better.... I mean I can't even recount all the twists and turns our love/hate relationship has taken these past few months, and how it's been acted out so overdramatically by me, especially these past few days, as well as today, but I can say, that so long as our daughter recovers from her crazy cold/flu/fever thing well, things haven't felt so good in a long time... Ya, ok, we fought a little this morning, (it really was only a little, I need to work on my habbit of blowing things out of perportion, especially in the middle of our "discussions") which it's no surprize really that it's been so hard lately, I mean we did get pregnant, after all, when our first daughter was only 7 months old, who herself was born over a month before our first anniversary, and since neither were planned... (planning is no skill of either of ours), I'd say the fact that we're even still together at this point is a good sign in itself....
Not that I expect marriages to fail under such circumstances, it's just obviously extra stressful to 2, very intense, independant people, who were really only just begining to get to know each other, and then, between the hormones, and mood swings, and this sudden weight of responsibility for 2 people who really thought they were gonna travel the world together for the next few years... I mean really I can only thank God...because even though we in many ways still long for the opportunity, neither of us would trade our children for all the time in the world.... And besides, we are determined, even if it takes years to prepare, to travel, with our family, wherever God leads us...and if that is just in the land of not quite blissful domestic bliss in the heart of suburbia for now, well so be it...we have a beautiful family, and so much to be thankful for, and we're fighting for and with eachother, much more than against each other, and I know God is with us, and...wow I can't even believe the hope I have right now...Thank you Jesus! It really is a miricle... I mean just this morning I was ready to say it really won't ever work... the screen door making the limbs of the trees contort in funny angles, like my face as I rocked in my chair staring out the front door and trying my hardest not to appear on the verge of tears... while my husband once again went through the endless list of all my shortcomings with a pause between each one to emphasize how I'm making him crazy...
Again, I really can only thank God that somehow, in the midst of all that, light broke though the clouds and found it's way to both our hearts and melted the patches of frost that had been building for some time, and showed us, we really do, as the song I wrote implies, belong together... we were made for each other... and in fact are lucky to have found each other, we'd lost so much allong the way of our crazy lives as it was... anyway... God, as is pleasing to You, may we continue to grow, steadfast, rooted and built up together, grounded in love... may we have a fruitful marriage, and please please God, may our little girl recover quickly, and be healed...amen
posted by 1weirdgirl at 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
I'm rootin' for you guys and I love you, Renee... it's rough, especially what you've been going through, babies, depression, never being quite yourself. It's a good thing that life is seasonal. You won't always have tiny ones and raging hormones. Hopefully.
thanks... I need the reminders
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