once a mother
Well that sad day has come.. visiting time is over, no more fun and games, my life of luxury has drawn to an end... my mommy is going home... (and we're leaving Tahoe...)
i guess i knew it was bound to happen... i mean what did i expect? her to stay here forever and always take care of me... never leave me nor forsake me, something like that?... no i guess that's Jesus' job now... or Eddie's... at least that's what she thought on our wedding day, when she looked at ed with a half mischievous grin and said, “she's your problem now!”
did she really believe her days of caring for me were over? That i wouldn't need her anymore, or be calling her every other day for some random recipe or cooking instructions... or to ask her advice on some matter of parenting... did she really believe, now that i had a husband, that he'd take care of all my problems, ease every worry and sway every fear, calm every last nerve, and dry every tear...?
or did she know that he inevitably would be the cause of a few, and the other half of that smile was to say she was only kidding herself...? and maybe she actually couldn't wait for all the more opportunity to exercise the love and support only a mother can?
ah, well, the funny thing is, as we both have found, that lately we've both rather needed each other a little, and in some ways i probably need her more now than ever before....
well i don't want to over-dramatize everything, buy i must say, i certainly have my wok cut out for me... and it doesn't help matters much, the fact that Adora is completely and totally in love with her grammy...(”meemee” she calls her).. which is of course a good thing, except that she totally freaks out, i mean we're talking complete hysteria here, every time grammy so much as leaves the room without informing her or bringing her with... let alone actually leaves... and such as the case being, i have been dreading this day more and more the nearer it got... hoping that by the time it came around, Adora would have fallen in love with me again.... i guess i just have to trust that she will eventually get over it...
it's an odd feeling really, as i analyze it... i mean i want my daughter(s) to love their grandmother.. but i can't help but be a little hurt, or jealous even, when she seems to be preferred over me... and then i feel selfish, but isn't that natural?... i mean i love her so much, and i've done so much for her, i gave birth to her, went through incredible lengths and amounts of pain for her, cried over her, feared for her life even, watched her grow and change day after day, for over a year now... i've fed her from my own body, and yet i feel like i am always second hand news to her...
first it was with her daddy... which i actually don't mind that much, though maybe that's because i know he's coming home every time he leaves... but with this it's different... i'm already feeling so vulnerable and incompetent... and abandoned myself i guess... i think i'm hitting on a rather deep rooted issue here... i think i've felt abandoned my whole life... but it's not like i really had all that much of a cause to really... my mom did all she could i believe... sure she didn't have to work i guess. But she did... and it wasn't to get away from me or anything (duh!!!)... and it's not like she was always away... she came back... how many people lose their mothers for real... and yearn for them endlessly, with a thirst that is not quenched in this life, not outside the love of God anyway...
anyway i guess i can relate, to Adora that is, i mean my mom is pretty wonderful to me too... i told adora that one time on another visit, when grammy had to go to the bathroom and adora stood at the door crying, i said...”yeah i know. I like her a little too much too...”
well.. in any event. I guess it all comes down to the fact that i have to figure it out sooner or later... and, lucky for me, as i've said before, i have my friend steffanie coming, and after that Ed's mom and grandma... i have more help this time, and for longer, than i've ever had, or even could've asked for... i should be grateful... ecstatic... but instead i'm feeling sorry for myself, and wondering what on earth i'm gonna do and how i'll survive...
okay, i admit, i'm a exaggerating little.. but not much really...
my biggest regrets this visit is all the time wasted on arguing and bad communication, which thankfully was at a record low, and yet this time has cut deeper than ever...
i want to remember this visit as one of the best yet... i want there to be only pleasant memories associated with the coming of our little chloe girl.. i want to say, that it was non stop wonderful the whole entire time and i'm miserable for it to be over... and while that is not entirely the case, the latter is true, and i am going to miss my mother terribly, maybe even as much as Adora
mom if you read this i want you to know that i love you, and look up to you in ways you would never consider yourself worthy of... i want you to know that i see your hard work, and i hope i'm not the burden i tend to see myself as... i hope that it was a worthwhile trip for you, and though i say things like “i don't know if i can make it without you” i want you to know, that it's because of you, and who you are, that i know i will get through... you show me endurance and determination, and i thank you for that...
i say all these things, because i know how easy it is to lose sight of the good things, in light of the bad or hard... i know the temptation of beating oneself up over things that are past... mistakes yes, but passed and gone they truly are... i want for you, like i want for me, to not look back on this time with hurt and regret, but with joy and thanksgiving...
we all make mistakes, but we hopefully learn from them... learn how to be better, not just how bad off we are...
anyway... i see you and i know that it is true... once a mother, always a mother... and i'm glad you're my mother...
thank you... for everything...
please, more than anything else, remember that i'm glad you came, and you were a big help, and a huge blessing, and i'm sorry it cost you so much, and i can only dare to hope that one day Adora will love me as much as i love you...
i guess i knew it was bound to happen... i mean what did i expect? her to stay here forever and always take care of me... never leave me nor forsake me, something like that?... no i guess that's Jesus' job now... or Eddie's... at least that's what she thought on our wedding day, when she looked at ed with a half mischievous grin and said, “she's your problem now!”
did she really believe her days of caring for me were over? That i wouldn't need her anymore, or be calling her every other day for some random recipe or cooking instructions... or to ask her advice on some matter of parenting... did she really believe, now that i had a husband, that he'd take care of all my problems, ease every worry and sway every fear, calm every last nerve, and dry every tear...?
or did she know that he inevitably would be the cause of a few, and the other half of that smile was to say she was only kidding herself...? and maybe she actually couldn't wait for all the more opportunity to exercise the love and support only a mother can?
