I love My Husband...

My husband, more than anyone in the whole world, has the power to make me feel so special and loved and beautiful, that I almost cry...

Today I woke up with one of my rather common moods of self-pity, nobody loves me crap, and he might've known, cuz we talked a little about it last night, but wether or not he knew how I was feeling, he somehow knew just the thing to make everything all better...

"do you want me to make you breakfast?"

"sure" I reply... how could I refuse right?, Well besides all the reasoning of how I'm the only one who cooks how I like to eat, or him never knowing what I want... Well, for his credit, I will say, not one of his breakfasts has ever fallen anywhere short of perfect... I wasn't thinking of that though, I was too stuck in my world of feeling sorry for myself, and was busy writing all my feelings of desperation and self-loathing, and little did I know, he was whipping one up that would top them all....

Maybe it was because I was in such a sad mood... begging for a little pick me up... Maybe it was that I was really hungry.. Maybe it's that I really did marry the most wonderful man alive... I don't know... I just know I love him soooooo much... and am so lucky to have him...

Here's a little snippet of the despair that I was typing :

"i feel i am standing at the edge of a cliff... in front of me and below me, is the deep abyss that calls me, claims to own me... speaks the words that i know are lies but feel so real and true... so provable, concievable, undenyable....

behind me is laughter and sweetness... my daughters' and their undying love, one's precious giggle, that is surely the most beautiful sound in the world, and the other's cooing and gurgling smiles, again so beautiful as to make flowers as dung and the light of the sun dimmer than a candle's... they call to me.. they love me... and the caress of my husband, who is, beyond whatever words i can find that do not do justice to his love for me, by far the dearest and most genuine man... a little off the wall yes, but tender hearted and true, caring and selfless in his giving, and forever concerned primarily with the things of God and the good of his family...

they all seem to be telling me that i don't have to fall in, that even if i stood still, they would eventually be able to pull me back, but that even now i have the power to turn around... they tell me that depression and despair are merely a temptation to let faith falter, not proof in itself that faith is futile.... but i am leaning, ever so slightly. closer and closer still, towards the air that hangs around me and ahead of me and is almost pulling me... i am ready, it seems, at any second to let go and drop in to the continuous nothingness of self pity and loneliness below...

'you're not worth it'... the darkness below tells me... 'you only fail them again and again'..."

and as I'm writing this, he comes in, and hands me the most delicious smelling, and looking, food ever... and all that was washed away, with evey bite of perfectly seasoned cheesy eggs and spinach with tomatoes and perfectly toasted bread, I became more and more happy and in love, and less and less bitter and depressed. After I ate it, I thought I should've gotten a picture, it was so wonderful. Well, I missed that opportunity, but here's one of the fresh smoothie that acompanied it and made me feel like I'd been whisked away on to some carribean island somewhere


I feel like the luckiest girl on earth right now... in light of what I was previously writing, I feel that they have successfully deterred me once again, and he especially, has shown me that I am worth it... to him.