these days..

It can be hard to tell by a picture how big, or in this case small, something is, so I took this one to show the comparison.

She is soooo tiny!!!
I can't even imagine Adora was ever this small, and yet she was even smaller!

Strange what time does to our memories....
I'm glad for pictures in this regard, for at least I have proof that Adora was in fact a baby once...
But in my memory now, she will always be the big sister... She will always be remembered as bigger than our little Chloe...
And at the same time, she'll always be my baby, and my first baby... not better of course, just first...

(If I knew how, I might be able to upload a picture of Adora when she was this little, or if we ever find the chord to our printer we could scan one and upload it... But as it is, all my pictures before august 05 are on a website, that I can order prints from, but I'm not sure how to transfer from... Eddie says there's a way, so maybe he can figure it out... Anyway, in the meantime, if anyone wants some, let me know and I can email...)

Well...I am very happy to report that I am having a wonderful time with my little girls.. One cool thing for me is that the whole breastfeeding thing is going a whole lot smoother this time 'round, and we've been (or I guess I've been) totally pain free for a few days now!!! That is such a blessing I can't even hardly say!... With Adora it was over a month before it was even tolerable, which was one of the saddest things ever, cause I had so been looking forward to it... This time I was even a little scared of it since it was so rough... But thankfully it has been a very smooth process so far...

I think the only disappointing thing right now, is my poor girl, little Miss Thea Dora, is still sick, and it is quite a difficult thing really... She's so sensitive, and the last thing I want to do is make it hard for her to bond with her baby... She really is in love with her and wants to kiss her lots and lots and hug her and hold her... and what am I to do? Tell her no? That would break her little heart... The first thing she does in the morning after grammy gets her out of bed is to come find us and wish the baby a good morning with excited glee and adoration. She points, and says "beee" (baby )and then "uh uh uh" (up) with her arms out and hands opening and closing as if to grab, waiting for me to pull her into bed with us where she'll then lay down and pat her and kiss her... And she's so gentle... I'm actually surprised...We have never been able to fully teach her the difference between rough and gentle, it was always this hardy pat and quick pokes with other babies or friends doggies... Till Chloe... Adora just automatically got it.... Only once in her excitement did she come a little too quickly at her, and even then only startled her, never poked or hit her....

Anyway, as far as the sickness thing, it's been one thing after another and I just can't wait for it to be over...(JUST A WARNING-I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT POOP AND OTHER GROSS THINGS FOR A MINUTE) First she had the fever last Tuesday/Wednesday (valentine's day), and that lasted till Friday I think, and sometime around Wednesday or Thursday was the diarrhea, then after the fever broke came the terrible cough, then on Saturday, or Sunday, when I was still in the hospital, my mom noticed a terrible diaper rash, that has only continued to get worse, and when we had it checked out on Thursday they thought yeast was involved so they gave us nystatin to put on, then yesterday-Friday- she broke out in hives all over her back, butt, and legs, with crazy itching, and then today-Saturday- I took her in to the urgent care to get her checked out again, worried that the hives were a reaction to the nystatin, and not sure what to do. They gave benadryl, and I actually heard one say they've never seen a diaper rash so bad before... I mean it is really bad!... Well, they seem to think it is all from the cold or virus that is causing everything, the rash being mostly in reaction to the diarrhea, with maybe a little yeast, but not primarily a yeast rash, and even the hives they think is more from the virus then the cream, but they gave me a different one to be safe...

Anyway, she's such a good sport and has been a least acting herself lately,except when she pees or gets her diaper changed she goes into an hysteria it's so painful... But at least, most likely anyway, from what I hear, she's probably not contagious any more, but still, to be safe, they say limit her contact with the baby..... And I'm just so worried, because of everything she's going through already and then to tell her not to touch or hug or kiss the baby... But of course the last thing we want is for Chloe to get all this too... Especially her being so young... So....

I'm hoping my antibodies are enough for her, since both Eddie and I already got sick and over with it... But either way we'll just have to wait and see... Plus I don't want my mom to get sick on top of everything, then my dad and brother are coming too... It really could get pretty ugly or at least put a damper on everybody's visit...
(OK I THINK I'M DONE WITH THE GROSS STUFF)

Anyway, anyone with the heart to do so, please pray for us... It has been so trying and wearing to have all this extra worry and difficulty added on to what should simply be a joyous time, and luckily it still is really, I mean it can't help but be so, but still... It's certainly not easy.......