ah, well, the funny thing is, as we both have found, that lately we've both rather needed each other a little, and in some ways i probably need her more now than ever before....
well i don't want to over-dramatize everything, buy i must say, i certainly have my wok cut out for me... and it doesn't help matters much, the fact that Adora is completely and totally in love with her grammy...(”meemee” she calls her).. which is of course a good thing, except that she totally freaks out, i mean we're talking complete hysteria here, every time grammy so much as leaves the room without informing her or bringing her with... let alone actually leaves... and such as the case being, i have been dreading this day more and more the nearer it got... hoping that by the time it came around, Adora would have fallen in love with me again.... i guess i just have to trust that she will eventually get over it...
it's an odd feeling really, as i analyze it... i mean i want my daughter(s) to love their grandmother.. but i can't help but be a little hurt, or jealous even, when she seems to be preferred over me... and then i feel selfish, but isn't that natural?... i mean i love her so much, and i've done so much for her, i gave birth to her, went through incredible lengths and amounts of pain for her, cried over her, feared for her life even, watched her grow and change day after day, for over a year now... i've fed her from my own body, and yet i feel like i am always second hand news to her...
first it was with her daddy... which i actually don't mind that much, though maybe that's because i know he's coming home every time he leaves... but with this it's different... i'm already feeling so vulnerable and incompetent... and abandoned myself i guess... i think i'm hitting on a rather deep rooted issue here... i think i've felt abandoned my whole life... but it's not like i really had all that much of a cause to really... my mom did all she could i believe... sure she didn't have to work i guess. But she did... and it wasn't to get away from me or anything (duh!!!)... and it's not like she was always away... she came back... how many people lose their mothers for real... and yearn for them endlessly, with a thirst that is not quenched in this life, not outside the love of God anyway...
anyway i guess i can relate, to Adora that is, i mean my mom is pretty wonderful to me too... i told adora that one time on another visit, when grammy had to go to the bathroom and adora stood at the door crying, i said...”yeah i know. I like her a little too much too...”
well.. in any event. I guess it all comes down to the fact that i have to figure it out sooner or later... and, lucky for me, as i've said before, i have my friend steffanie coming, and after that Ed's mom and grandma... i have more help this time, and for longer, than i've ever had, or even could've asked for... i should be grateful... ecstatic... but instead i'm feeling sorry for myself, and wondering what on earth i'm gonna do and how i'll survive...
okay, i admit, i'm a exaggerating little.. but not much really...
my biggest regrets this visit is all the time wasted on arguing and bad communication, which thankfully was at a record low, and yet this time has cut deeper than ever...
i want to remember this visit as one of the best yet... i want there to be only pleasant memories associated with the coming of our little chloe girl.. i want to say, that it was non stop wonderful the whole entire time and i'm miserable for it to be over... and while that is not entirely the case, the latter is true, and i am going to miss my mother terribly, maybe even as much as Adora
mom if you read this i want you to know that i love you, and look up to you in ways you would never consider yourself worthy of... i want you to know that i see your hard work, and i hope i'm not the burden i tend to see myself as... i hope that it was a worthwhile trip for you, and though i say things like “i don't know if i can make it without you” i want you to know, that it's because of you, and who you are, that i know i will get through... you show me endurance and determination, and i thank you for that...
i say all these things, because i know how easy it is to lose sight of the good things, in light of the bad or hard... i know the temptation of beating oneself up over things that are past... mistakes yes, but passed and gone they truly are... i want for you, like i want for me, to not look back on this time with hurt and regret, but with joy and thanksgiving...
we all make mistakes, but we hopefully learn from them... learn how to be better, not just how bad off we are...
anyway... i see you and i know that it is true... once a mother, always a mother... and i'm glad you're my mother...
thank you... for everything...
please, more than anything else, remember that i'm glad you came, and you were a big help, and a huge blessing, and i'm sorry it cost you so much, and i can only dare to hope that one day Adora will love me as much as i love you...
posted by 1weirdgirl at 2:38 AM
3 Comments:
Actually, the way the story went was that Rocco said I know Mom's happy, because Renee's now Eddie's problem....... but your rememberance is cuter. It doesn't matter because I couldn't have been happier or more proud of you the day you married Eddie and I saw you dancing with Dad, until now. I've seen you love and nurture those two little girls and I am so envious. I only had one little girl to love and cherish. But all the trials and arguements have been and still are worth it. Dad has a word that describes us. We're too emotional and too quick to speak. Then the other snaps back. I apologized to Dad and I do to you and Eddie. It was never about the money, I wish there was more we could give you. As you can see by the hour, I can't sleep and will definintly pay for this in the morning, when I have to drag myself to work. But I do cherish the memories and time we had together. Saturday just got too stressful, I think because like you I knew it was all ending. Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary went to never-neverland. Played with the kids, forgot they had any responsibilities, but woke up on Sunday and found themselves on the way back to reality. It was a sad trip home, but they kissed and made up, laughed and cried, and dreamt of the next trip and promised to behave like loving parents.
I know exactly what you are talking about, Renee. The needing your mom but not wanting to be so needy, the wanting your kids to love their grandparents but being the teeniest bit jealous. For me it's the fact that I run around doing chores all the time and then my mom comes to help me and I go to work and she plays with the kids and I'm thinking-I wish I could play. Chinua tells me that I need to expand my idea of family, that of course kids need tons of people to love them and they will never not need me. It does come full circle. Kai sometimes says, I just wanna hang out with my mom, and that makes me so happy.
did your mommy make you chicken and dumplings?
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