progress...
i ate today...
just now...
for the first time in a while it seems...
i have slim fast some days, but most days it is coffee and cigarettes, and maybe a peice of pumpkin bread...
anyway.. i'm not sure i like the feeling of food in my stomach any more, but we shall see...
it is a strange thing to feel like you can litterally watch yourself slip away and not even care.
i have spent too much time consumed by the ideas that
a) i am no good.
b)nmy husband will never cherish, apreciate, or love me the way i want or think i need, and
c) sooner or later i will totally screw up my kids, mentally and spiritually... the physical part i blame on bad genes, that i too have inherited but have no control over...
these ideas, which i will no longer call realities, have been defining me.. or at least i have been letting them... and i let every scene play out in my day to day, as only further prooff, and with them as central themes...
i cannot say for sure that i am totally powerless over it.. but it seems if i am, God wants me to be... and the more i fight it, the stronger it gets, and the more i am faced with my insufficiency... and quite frankly, that is okay.
i have always thought that to realize your weaknesses is a good place to be... but when you let those weaknesses consume you, and control you and they are in fact your reality, then that is when the darkness is getting too close... it may start slow.. even unnoticeable, but when you are in it, it can seem too late, like there is no turning back...
i had to realize today that my husband is not my savior... not in any sense... wether he could be, or should be, or would even want to be, are not the questions... at least i cannot let these questions sit too long in my head without seriously wanting to kill myself... or him... and at this discovery it is very clear... he cannot help me.. i cannot force him to or even let him if he tries. it is too great a burden, and as of yet he is unwilling to carry it, even if... you know... the whole "shoulacouldawoulda" trip...
so there it is... that is my marked moment of clarity...
Gad alone is my salvation, and God alone will decide what and when any progression in my state shall be made.. and again, that is okay.
today is the marked day of letting go.
just now...
for the first time in a while it seems...
i have slim fast some days, but most days it is coffee and cigarettes, and maybe a peice of pumpkin bread...
anyway.. i'm not sure i like the feeling of food in my stomach any more, but we shall see...
it is a strange thing to feel like you can litterally watch yourself slip away and not even care.
i have spent too much time consumed by the ideas that
a) i am no good.
b)nmy husband will never cherish, apreciate, or love me the way i want or think i need, and
c) sooner or later i will totally screw up my kids, mentally and spiritually... the physical part i blame on bad genes, that i too have inherited but have no control over...
these ideas, which i will no longer call realities, have been defining me.. or at least i have been letting them... and i let every scene play out in my day to day, as only further prooff, and with them as central themes...
i cannot say for sure that i am totally powerless over it.. but it seems if i am, God wants me to be... and the more i fight it, the stronger it gets, and the more i am faced with my insufficiency... and quite frankly, that is okay.
i have always thought that to realize your weaknesses is a good place to be... but when you let those weaknesses consume you, and control you and they are in fact your reality, then that is when the darkness is getting too close... it may start slow.. even unnoticeable, but when you are in it, it can seem too late, like there is no turning back...
i had to realize today that my husband is not my savior... not in any sense... wether he could be, or should be, or would even want to be, are not the questions... at least i cannot let these questions sit too long in my head without seriously wanting to kill myself... or him... and at this discovery it is very clear... he cannot help me.. i cannot force him to or even let him if he tries. it is too great a burden, and as of yet he is unwilling to carry it, even if... you know... the whole "shoulacouldawoulda" trip...
so there it is... that is my marked moment of clarity...
Gad alone is my salvation, and God alone will decide what and when any progression in my state shall be made.. and again, that is okay.
today is the marked day of letting go.
posted by 1weirdgirl at 9:43 AM
4 Comments:
This sounds good, you'll make it just fine, but how about those good good vegetables you would eat better than me?
ya, i feel this way too, and I have to just try hard to ignore it, but even igonring it doesn't give me back my energy...so I get more depressed when I can barely stand up and then in comes andrew huffing and puffing about the house work, and ahh Im hungry, and ughhhh, cant you make the curtain, and uhhhhh you haven't cleaned up jabens cherrios mess in his crib uuhhhhhh. And I just want to strangle him or tell him to go away. It is so hard to want to live this life, it seems so pointless.
Um, I'm sorry if this sounds too Jewish mother of me, but have you heard the term "a vicious cycle"? As in, if you're depressed, you don't eat, if you don't eat, you become depressed? I made three rules for myself through these hard post partum times... 1) Eat, every meal, don't skip 2) Sleep 3) Wash your dang face, Rae!
That said, if you don't eat I will have to come out there and force some arugula down your throat!
And I think that all your musings are great and that you're an amazing girl. Remember that the whole point of the Bible is that we are too sick and twisted, focusing on ourselves will always make us despair. The only hope is that SOMEWHERE there is good, and that is God. Or Gad, as you like to call him. :)
My sweet, sweet child. How it hurts to see the pain, to watch with anguish as you torture yourself. You cannot allow the actions of others to distroy your hopes and dreams. God made you in his image. He has created each of us and loves us. All his creations are beautiful and cherished. And he will get you through this. Know you are loved. Know you are special. Know you are unique and beautiful.
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