What's new?

well... i got inspired to start a blog for my girly's... with their own profile, and under their name... maybe i bit off more than i can chew... maybe people won't even read my blog anymore... i don't know... i just wanted to start a log of sorts of their life and them growing up... it'll probably be mostly pictures... and i might even write less... but i'll still have this blog, and will write all my stories and what not's here.. hope it's as fun as it sounds... anyway, click on the link to the right to check it out... under my profile, there's my links, and the first one says my beautiful babies... i only just started but ishould update it fairly often.. at least that's the plan... chow...

a random story I started to write about a few weeks ago, and after every interruption in the world I am just now deciding to finish and post

So, I'm thinking I may have been a little traumatized from living in the city (where I recently moved from)...

I was walking LoLo home from a doctor's appointment the other day, the sun was warm, the wind it's perfect compliment, and everything about the walk was so peaceful and easy, and sweet...

And then, out of nowhere, this lady came up behind me, and I knew she had just crossed he street, but seemed to have done so faster than I would've thought possible, and it startled me a little so I turned to look, and something about the intensity in her eyes as she said "hi" a little too excitedly, chilled me near to the bone..

She started to speak again, all hurried, and I got so scarred as I noticed she was getting even closer, and then... so fast... she just passed right by me, and kept on walking, speed walking really, with nothing more as her concern and then it registered...

All she had said as she was passing me was "I'm just gonna scoot right by you... thanks"

And it occurred to me that maybe she was just in a hurry, late to somewhere, and what I took for a crazed look in her eyes was probably just the result from her having already been walking fast, and she wasn't a crazy person at all just some random lady, dressed rather business like and probably headed somewhere important. She wasn't coming after me, or my baby, and everything was just fine...

At this point I noticed that my heart had been pounding, and I had really been more than a little shaken up...

It had brought back so many memories of the city, where I couldn't hardly walk across the street to the store with out someone saying some random perverted comment, or wanting to touch my baby, or looking at me a little too interestedly, or wanting something from me, be it a cigarette, or some spare change, or company of some impure kind.

When I say city, I'm referring to San Francisco. We've recently moved from there, and I guess you could say I'm still adjusting.
San Francisco is a strange city, and we lived right on Haight St... one of the most interesting neighborhoods I know... right above a bar and a coffee shop, next to the famous Amoeba Records, and across the street from a club... There were fights outside our windows just about every night.. serious fights too, and probably every cuss word known to man would come floating into our bed or living rooms, not so softly, a few dozen times a day, at any and all hours

the incident I was most reminded of though occurred downtown at the public library, which I think is like some sort of hang out or social club for crazy homeless people and I mean really crazy... scary crazy, and smelly too... Maybe someone reading this will think I am exaggerating, and that person has either never been there, or if they were they didn't pay attention... Then again maybe having a very young daughter with you can make a person a little over sensitive, I don't know... I just know that for me, since this one incident it has been a very difficult place to go...

so, anyway, I was at the library, with my husband, and my daughter, who was around 6 months old, was in her stroller... My husband and I had separated for a time and I was just walking around, when I got the distinct feeling that I was being watched... closely... invadingly... when I finally discovered the source of the attention, I made the mistake of making eye contact with a woman who to me appeared in a deranged zombie like state of mind, and who, the moment our eyes met, became so intentionaly focused on me and seemed to almost come alive with this need to come near to me and my "baby, ... baby... baby..." she kept saying monotonously and quietly, with this freakish sort of grin and scary almost perverted sort of interest...

oh my gosh' I thought 'I gotta get out of here...'

I thought if I could just get away from her she would soon forget about me, but after I lost her the first time- luckily she walked rather slow- I noticed, when I tried observing her from a distance that she appeared to be looking for me... I thought that maybe I was imagining it, but I went to find and tell my husband anyway, and while I was talking to him, convinced she had no idea where I was, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her! And she was coming towards me!... She really looked like a zombie now and I began to get really scared.., maybe not like a zombie as in the undead, but this odd sort of 'not all there' look. My husband on the other hand thought nothing of it, and the more I acted upset, the more he wanted to make fun of me.
Well, to make a long story short, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and was already crying, when after a few attempts to get away from her she'd find me again every time... I finally convinced my husband to hurry up, and that I was gonna leave with or without him, and just as I made it to the elevator she just popped up behind me.. like the lady from the walk home the other day... now, when I think of it, I can't even remember how it went exactly from there.. I think I yelled at her real loud, and said no a bunch of times, all the while she would just say "baby" over and over again with her hand reaching towards her, and somehow, not one ounce short of the grace of God I imagine, I was able to finally get away from her long enough to get on the elevator and get the heck outside...

It has only just now come to mind how affected by it all I really must have been. What happened on my walk home was not normal... I mean that's just not a typical response a person should have when encountering another human being on a stroll. And even as I think about that time in the city, I wonder if, like my husband thinks, it really wasn't that bad.. I mean, who knows what was going on in the lady's head.. I guess that's what scares me, but I mean she could've been totally harmless, and just wanted to look at a sweet baby and congradulate me or something... it's hard, even in memory to tell what was all in my head or what was really happenning, I guess there's no way to know for sure... maybe she was a bad person, maybe she was posessed, maybe she was a murdering kidnapper, maybe she just had a few mental problems, and really just needed to be loved, like every other hurt, broken, messed up or otherwise not quite right person... and maybe I've watched too many scarry movies, and heard a lot of horror stories, and happened to live in a city that a lot of christians claim is densely populated by demons (and probably is), and maybe sometimes I simply get, more than a little, freaked out...

God help me...

poor little girl...

so, yesterday, since Lizzy didn't wake up till after noon, I figured I wouldn't give her a nap, thinking it would allow for a more sane bed time...

here she is around 7 o'clock, waiting for her steamed squash


bad mommy...