*******

On a lighter note... I'm glad that when I was pregnant, to encourage Adora and get her used to the idea, I taught her to push her baby (doll) in the swing, and now that's one of her favorite things is to do with Chloe ... "Push the baby in the swing" we say and she runs over to do it... And she laughs and squeals, and it is absolutely delightful to watch....




At least, thankfully there has been plenty of good times... Again, all I can say is I am so thankful... I've never felt more blessed in all my life...

Adjusting...

This is the major theme for all of us here in the ershbock household right now...

I'm adjusting to being a nursing mama again, as well as finding that it really is possible to be as totally and incredibly in love with yet another person, as I am with Adora....
And i'm adjusting to how different the two of them are...sooo different it baffles me really...

Both of their demeanors were somewhat predictable by how they were in the womb, so far anyway...Adora was allways a fireball. Even in the womb she would jump and twirl and kick with such excitement... And then when she was out she was just as lively... wanting constant attention and always alert and active and playful...

Chloe, on the other hand, seems to be more gentle and docile by nature. very calm, easily consoled and patient... While she was in my belly I could almost hear this shy little politeness everytime she moved, like "oh excuse me, i'm sorry, i just got to move, here, ok that's better, thanks, sorry to bother you...' but all so cute and cuddly and warm... touching..very tender...(of course all this must be said with the admittance that it is quite possibly more likely to be way too early to tell...though I choose to believe I have a very valid point...)

Eddie says Adora is his baby and this one is mine... He's mostly joking I think, but Chloe does look a lot more like I did... of course he was reffering to how Adora is both a daddy's girl, and a little bit of a tomboy, and Chloe seems more delicate...not that I am delicate at all really, i'm actually tomboyish myself, he just thinks i'd probably prefer a calmer baby, and that maybe Chloe will end up preferring me instead of him...

The girls are both adjusting as well... To each other on some level as well as the new world around them. Chloe to the one outside her mama's belly, full of noises and temperature changes, cheek teasers and painful encounters, ups and downs, times of bundling up and times of arms flailing, searching for solidity... And Adora to the one that includes this new little one that also gets loved on by all her favorite people... mostly mama, which is unbearable enough, but even grammy and her beloved dadda as well...

Poor Adora may have it the hardest I think. She was still sick, when I went into labor, in fact still is now, and I think the near 3 days without me was a little much for her... she does worship her daddy yes, but she's used to having me all day long every day so to not even see me for so long threw her off a bit to say the least. Especially since when once she did finally get to come and see me, there I am with this little baby in my arms and joy on my face, and she looks at me like "so this is what you've been up to huh?....how could you do this to me?" She probably felt abandoned, replaced, betrayed and tricked all at the same time...

The first few days were pretty rough. She would just say "no no no nooooo" feverishly, shaking her head and getting all worked up no matter what we offered her, but especially with me,every time she saw me and the baby, or even when I would reach for her to hold her or kiss her, she'd refuse me and cling to her daddy... She seemed so hurt and mad and confused.. It was so sad, and a little scarry. We all thought she would be so excited and instead she seemed like she might never forgive me...

By the 3rd day in the hospital though she was starting to cheer up a little and show interst in the baby, and now it's looking even better, either because she's feeling better (healthwise) in general, or she realizes, now that I'm home, that I haven't left her to go live in this big building far away with this other baby that I hold and hug and kiss and don't even miss her...or both... She's really seeming to rather like the idea of having a baby around now, in fact she'll look for her when she doesn't see her and she goes into the room to check on her, and leans in to kis her or hug her, and tells everybody about her, with an almost proud big sister air about her... So long as I'm not giving the baby more attention than her... She got all worried once when the baby was crying, and came to find me, and at first we thought 'oh how cute, she's telling mommy to go get the baby', till I discovered she only wanted to barracade me into the bathroom, knowing that I only wanted to leave to go comfort the baby... oh my did she throw a fit!!! when I got around her anyway...

And so I'm also adjusting to a whole new level of parenting... One that caters to two, without partiality, one that balances time in ways previously impossible, one that shows both babies the love and care that they need, with out a cause for jealousy... And I'm adjusting to a new pendulum swing of exshaustion, and overjoyed excitedess... one that is falling asleep nursing one baby one minute and tossing and tickling another baby the next...

Eddie too is adjusting to similar things in regards to parenting... heavier responsibilities, higher standards... more of everything,.. A family of 4 is very different, and bigger than a family of 3...He feels it in ways I cannot fully know, all with a love that he knew not was in him, and a weight he hopes to be worthy to bear. He feels honored... I think, and challenged as well. but excited, and hopeful...