I was gonna just put her to bed, but she woke up while I was putting her night diaper on, so I figured I'd go ahead and give her her supper, and then daddy came home and it was all over...

She just love's her daddy... I should've taken pictures but was too caught up in the excitement...
Daddy brought her home a ball, (her #1 favorite toy) and those homemade popscicle sticks so we can make her treats all summer long... fun times...
She didn't get to bed till 1/4 to 10... doggonnit!!!
Oh well...

On another note I will update, that things are looking ok for now... in reference to the darker parts of my last post... I just gotta keep my heart in longing for the Lover of my soul, and remember, that though this world is fallen, and it is a hard place, we have a hope and a promise far brighter than I can possibly dream of...
I know that even in my hardest and worst times God still and always is good...
Sometimes it just gets hard to let go of the fact that life really is dissappointing...
There are so many wants and desires, that I have to accept may never be fulfilled, but that God is my exceeding and great reward, and that is not only enough, but far better than for any wish to come true and not have His love...

today...

we didn't wake up till past noon, and i'm a little discouraged by the late start... i really wanted to have the house totally clean for the hubby who's coming home today... but i guess i should just be thankful i got any sleep at all...

baby #1, aka shrimp, and from here on out reffered to as lizzy, has, count them, 8 new teeth, 4 of them molars, 2 on bottom that just broke the surface, 2 on top on their way through, and 4 other front teeth, 2 on top and 2 on bottom, that are just peeking through... or should i say slicing through... the poor thing was up till midnight, most of that time spent crying, and this time neither the call from daddy nor the adult orajel helped...

she let me hold her for a little while, and would scream her head off any time i attempted to lay her in her crib... but she was perfectly content on messing up any area of the house i was attempting to clean, i figured what the heck we were all up i might as welltry to get something done, but it didn't do much good, tiil FINALLY, the last attempt at 12:01am proved to find her just tired enough to bear it and fall asleep... then i, once in the mood and on a roll, couldn't stop picking up till i felt sure that just in case hubby came home early again, he wouldn't be too disappointed, which thankfully found me at 2:30, rather than 5am, and big baby lizzy slept soundly tiil noon thirty...

ahhhhh....

one day i might have a normal schedule... of course some say i'm lucky to have good sleepers... but little do they know, that when the inevidable times do come, where either or both of my girls decide to go on a nap fast (which can and does happen), i simply cannot handle it...

that's how it was mostly all day yesterday, till, when i brushed lizzys teeth, and decided to take a look at the progress of what i thought was just the first 2 molars i mentioned, i felt terribly sorry for her when i discovered all the other coming teeth...

i really have no idea how incredibly painful that must be for her... it's like her whole mouth all at once, and i'm a snivelling little wimp whenever my one wisdom tooth acts up...

anyway, suffice it to say, it did feel good to simply show her mercy, as compared to all day i felt like i was being punished when LoLo wouldn't take hardly 1 half of a nap for me and i unfortunately seemed to be taking it all out on big sissy... but i did get a break with shrimp, who did nap, and a friend listened for her while i went out for coffee with the girls and then shopping.... and it felt good to know why she was so darnded fussy ALL DAY, and i deeply regretted being so short with her...

but today is a new day, and i do feel God is giving me the extra grace i need to make it through, and i do need a whole lot extra today, as 5 new bombs got dropped on my lap, screaming for disengagement...
*another bill
*reminder of more 'past due' bills, (we just paid one, litterally the day before they were gonna shut off our electric)
*2 wrongs needing to be made right with friends not nearby
*my husbands current struggles, which may be stirring up in him a darkness i'd hoped was fully dispelled a while ago, but is slowly remounting i sense, and bringing with it=
*the revisiting feeling i get sometimes about life in general, and how it will never be ok, and it's all falling apart, and everything is pointless and God is nowhere...

===with the last one, so far it is just a feeling, and I feel God must be somewhere, and is here in fact, holding it at bay, enough away to not consume me, but it's there just enough for me to sense it and I'm praying fervenlty for that aforementioned grace, to hold me high above it, and not drop me, not let me sink down in it, drowning, deeper and deeper....

I hear a whisper, just a notch above the roar of the crashing waves below....
"I've got you now, you are still in My Hands'

and also, for my husband, that he too can be held up by those same Hands that alone are what save us all...

warning... i jump through a few topics on this post...and yes there are photos

well, all talk and no play, makes for one fat nay nay...
just kidding...
seriously though, i do need to get off my but a little more...
but i just have to report that i am really starting to get the hang of the no sugar thing... like i don't even want it really...
i have my coffee with just cream... maybe a little too much cream, but hey, one step at a time, -still no sugar and that's amazing-, and i love it...

before i had started to like the "plain" cereal, i had bought some cereal that i knew would taste sweet, but said it only had like 6 grams of sugar, which i figured was a big enough step, but my husband ended up telling todd that i didn't want it because it was too sweet, and todd ate it all... at first i was a little bummed because i was really looking forward to it being the one thing that i enjoyed... but now i am seeing that, for me at least, having even the one little sweet thing keeps me craving it all day long... and it really is true, now that i have cut it out almost** completely i really appreciate the natural flavor of things... it reminds me of when i first bcame a raw foodist years ago and 'discovered' plain avacado, not made into guacamole, not on a bagel or in a salad, just plain, and it became my new love, that is how a lot of foods i'm eating now are becoming... and that is motivating me and it feels good...my mom was right...

**i only say 'almost' cuz i don't plan on giving it up for life or anything just until i:
a) see real results,
b) am no longer dependant on it,
c) crave it way less,
and
d) know my limits and am happy with keeping them

i still gotta work on the excersize thing though so i am taking my friend's and mom's advice and starting simple and keeping it fun...
first i have to clean my house though, so that when my husband gets back from redding it's not to a tornado disaster again like last week... in my defense i will say that he surprized me by coming home in the morning, with no warning call or anything...

but excuses aside, i really feel this is a major thing that i need to improve on... for him mainly i guess, but for me too... it really does feel good to have a clean house... and for ed it's not just the not coming home to a mess, it's also the not coming home to a stressed out wife who is mean, crabby, tired and a terrible housekeeper... with the focus more on me being stressed out.. which worries him and stresses him out...

he doesn't like to think of me all day long as being stuck in a messy house with crazy hyper kids and no breaks and no energy and unhappy... to him, when he comes home and sees that the house is picked up, he knows that it means i had a good day, and found time to do things, and he knows i am happier... which makes him happier...

i feel like i allow myself too many breaks, maybe i do need them, but i could be picking up or organizing, and conditioning myself to feel like i'm taking a break while i clean, and then, when i do sit down and look around, i actually enjoy it, rather than feel guilty for sitting down when i should clean...

so, all that to say, this is why i've been blogging a little less often.. not that i really expect anyone to have noticed, except for my mother who goes through withdrawls when i take too long to post new pictures of her babies (who can blame her?)... (don't worry mom, you're my biggest fan and i love it...)...

it dawned on me one day that i really do have more time than i give myself credit for... i mean, it takes time to write my bla bla bla's and upload a bunch of pictures... but also i should say, blogging at all in the first place has really been extremely healing for me... i feel like i've been pent up for a long time... and writing is a huge release, and every comment from a friend is so uplifting and has even helped me become a little less anti-social... except for when there's people over and i'm on the computer... LAME!!!

but... gosh, do i ramble or what?

on another note,

this week i miss ed more than i ever have any of the times we've been apart...
i'm glad that he's working, but i just miss him...maybe because last week i told myself i wasn't gonna miss him, and was glad he was going, and then when he came back we fought a lot, and this time we had barely made up before he left again, and my bed is now the loneliest place on earth...

last night i attempted to ease some of this loneliness, and brought adora in to bed with me, she's apparently been missing her daddy a lot too, seeing as she would wake up screaming every half hour, and when i'd go check on her she'd point to the door and cry asking for da da? da da? wey da da?... i finally had to call the infamous love of our lives and have him talk to her on the phone and pray with her like we do every night, and only then did she finally sleep...

i still think the daddy's girl bit is really sweet...

i'm rather fond of my daddy too, who, when he calls and asks how his baby is doing, he is asking about me, and that to me is the most wonderful thing in the world...

one of the first times that i talked to him after adora's birth he had asked, 'how's my baby?', and i said, 'who adora?' with maybe a hint of jealousy/posessiveness, but he responded with 'no you, you're my baby, you'll always be my baby' and he might not know this, but that honestly made me cry....

i love you daddy....


ok ok i'll do pictures for every theme,

me and the hubby

gramma's get their fix-




it's been hard so far to get a pic of the two munchkins together, shrimp can't keep her hands or lips off jumbo shrimp, so please bear with me and i will keep trying to get some good ones...
xoxoxoxo

most of our friends, if not all, can't believe my husband and i sleep in a tiny twin sized bed... both of us... at the same time...
and we are quite often teased about it...

but it feels as big as the ocean, ready to swallow me up, whenever he's gone

confession...

I'm starting to reconsider my whole dieting agenda... not the actual dieting, just the way of going about it... i feel like i'm doing it all wrong... i'm really discoraged... i feel like maybe my "quitting sugar" bit was just my way of getting out of excersizing, the nessescary element to losing wieght...i thought cutting out sweets was enough... i've heard of people just quitting soda and losing a bunch of weight... i don't know if this will cut it for me...

well truthfully, i may just simply be addicted to sugar, and am now experiencing the withdrawl stage... i'm deppressed, unmotivated, unable to concentrate, tired, slow, irritable...

renee suggested that if i just push through, once my body gets over it's dependancy, i'll start to feel better, and that may be all the encouragement i need... but i know, even with that, i do still need to excersize... why is it so hard?... i feel stuck in a chain effect... my lack of energy demotivates me to exert myself, and my lack of exerting myself is making me more tired...

one thing is the kick devon is on.. maybe if i can catch her wind i'll be allright.. but the timing thing just isn't working for me... i don't know if i can ever achieve such rigid schedling... i feel like all my shortcomings are piling up against me... i'm a terrible house keeper, i can't cook without making a huge mess, i hate to clean, i can't even go in my kitchen when it's trashed, everytime i do laundry, it ends up all over my house in piles that never find their drawers, and just end up back in the hamper again...and all i want to do is eat a bowl of ice cream and forget about it...

well... on a positive note... i have made it through a whole week without indulgence.. i say indulgence, because there is still sugar in my cereal... but a lot less than what i'm used to...so much so, that today, a bowl of plain corn flakes mixed with trader joes high fiber cereal, actually tasted good... that is an amazing leap of accomplishment if you ask me... i think i might start drinking coffee too, with just half and half, no sugar.. i think i'll almost enjoy it... and i might have the energy to clean the kitchen, which will encourage me to eat in a timely manner... that is my biggest hold up... timeliness.. today was the third day in a row that we had dinner past 9 o'clock... that just sucks.. sure i stay up late... but i don't want to keep on that way... i want to not eat past 6 or 7, and be in bed by 10 or 11...

oh if wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets....

i think i can do it... i'm just feeling sorry for myself...

i made a new rule, that for every 10 lbs i lose i can treat myself to frozen yogurt...

my friend todd thinks that's a little harsh, and i should shoot for every 2 or 3 lbs... i said that at that rate i'd be dieting till i'm sixty...

anyway.. the point of all the babbling on this post was to say, i'm sensing the need to take the next dreaded step into a real weight loss plan.... the physical one.... no pain no gain eh?

hello...