My mother as well has many levels of new life to adjust to. a major part being the recollection of motherhood...She's the grammy still, but taking on a more demanding role, being primarry caretaker of her "3 girls", She does most of the cooking and cleaning, and running after Adora... this little creature, whose so willful, and insightful, and playful, and desiring to learn and to please... She follows grammy everywhere, and hides everywhere... Grammy's adjusting to the role of caretaker, with less control than she usually has, and less energy than she once had, in an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar town... while her big baby (my dad) is home and in need of her love and care and calling up to five times a day...(even he has a lot to get used to)

Our plan of late is to try and get grampy out here for a little while, seeing as we have no idea when we'll ever be able to even afford a trip to illinois, let a lone have the time or energy...

Anyway... My favorite is watching the babies take to each other... I was afraid it was going to take more time, but it looks as if adora is falling in love with her "baby". I tell her it's her baby, that i went and picked her out just for her... and she's accepting my part as the baby's mama as well as her mama... At least she can't talk to well yet, and say something like my brother did when they first brought me home..."you know i really just wanted puppies". No we get to watch her go from pure adoration and awe, to screaming like a lunatic if grammy even thinks of picking her up... She's either thinking, "my baby, you can't touch her" or else "no you're my grammy, nobody else's".... Either way, it's kind of cute, and at least she shows in many ways that she is happy, and welcomes our new little love

Welcome Home Baby

after being held hostage the third day, we were finally released and free to go home monday...

Recovery

I had a lot of time to reflect on things after the baby was born...

The first night, since my mom missed her flight, we had no one to watch Adora for the night or get up with her in the morning, so Eddie stayed home. This wasn't too bad really, a lot of visitors came before I went to sleep, and both the baby and I slept really well so I didn't notice any of my loneliness... Plus Eddie would've been so uncomfortable there... Not that I wasn't, but I will say, I actually kind of like hospital beds right after delivery, since I'm so sore and tired, and all I have to do is press a button to either sit up or lay down... And it's nice going to the bathroom and coming back to a clean bed and not even having to think about washing the sheets... Those things are nice I guess... and having this whole big room all to myself... and nurses with anything I want (well almost anything) at my beck and call....

But the food... totally disgusting. And yet what is worse is actually being excited when it comes because I am so incredibly hungry... Or when I even asked for seconds... that was just ridiculous....Seconds on hospital food!!! What was wrong with me?

Anyway, the second night I was alone too. Even though my mom was there, I think Eddie preferred to be with Adora... I can't say that I blame him really, being totally over the thrill of electric adjustable beds, by the time they moved me to a way smaller room that at any minute might have to be shared...(which thankfully never was, but just the possibility of it can set one on edge every time the door opens...Even without the extra company my space felt invaded just by the threat) anyway this is all to say I had lots of time alone...

I thought a bit about my labor, what I would've wanted done differently, wondering what I'm really capable of... If I could ever have an all natural birth or not, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself for having chosen a hospital birth.... In many ways it could be considered the ideal to most people, and I don't want to criticize, but in many ways I can't help but feel at least a little robbed... From their perspective, they would say they did everything that I asked for or wanted...In the tour, through all my questioning, the lady kept insisting that it was all about me, and my wants and needs come first... but i don't think they even realize the boundaries they cross... Ok- I don't want to sound ungrateful, and yes the truth is, I chose to birth my baby there... But what they don't tell you, is that they will try, in every way they can, to make your decisions for you.... And they decide based on "experience" and "training", they decide according to what the books tell them to decide, or by what the attending physician tell them to decide. They don't decide based on your preferences, or ideas, or wants, or anything like that... not even when it has nothing to do "safety" or "protocol"

for instance... once I agreed to the pitocin, they decide the rate and amount to be given, and when to increase, and to what level, they don't even tell me when they decide up it a notch or so... Or with the epidural, they decide what level to start it at, and then refer to each other on whether or not to increase it again, after I asked for it to be lessened. They don't even ask me. I had to insist in three different ways to leave it be, that I asked for it to be lowered, that I want to be able to feel the contractions, that I don't want it to increase, that I don't mind the little teeny bit of pain... And I'm actually amazed they gave up and let me have my way...