My name is Lo Lo, at least that's the nickname my mommy has given me, and i think i rather like it. when ever she calls me Lo Lo i smile... and i even giggled a few times (today for the first time) but that has nothing to do with the name... mommy has tried and tried to get my smiles and bubble blowings and giggles on video, but little does she know that it's something i like to do just for her, cuz she's my mommy... oh sure, some lucky few get to witness it, but only when mommy's right near by, and only cuz i know she's so proud of her happy little girl... apparently i am exceptionally happy, as mommy tells me all the time "you're the happiest baby i've ever met" and this just makes me smile more... i love to smile...

Today i turned 3 months old... so mommy says.. i don't really know what that means exactly, i just know i've come a long way... i may still have got a long way to go, but so far i am enjoying the ride... My mommy is good to me... she feeds me lotts of "milkies" which i love love love, and would probably consume all day long if she let me... she tells me i am a big girl... but i think i'm just right... of course she tells me i'm just right too.. and perfect, and absolutely wonderful... i love my mommy, and she loves me, and we never doubt that in each other....

Over all i'd say today was a good day... of course what do i know? except that it was a little cooler than it has been, and we went for a stroll to the library where there was a sing along... but i just hung out on mommy's lap, drinking my beloved milkies without a care in the world... my mommy's had it a little rough though i think...maybe cuz daddy's not here... shhhh though, don't tell her i told you, she tries really hard to keep up the fasade that she don't really miss him, but i can tell... me and my big sissy miss him too, but she's the one that falls apart...

Anyhoo... i just thought i'd drop a word in while mommy wasn't looking... if you ever wonder why she doesn't write about me very much it's cuz she's too busy falling in love with me to sit down and analyse the way to say it all... i know this cuz she told me that too... she also says she doesn't want to make people jealous or crazy cuz all she wants to do is brag about how i'm so great and sweet and cute and wondeful, and she feels like the luckiest mommy in the world... (most of the time)... she tells me everything... maybe because she thinks i don't understand... but i think it's cuz she knows i'm a good listener... i'm pretty patient, and try not to interupt her too much... of course she mostly talks when i'm drinking, and i'm too content to do anything about her babbling... but never mind that... i am a good listener and it just so happens that i get to do it mostly when i'm a suckling away... lucky me...

cold turkey

well... i don't know if i'm ready, but i tell myself i have to be ready, because it really is now or never as my friend devon says, who i don't blame for being at least a little mad at me for bringing brownies over to her house, after we vowed to quit sugar...

well, i'm not one to make excuses, no more than anyone else anyway, but here's my reasoning...

1. we had decided we would start after mother's day, with the whole dieting-losing weight thing, and i must've said it to my husband a few times, thinking for sure i would get some kind of special treat for mother's day.. which i didn't, but i probably would've been fine with it if i hadn't found the boxes of brownie mix on my shelf when i was looking for couscous... as soon as i saw it all i could think was how i really expected to go out with a bang.. as if the full pint of ben and jerry's that i bought myself the night before mother's day wasn't enough... honestly i'm only remembering that just now as i'm typing...
i don't know, maybe it is different treating yourself to something, when you really just wanted your husband to hook it up in some way... and it doesn't help that my husband is totally oblivious... he swears he's not a sweet tooth, but who do you think it is that begs me to make german pacakes every so often? and who's the one that makes the super sweet lemonade, or thinks a fruit smoothie counts as breakfast when i'm hungry for eggs and toast... and don't you ever even think of leaving any chocolate lying around in view... even out of view he will find it, and he will eat it, right in front of me...so anyway, the mother's day let down was one...

2, was I didn't think devon was still awake when i brought it over, and wasn't even planning to bring it over, i only made them cuz i thought that somehow going out with a bang might help me for some rediculous reason, and our friend todd who's living with us seemed really excited about them..

so... she may not believe nme, but i am really serious about it... and i totally regret eating the stinkin things... i have a really bad headache right now, and the worst feeling in my gut and i honestly don't know what i was thinking, besides what i've said already anyway, but none of it seems valid...

more than anything i'm just bummed that my usual methods of trying to get through to my husband aren't working, they never did i guess, so why am i surprized now...?

anyway... i'm not gonna be discouraged... and i really hope i didn't discourage her too much.. the whole thing, for me anyway, is hanging on the fact that we're doing it together, and i, for one, really need the support and motivation, so i'm disappointed in myself for letting her down so early in the game...

my goal is to quit sugar, and to not eat after 6 o'clock.... maybe not indefinately, but at least until i've made progres, which, if soon enough, i will be encouraged to continue abstaining, but if weeks go by and no weight loss, i will be forced to take more drastic measures... as if totally quitting sugar wasn't drastic enough...

i'm even quitting coffee, which isn't too insane, since i went without it during pregnancy, but i just have to... i love it way too much made just the right way, and absolutely cannot stand it without sugar... maybe once i've gone without sugar long enough it will start to taste sweeter...

anyway, i really think devon is also right about not having any sugar in your house... if i hadn't found those darned brownie mix boxes i might've been fine... but honestly i think they helped, in the sense that i didn't even enjoy eating them once i was caught...

so... cold turkey it is...

as of my waking hour i will no longer run to sugar at any and every opportunity that arises... either for comfort, or fun, or indulgence....

ooooo i know it's gonna be hard... but i gotta... i just gotta!! i weigh more now than i did 9 months pregnant with adora!!! that is just sick!!! especially since i was already 10-15 lbs over my highest ideal weight when i first concieved...

ok so... my goal..
i don't want to mention specific weights, cuz i know eveyone has different body types, and height is a factor, but i'm afraid if i mention the actual numbers people might flip out... but i will say this, although i don't trust or agree with the statistics necessarily, if i went by the charts, according to my height, i am actually considered obese right now, and not borderline either... but i honestly don't think i will ever make it all the way down to what is considered the normal weight for my height... i laugh when i think of it.. i mean i guess they expect all people 1 inch over 5 feet tall to be total twigs or something...