Anyway, I'm not bitter really... I just really wonder what it would've been like without all the intervention... All the nurses want to say "oh who cares, it's over now..." and while that is true, it only makes it more clear that their goal isn't really all about me like they say, after all... Because me... I really desire an all natural labor... but now I'm not even sure why.... Everything did turn out all right after all, I didn't end up with a c-section like Eddie feared... No forceps or vacuum... no leftover injuries as a result of their decisions... just one beautiful healthy baby girl, and me...and my thoughts... wondering... Would I have even survived without the drugs? What if I was on some island or in another time period, and the options just weren't there.... Oh why I mull over all this I really don't know, I just wonder... Maybe it's that it feel less mine, less my experience, and more another notch on their belt, I was a test dummy, a statistic... And yes of course, in the end all that really matters is that we are healthy and alive now.... I just wonder if I'm capable. I'm a little jealous, to be honest, of women with short labors, or that make it through without the drugs even longer than I did... I'm not sure why this is really, except that it remains one thing I haven't been able to do that others I know have... But what is the difference really in the end? The only change I can foresee would be in me... To be able to say I did it... Like some right of passage I've so far been kept from, and until then I feel like less of who I am supposed to be... Or at least want to be...

of course, having written it all down now,I do feel a little silly... Maybe the nurses are right... Who cares... No body else that goes to their hospital does, so why should I... and there goes yet another of MY decisions...

well, in light of all that, I give props to all women that choose and complete a drug free labor... All real complications aside, I in no way look down on taking necessary measures when mama's or baby's life is at risk... I just think it takes a real strength and endurance I have yet to find in myself...

Introducing: Miss Chloe' Anastasia

CONGRADULATIONS!!! IT'S A GIRL!!!


Born on February 18, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Weighing 7lbs 3.3 ounces
Measuring 19 1/2 inches long
To two very happy and blessed parents, Eddie and Renee
and one lucky and lovely big sister miss Theodora Lizzette

Wake Up And Have A Baby!!!

(the birth story...)


As I slept peacefully Friday night, that long awaited day grew nearer than I knew... God has shown me once again that I may make plans in my heart, but He alone directs my path... and who am I to say I know better than God?

Well I would've sworn I had it all figured out... I knew the doctor's were wrong when they said my due date was March 1st... but I was wrong to think I would deliver around the 25th... See I had it all planned in my mind.... with Adora I guessed the day exactly, and I was humble enough to think my prediction was just a guess, and I may be wrong this time, but I thought if anything the baby would be born later, not sooner...

So, as the plan went, my mom was to fly in the night of the 24th this coming friday, which would at most give her a day or 2 to get aquainted with our house and my routine. Me being the mama, I have specific ways that I do everything, that even Eddie has never had quite the knack to get to know... in fact I've never had anyone watch Adora for more than a couple hours at a time, and usually only when she's napping, and even then I have a huge list of do's and don'ts... Well thankfully my mom has been the lucky sitter more than anyone, and she's one of Adora's favorites, so I knew there would be little to no problems... only that she's only had Adora at her house and has never seen ours, so I just couldn't wait for her to come, and hoped she got enough time to get familiar with her surroundings before everything started happening and me and Eddie headed off to labor land...

Well as it happened, nobody had time for anything....

Sometime around 5am saturday morning, I woke up with my usual urge to pee in the middle of the night, and before I could get out of bed the 'pee"started to escape me.... "well this is odd" thought I.... and by the time I made it to the toilet, my pants were soaked.... now with Adora, my water never really broke...or at least no one noticed when it did, so I really had nothing to compare this too... I really thought I just couldn't hold my pee for some reason... Then, when I put on new pajamas, only to have them soaked again before I made it back to bed, I started to be concerned....

Eddie, overhearing my "what in the world?"'s asked what was happening, and me, standing in puddles in the dining room, right outside our bedroom replied, "well I really have no idea"... He then, in a panic, jumps out of bed and starts the questioning, to which my reply was all the same... no idea... "are you in labor?...are you allright?...did you just pee?... should we call the doctor?... can we wait till a better time?... can i go back to sleep?..."..... Well after some time of this and then looking stuff up on line, like can your water break without any contractions, (something I thought was impossible) and a few more puddles that missed the toilet, and me near freaking out... we opted for calling the labor and delivery room, who in turn told us we need to come in right away....

Now, as an explanation of my labor plans, I will say that I really wanted, on some level, another shot at an all natural birth.... but with little help in finding a MediCal funded midwife, and the lingering fear that short easy labors were not an option for me, (Adora being 44hours, and my grandma having 4 children all over 2 day labors) I had decided to go to the UC Davis Medical Center, feeling that at the very least I would get the most proffessional of care, and hopefully understanding support.