anyway... my end goal is to lose 35-40lbs... (believe it or not this will still put me 15-20 lbs over weight in "their" eyes, whoever those stupid "they"'s are

ok... soo.. i don't know about time limits... but my hope is by next summer to actually want to wear a bikini... i mean get excited to go buy one and see myself in it... is this vanity? i don't know.... i just don't think i could even wear a one peice happily... right now, if i were to go swimming, i'd wear my husbands swimming trunks... which are super tight on me and a t-shirt... i'd look and feel rediculous...

well... in case anyone is thinking it's too soon after having a baby to be so concerned about it, i will only repeat my friends statement.. it really is now or never....

i have talked about losing weight for years now, and never once in all that time gave it the slightest effort, and i have only gained and gained since then... i know i had 2 babies, but to be weighing what i weighed at full term quite honestly just plain grosses me out.

well... may the best woman win...jk... we're also sort of racing some friends up north in honor of elena's show, biggest loser... i really don't care about the numbers, i just want us each to be feeling good about ourselves... that is worth the sacrifice i think...

i hope...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Well... what can I say? I didn't get cards out in time, even though I did buy them, and I think they said it almost perfect, nor did I get presents sent, though I know what I wanted to send, and hope I'll still get to, and I'm hoping to make the phone calls, though I haven't quite had the chance yet... despite all that, I'm trusting that my 3 biggest fans) my mom, mom-n-law, and great mom-n-law) are gonna read this today, and so I will say this...

Motherhood...

once a child myself,
cared for and loved by an amazing woman,
who sees not her own beauty

I find myself in awe and bewildered,
At the miricle of life

I never would have known
Never could have guessed
How truly wonderful it is to be a mom

All those years I spent fighting the one woman who loved me most
Trying to forge my own way
Trying to claim my own identity

I lost myself in the wake of my own destruction
And found myself in the arms of God, who had me all along

I dread the day my daughters may say the things I've said
Or do the things I've done

I fear the times that I wish never do, but still may possibly come

All I can do, in this moment, on this blessed day
Is thank my Maker for blessing me in such an outstanding way

Rebellion is a thing, that I fear in some ways cannot be stopped
But for now I have 2 little girls, so sweet, and so pure,
And thankfully more compliant than not

I see these little jewels,
so young, so precious,
so fun and free and cute,
despite their many blunders
They are mine,
they are gifts from Heaven on high
they are my life and my joy
my pride and priceless wonders

They are to me the most beautiful and miraculous things alive
And just the thought, that someone could have looked at me this way,
Cared for me day after day
Loved me and loved me, and never stopped loving me,
Despite how far I'd turned away...

I am floored...completely knocked down
Gy the grace and mercy and enduarance my own mother has shown
She shows me, as every mom in my life shows me
That we are most important people in the lives of our children
Who themselves are more important than we otherwise could've known

I just want to thank you...

One,
My my own mother, who has done miricles greater than I know, just in her faithfulness to raise me, and in never giving up on me, through the years of more heartache than a mom should have to endure... for being someone I look up to and appreciate more than she knows, and more than anyone in the world. She has taught me the most important thing I'll ever know... that no matter what trial life may bring, God alone is faithful to carry us though, and sometimes, all we can do is trust him in that, and that is enough...

Two,
My mother in law, who though I once feared, I now see as truly wonderful, she herself has overcome things far greater than I have had to, has seen her way above and beyond many unbearable obstacles, and who is by far an accomplished woman, and a terrific mother. A lady of strength, courage, love and kindness. She has brought into this world, the one man I love, and has welcomed me and accepted me as a dauhgter, and this brings tears to my eyes. She probably has no idea how proud of her her son is, how he brags about her, and looks up to her... it can be pretty funny when we start our little game of who's mom really knows best, both of us have call our mom's fairly often, to answer some random question on life, be it a recipe, or a moral practice, and we are like children, "well my mom does it this way..." "well my mom always said to...."
and in the end we have to just agree that somehow God arranged it so that we both got the top pick on moms...

and him the lucky one to have his grandma still goin strong...

Three
The lovely "Nanny Joe" as I've named her...my grandma in law, who herself is quite amazing... She does not lack any bit of her grandsons praises... the story's he tells, the love in his voice, all bear testimony to the treasure that she is. I am glad to know her, she is an inspiration, a work of art. She has such a youth about her even still, and a jubilee, people can't help but love her... Our dear friend and neighbor (Devon) still says, at every mention of her "I love that woman!!!" Her flaming red hair, the fire in her bright blue eyes, she'll be young till the day she dies! (I hate that word by the way, and I hope it's not offensive). She's the youngest great grandma I've ever met, and doesn't act a day over 40. She's raised 4 children, one whom I dearly love, (I haven't met the others yet...) and co-raised the love of my life ( an accomplishment in and of itself), and is such a blessing in our lives, and I wish we talked more, but she tells me she reads my blog every day, which makes me feel so loved, and I am so thankful for her, and I think everyone can testify to how spoiled Adora is by her, which I just think is so special for her... don't you other gramma's get jealous now, we all have to admitt, to have a great grandma is extra special, as I can only guess that being one must be too...

Four
A special prayer also goes out to my Noni, my dad's mom, who probably won't read this ever, she's climbing up there in years, and is unfortunately in a nursing home, but is no less a wonder in my life.