Our tour of the hospital left us with much to be desired, and next to no other opions, having at that time, what we thought was 4 weeks left... I just didn't want to worry about it, or spend any more time on the phone looking for other options, it had already taken me over a month to get in at UCDMC, and I was fine with settling. Eddie on the other hand thought for sure I'd end up with an insufficiently explained C-section, before we knew what hit us...

Well all that to say, saturday morning was a little...frustrating...both of us wondering what we had gotten ourselves into, and me just hoping Eddie could get over his mistrust and focus on helping me through it (which he did wonderfully by the way...)

Anyway, I suddenly realized, before leaving the house, how desperately unprepared I was...this was my week to "get ready"... my mom wasn't due in for another 6 days!!! I sincerely hoped we would go to the hospital and they would send us home with the official "false alarm" stamp, but I started to panic at the thought that I might actually be having a baby this weekend... So I called my mom...poor thing... at 8 in the morning her time, on a saterday.... After the 10th try she finally got up to answr the phone and see what all the fuss was about... "uh oh" she thought, seeing my numberon the caller ID.... "hello?" Half excited half scared...

me- "uh...mom....it may not be time, but you may want to try and see if you could come a little sooner...
"her- "why whats happening?"
"well I may have just forgotten how to hold my pee, or my water may have just broke"....

Ok- so long story short we made it into the hospital, after I frantically ate breakfast, packed a bag, and grabbed some baby clothes to wash, fed my husband, woke Adora, fed her, and piled us all in the car, by around 9:30 am...all the time eddie wondering if he could just take a nap, and what it is with me and middle of the night labors?... "Well" the doctor began " your water is definately broken.... are you feeling any contractions?" me replying..." so does this mean I can't go back home for a while?...."not today...."
.....well i felt some contractions, but very mild and very far apart... so I opted for pitocin, thinking I might as well speed this allong, we're gonna be here for a while... Eddie, goes and calls my mom who prepared to catch the next flight out... arriving 10:15 that night....

I started the pitocin around noon.... it was a hectic morning finding someone willing to watch Adora for who knows how long, and eddie bringing me snacks and such... I was starving, and they of course would not let me eat....I guessed I was probably better off since I threw up non stop with Adora...

By 3 my contractions were very intense and very close together...and by 4 or so I started to lose all hope when I was told I was only at 4 centimeters... this may have been seen as progress if they hadn't told me I was at 5 cm when I had first came in...
Anyway, I lost track of time, and at some point really felt I could not make it without the epidural... I am in no way as tough as I want to be, and the contractions, as far as I could tell were at least 4 times as strong as with Adora and doing just as little work... Eddie tried to encourage me, and on this side of things I can only wonder if I could have made it, if I would have only known I only had 3 or so hours left.... who knows... what I do know is I could no longer tell the contractions apart, it just seemed to keep increasing in pain and duration, and I could feel my body starting to lose ability to relax, and was working against the pain, rather than with it, I was tensing up more and more, and becoming more and more freaked out... I finally begged for the epidural, in squeaky, pathetic, little pleas between long loud deep moans and high pitched, blood curdling screams... One thing I'm sure of is every body else in the L&D ward was sure glad to have me shut up...

Of course, the epidural seemed to take FOREVER!!! and as I was trying my hardest to sit perfectly still as they place a needle in my back during the worst pain of my life, I can't help but wonder..."if i go paralized...is this really worth it?" I knew that was a very rare chance, and the thought of being like this for a whole 'nother day terrified me.... my only consolation was that at the very least this would allow my body to relax and maybe even speed the process up...

Sure enough less then 2 hours later, around 7, I hear that I'm fully dialated and can start pushing whenever I 'm ready! Yeah!!! ...Eddie and I were both very relieved, and excited to push... our only discouragement was also finding out that my mom missed her flight, thanks to traffic and snow, but at least was sure to catch the next flight in the morning, expected to arrive our time around 2pm.... well you can't have everything....

Again, long story short, I pushed for aproximately 30 minutes, and gave birth (vaginally!!!) to a beautiful, healthy baby girl, who was 7lbs, 3.3ounces, and very eager to nurse and greet the world!!!

And by 10 that night I was walking around and chatting with my lucky 5 visitors!!! thank you for coming Darci, Sandon, Chris, Sundy, and Devon!!!

Treasuring my "Beloved Gift"

(Our daughter's name is Theodora, which means "gift of God" in greek... For short we call her Adora, and in french that means beloved... To us she is definately both...)