Mother of 3, Grandmother of 10, Great Grandmother of 15! (my 2 being the youngest 2, which oddly enough are in the same age range as...) and believe it or not, Great Great Grandma of 1!, (just born last year, around my oldests' first birthday, who I have yet to meet...)
I'd probably have to draw a family tree for it all to make sense, but I'm the youngest grandchild, and 2 months younger than the oldest great-grandchild...
any way, she's is well worthy of the mother title... and I'd say worthy of some special award, though I'm sure she's surpassed by some in offspring, it is very few, and certainly surpassed by fewer in heart!!! I miss her to peices, she's the best grandma in the world, sorry moms..., but I've always loved every italian inch of her... I still make and adore her famous cookies, and wish I could cook as good as her... she is a true matriarch, and a mother of mothers, though she had all boys, she loved each of their wives as if they were hers, and was adored by all,

I only wish my mom's mother were still around, I think she might've made really good friends with Nanny Joe, and I'm sure would have loved her great grandchildren, now 5 of them, and I miss her terribly, as I'm sure my mom does, but rest assured on the truth of her really being in a better place, for there is no better place than with our Lord...

all that to say Happy Mother's Day, to all my moms, whom I'm so lucky to have....

To all the people who read my blog, that aren't at my house right now...

(or those at my house who haven't heard this story any of the 6 times I've told it...)

So, this weeked is Whole Earth Festival (click to read about it), and just about everyone we know is staying at our house... well sort of... we only have so much room, and there are some families staying at other families houses that live in the area and are generally connected to this group of people called Prodigal Project (again, click on it to read...)

Well.. more on that whole topic later...

So today is also Mother's Day, which is fitting, seeing as we were woken up at 6 in the morning by our oldest beauty queen, (who's only 18 1/2 months old) pounding on the window between her room and ours and screaming her head off...

Why all the commotion? Only a bed full of poop!!! Not a diaper full, a whole bed full!... And now I am dealing with the aftermath of laundry and dirty diapers and fussy babies, while hubby is off playing superhero missionary man....

Don't get me wrong... I don't mind really... I'll get there... eventually,"in your own sweet time", as he would say... and I guess I could have tried to go with the rest of the crew who rushed out in a whirl of punctuality that blew me away... but I don't know that I have enough diapers for the day... seeing as I do cloth, and our youngest has grown at a remarkable speed and is wearing the same size as her big sissy who's 16 months older than her... I think their new nicknames are gonna be "shrimp" and "jumbo shrimp"... can you guess who's who? I'll give a little hint... little miss jumbo shrimp is not even 3 months old, and has already doubled her birthweight, and probably weighs more than her sister did at 9 months old!!... but I guess that shouldn't count since the poor girl had lost a bunch of weight due to the combo of an unseen allergen in her food, a roto virus, and mommy being 2 months pregnant and still trying to nurse her... at this point I should mention that she's fine now, still a little underweight I guess, but she's really short, and actually a little pudgy... she started gaining weight again just fine once we recognized the wheat allergy (mild as it was), and took her off of that, started her on formula, and her body naturally beat the virus, which we couldn't do anything for but wait out anyway...

Well...enough of all that...

Lately, more and more I've really been coming to love being a mommy, and that's what really matters to me today, despite all these wacky tales I tell...

And more and more everyday, my own mother becomes an even bigger hero in my eyes, as I can only imagine, and relate to, all that she must've gone through raising me and my brother...
I love you Mom...
(Happy Mother's Day post will appear above this one once I post it...)

A day in the life of...

Adora...
reading the paper...



making a phone call...



I am so amazed at how quickly she picks up on things just by mere observation... I know that it's normal for children to mimick those around them, but it's totally new to me, and stops me short every time in complete awe. It's just so cute and funny, and yet to her, I think she really believes she's simply doing whatever it is that people do... I love it.. She's so smart, and ready and willing to learn... And while there are so many things that just plain baffle me, like in my funny girl post, there are, too, so many things that I say "where did she learn that?" or "I can't believe she remembers me doing that, for her to be doing it" Sometimes it will take me a minute to connect the fact that it's something she's seen me do... like when she finds an empty water jug that I fill up at the store, and she'll pull the cap off and hold the jug to her nose, and then smile at me, seeking my approval. The confusion fades when I realize that I do that to smell them to make sure they haven't gotten musty inside... Or she'll go picking up random objects off the floor and putting them in a plastic bag that she's carrying around with her, like I do when I'm doing a quick clean up.

I love My Husband...

My husband, more than anyone in the whole world, has the power to make me feel so special and loved and beautiful, that I almost cry...

Today I woke up with one of my rather common moods of self-pity, nobody loves me crap, and he might've known, cuz we talked a little about it last night, but wether or not he knew how I was feeling, he somehow knew just the thing to make everything all better...

"do you want me to make you breakfast?"

"sure" I reply... how could I refuse right?, Well besides all the reasoning of how I'm the only one who cooks how I like to eat, or him never knowing what I want... Well, for his credit, I will say, not one of his breakfasts has ever fallen anywhere short of perfect... I wasn't thinking of that though, I was too stuck in my world of feeling sorry for myself, and was busy writing all my feelings of desperation and self-loathing, and little did I know, he was whipping one up that would top them all....

Maybe it was because I was in such a sad mood... begging for a little pick me up... Maybe it was that I was really hungry.. Maybe it's that I really did marry the most wonderful man alive... I don't know... I just know I love him soooooo much... and am so lucky to have him...

Here's a little snippet of the despair that I was typing :

"i feel i am standing at the edge of a cliff... in front of me and below me, is the deep abyss that calls me, claims to own me... speaks the words that i know are lies but feel so real and true... so provable, concievable, undenyable....

behind me is laughter and sweetness... my daughters' and their undying love, one's precious giggle, that is surely the most beautiful sound in the world, and the other's cooing and gurgling smiles, again so beautiful as to make flowers as dung and the light of the sun dimmer than a candle's... they call to me.. they love me... and the caress of my husband, who is, beyond whatever words i can find that do not do justice to his love for me, by far the dearest and most genuine man... a little off the wall yes, but tender hearted and true, caring and selfless in his giving, and forever concerned primarily with the things of God and the good of his family...

they all seem to be telling me that i don't have to fall in, that even if i stood still, they would eventually be able to pull me back, but that even now i have the power to turn around... they tell me that depression and despair are merely a temptation to let faith falter, not proof in itself that faith is futile.... but i am leaning, ever so slightly. closer and closer still, towards the air that hangs around me and ahead of me and is almost pulling me... i am ready, it seems, at any second to let go and drop in to the continuous nothingness of self pity and loneliness below...

'you're not worth it'... the darkness below tells me... 'you only fail them again and again'..."

and as I'm writing this, he comes in, and hands me the most delicious smelling, and looking, food ever... and all that was washed away, with evey bite of perfectly seasoned cheesy eggs and spinach with tomatoes and perfectly toasted bread, I became more and more happy and in love, and less and less bitter and depressed. After I ate it, I thought I should've gotten a picture, it was so wonderful. Well, I missed that opportunity, but here's one of the fresh smoothie that acompanied it and made me feel like I'd been whisked away on to some carribean island somewhere


I feel like the luckiest girl on earth right now... in light of what I was previously writing, I feel that they have successfully deterred me once again, and he especially, has shown me that I am worth it... to him.

I just had a thought, that someone may be wondering how a breakfast could do all that, no matter how great it tastes... so i'll add this:

well one thing i would say, is that he didn't just throw something together... i mean he really made it nice and it felt more special than the actual food, because i knew it was made with love by how well it was put together. and how good it tasted was almost speaking to my soul, as if to say, life really is this good, if you let it be...

another thing is that it is fairly rare for him to cook for me.. so that made it extra special

and then, he even let me take a few pictures of him till i got one i could live with, while he was really trying to get some work done planting our flower bed... when he's in work mode he can be a little... short, for lack of a better word... so just him allowing the interruption made all the joy i was feeling already, become all the more real... so that when i did get to writing this post, that i just had to write, given the fact that i wouldn't dare continue with writing what i was prior, i really did feel rescued...

Dear Chloe'

My sweet little baby
You are intoxicating to look at
To smell you is to be drunk in love
To hold you is bliss...most of the time...
I have to admitt, I can be a little impatient sometimes, when I want you to sleep, or you wake up before I'm ready... but I always regret it, and any time you're asleep for more than an hour, I miss you terribly and have to force myself out of the room, cuz the more I stare at you, the stronger the temptation is to wake you up, just so I can hold you...
You have an infectious smile that brightens up my whole world, as well as your sister's who adores you beyond words
You are absolutely beautiful, with big blue eyes that we hope never change
You are gentle and tender and were born to laugh and love.
You sweep us all off our feet, despite your size... though you're actually quite big, determined, I think, to catch up with that poking, prodding, playful and proud big sister of yours...
I love to watch you and talk with you
You make the cutest little noises and you love me and daddy to mimick them ,
We take turns nibling each others lips and cooing, and then, when I hold you up high in the air, your eyes widen and brighten and joy spreads across your face in a gleeful grin
You remind me to love life
To savor every moment
To breath it all in slowly and deeply
You awake in me a love for life,
a joy and strength and humbleness I did not know before
I praise God for every inch of you,
I am humbled by your innocence, and how fragile you are.
And you are so sweet, and compliant...
When I least expect it, you fall asleep, or settle down, at just the right moment before I lose my mind... or sometimes, when I think I'm going to break apart, I'll come to you, and as soon as I do, when I see you there crying, and I pick you up and bring you close, and your screams subside, and then, the moment I feel your warmth and smell you, I just melt, honestly, I explode into such a rush of dreamy contentment.. I'm swooning... no matter where we are... it could be in the store, at the bank... in the car... I don't care... I get lost in the moment, and people can stare, and I just rock you and sing to you...
You've given me a new love for babies... I used to just think I couldn't wait for them to grow up... but you... you are my baby, and I am loving every minute of it

My Funny Girl...

Have you ever met a dog that likes to throw a ball to itself all over the yard? Well Adora is a lot like that. Except with her, instead of it really being this elaborate dance meant to entice you into playing with her or throwing her the ball, it's just her fun little game that she plays with herself. And don't you dare try to grab it, or she might scream or bite your head off... well, maybe that's only if your name is Sam, or you happen to be her height, or close, and she feels instinctively threatened by you... But even if you're not a fellow toddler, you still better not take too long to throw it back, and you sure as heck better not say, "all done with the ball-E, it's time to eat", or you're in for the fit of your life!

But if you just happen to be eating, and don't mind sharing what you eat, oh, then you are her best friend...
And if you're lucky, she'll come and bring you a book, and want to sit on your lap... but don't try reading the book to her... no no no... Books are for turning the pages, as fast as you can, and then throwing on the floor... and if you try to tell her that that's not what books are for, well, then she'll just start a book fast, untill she's pretty sure you've forgotten all about that silly rule, and start the whole trick all over again. And if you give her too much of your food, you know more than a bite or too, or once she gets the impression that you want her to eat it, she'll just start feeding it back to you and not really want any. But if you stop giving any to her she'll beg and beg for some, only to thrust her hand towards your mouth once she's got her fingers on it, cuz that's what the whole thing's all about don't you know... the sticking it in each others face...

She's terrified of the kleenex in your hand, but in hers it's the perfect thing to blow her nose in, or wipe the floor with or stick in her shirt... I think that started with me showing her there was a pocket on the front of one of her dresses... now all her shirts have become great storage bins.. till the thing falls right out and to the floor, bringing her right down with it into a puddle of tears...

She'll fling the fork right out of your hand, but it's the perfect thing to comb her hair wih if you're nice enough to hand it to her. Oh but it certainly isn't for eating... maybe she'll stick the food with it, but then it becomes a wonderful drumstick...

Cans are perfect for stacking in pillars in the middle of the kitchen floor

Shoes are for making neat lines, in an arc of course, all throughout the living room, sometimes even circles...

The table is really a chair, or a pedastool, or a box-stand.

The couches a jungle gym

The pantry a garden that she waters with her sippy cup that leaks

Pants go on her head... cause putting them on her feet is simply too much work

Mommy's legs are the chains to a swing, though a little big to clutch the same way, but if you rock your body just right, it feels just like a swing, she'll guarentee it...

If mommy's sitting down, well then her legs are a horsey, that must never tire

Daddy's dreads are the reigns of another horsey made up of his shoulders, and her legs will kick and kick to tell that horsey to "getty-on-up"

Cups are for balancing on your head... or attempting to till bitter frustration... again, my fault...

But she does have one thing right... binky's are for baby... and she'll point to it and say "baby", or somehow find it when you don't need it and come and hold it in your face "uh uh uh uh uh" more and more intensely, till you finally look, and then she'll say "baby", and want you to give it to the baby, and then she's happy as a clam and on her merry little way

well, I know I must be starving for my daughters affection when I let her kiss me with a snotty face.

I just didn't want to ruin the moment. She came to me so sweetly and outright lovey dovey I just couldn't bring myself to stop her short and wipe that shiny green ooze off that silly smiling face, as disgusting as it was, for fear I would get jipped on the big prize.

Looking back it grosses me out a little to think of it. Maybe I didn't really expect any would get on me, but even when it did I didn't turn her away. I actually waited for her to pull back, then, quick as I could, I wiped that slimy mess right off, with the only thing available...my hand... and before I could even get up to wash it off you know what she did? She kissed me again!... With lips!... And a smoochy sound! Oh heaven!... How I love her kisses!... Most of the time I'm practically torturing them out of her... and it almost doesn't feel worth it then.

It is perhaps the rarest thing in all the world to get a true, heart felt and deliberate kiss from my little punkin, it just about makes me cry every time... This is, in fact, maybe only the third or fourth time, since she first started doing it, that I remember getting a kiss from her when it was all her idea... At first she would kiss anyone we'd tell her to.... daddy and i would take turns telling her to give the other a kiss... but soon after, and a lot lately, I could be begging, with a pouty lip and tears and everything, and all I'll get is a big "NO!" or a drawn out "nooooo", or if I'm lucky a smack right on my nose!!! All the while a sick goofy grin is spread across her dazzlingly defiant little face

Well, I guess it can be said that all the neglect only makes the lavish attention, when it does come, all the more sweeter...

Home

Home is a strange word, full of meaning as well as mystery

I mean what is it really that makes a place feel like home...

I've lived a lot of places, and though some closer than others, none were ever completely on the mark...

Some say 'home is where your heart is'... and to this I might have said, at some point or another in my life, 'than mine is lost'...

Home has always been a fairy-tale idea to me... too good to be true... and rightly so I guess...

Some say, as a christian, 'the earth is not our home'.

I know this to be true. In certain ways. I mean we certainly can't stay here. The span of a life is only so long, and for most it is much shorter than what we hope for. But also in the fact that there is somewhere else altogether in which we do belong. Heaven is our true home, and this world will only disappoint us.

Many times in my life I have buckled under the weight of this, even before I could name it... I've felt the aching, the burning within me, the discontent and elusive satisfaction, the sense that all is not quite right, the feeling that there really is more to life than this, than meets the eye. The longing to belong, the homesickness even in familiar and worn in places, all bearing testimony to the fact that there is a higher reality, a truer existence, a place beyond the sea and stars, a life hereafter...

And I've reached a conclusion, after a million times of getting what I thought I wanted and finding once again, every time, that it too was not enough... and in knowing that I will always want more... There really is no sure satiation in this life, not within the boundaries of this world anyway, that is, except for when that which is Above and Beyond, He who is outside time and space, the Forever One, reaches in and draws us into Him... we who are not whole apart from He who hath made us... then and only then can we truly know home... Now we only have broken peices...

My mind races...

Even with this awareness, I still have moments of disillusionment so to speak... where I catch glimpses, or I seem to find something almost close enough

My husband said to me once, that even our very first kiss, to him felt like home... that I myself am home to him... that was my first glimpse

Last night I had another one of these moments. It was almost magical. Though it was long night and mostly spent in a car, the moment I stepped out of that car, and onto the street outside the door of the house in which I have been living and yet away from for some time now, the minute I stretched my limbs and breathed the air, rich with the blissful scents of warmth and beauty, of early summer sweetness... "jasmine" I sighed... and flowers with names I knew not... Oh in that moment I was in love... I wanted to swim in it... such peace and ecstacy. I felt relief... I felt home

It has been a long journey... in many ways... not just this last 2 weeks of unnexpected awayness... but my whole life I have felt like I will never quite belong anywhere... and though I know I do not quite belong here, I've never felt so happy to be somewhere... I've never felt so happy to call a place home

Maybe it was because we were gone for so much longer than we had planned, and all the unforseen delays, and the seemingly endless extentions made me miss our new house all the more. Maybe it was because I knew I'd be leaving soon again, and I just got caught in the sentiment. Or maybe it's that I now have a family. Familiars and familiarity. A group of people that I love to be with and are dear to me... for once I am starting to feel like I really could get used to being somewhere... if only all the rest of the people that I love so dearly could live here too... though the here might not be the important part...


It's funny though... cuz as I think about it I am remembering that even in the times that I have called a place home, it has always been the road that has called me with the most passion, the most desire, the most sense of where I need to be... and while I still long to travel and see the world, more and more I can't help but crave and need a space of solidity and comfort, but mostly community and kinship.

They say pregnancy can change a person... some refer to it as the nesting stage...

I can't say that I ever felt I really understood or even related to this untill last night...

And yet, last night I was also overcome by the realization, that although this is quite possibly the closest I have ever felt in all my life to the home I've always longed for and never felt sure I'd ever reach, the truth still is, I am not there yet...