So, one thing, probably the only thing, I like about Adora being sick, is the cuddling... She really isn't the cuddling type normally. She's way too active and curious to sit still and let you hold her, except for daddy, she almost always has the patiience for her daddy's arms... Anyway, when she's sick, all she wants is to be held... which could get pretty old for a mama who's almost 39 weeks pregnant, but it's so rare and special, and she's so cute and it's even a little sad when she's sick, that I can't help but give in... If I don't have the energy, I just lay down with her, which for the past 2 days, it's been most of the day that we do this, and I must admitt it's rather nice...

Especially since daddy has had a whole lot of extra grace lately, and has been doing most of the house work...

I just hope she gets better soon... she doesn't eat well at all when she doesn't feel good... all she wants is super juicy fruit, which can be good for keeping her hydrated I guess, but not so good for the lady who gets stuck changing her already unpleasant diapers... plus she needs to eat, but there's just no forcing her... And well, of course I just want her to be heallthy...I mean yesterday, she actually fell asleep standing up! the poor thing...
I guess that's another bonus is how well she sleeps.... but this is all making me appreciate her for who she is... I can't wait to have her super energetic wild little self back... and I especially can't wait to have this baby... Even if i'll be more busy, and have less time, I can only imagine I'll, at least eventually, have more energy... and Adora can be so fun, I feel bad for how easily frustrated I get with her...she's so go go go go go!, and I really want to enjoy this time with her...she won't be young forever, and one day might not even want me around so much...I feel like I've been missing out on something really great by being too tired... So I'm trying, even when I'm exhausted, to just take pleasure in every crazy moment with her...

post valentine's... post chaos...

(post as in after, not "im posting a "post"")




Well today was an interesting day... It started out in near disaster, with my marriage on the brink of destructiion, (this is me being melodramatic), and ended with my husband and I dancing!, while our very sick daughter made pathetic little smiles through the thumb in her mouth and behind her little elephant, "ellie". And in between all this we took turns caring for our little angel, who is quite the trooper I must say, having had a 103 temperature all day and, though whimpering a whole lot, still managed to smile and laugh in little intervals occasionally while mommy and or daddy did their very best to cheer her up. At least I can say that she brings us together, rather than tears us apart...that would be unbearable... We could be having a total communication breakdown, then, as quick as lightning, as soon as something, any little thing, is wrong with our baby, we're all of a sudden on the same team again, ready to defeat the world...



I will say, fortunately, that Valentine's day did happen to go rather well this year...not that I expected it not to, just we didn't even see each other till after 7 at night... We didn't do much special, and considering the fact(s) that we just barely made it to a resteraunt in time to order take out before they closed, made it home way past Adora's night night, and the pie that I made was an almost total failure, I'd say it was actually rather wonderful... Especially since we didn't fight even once in our whole 4 hours together!!! I'm sad to say this is a new record for us... but hey...what a triumph! I might as well be proud of it... This is not to say that all we do is fight, but I have been quite a terror lately. I'm super sensitive all the time and have way too many expectations for my poor saint of a husband, who tries so hard to please me, and realy does most of the time...just lately... I guess you can say it's been near impossible.

Anyway, I'm learning to appreciate every gesture of love...to cherish every little thing he does for me, just because it's uniquely him, and not because it's exactly what I want, or rather, not hate him for it not being anything near what I would've wanted if given the choice... No, I honestly must say I'd rather have a gift from him than just the gift... Sometimes he just likes to show me that he was thinking of me during his day...

For instance, the other day, he decided to come home early so I could go to a coffee shop and get some alone time, now this really is sweet, he even picked out a place that he insisted I go, (he went there to apply for a job and said he really thought it was a cafe i would like...), so I went and was silly enough to think he was actually gonna surprize me by being there waithing for me... and when he of course wasn't, I said to myself, well, he still is a sweetheart... And though I found myself the whole time wishing I was alone with him somewhere, I did manage to at least write a little and treasure the gift for what it was before hurrying home to be with him...

But sometimes he does things that are really romantic, just in a way I wouldn't have expected... Like for Christmas, I was so upset, because Christmas Eve is the day that my side of the family all gets together, and he decides he really needs to do some "last minute shopping", which I knew was at least partly for me, though he wouldn't admitt it, and I said, "please don't do this for me, I really would rather just have you here"... but boy would I have missed out!!... It turns out he had to hunt down the one and only shop in all the greater chicago area that had this one rare purfume, scent, whatever you want to call it, that I really can't explain all the sentimental value of, but it brought back so many memories of when we were first sort of falling for each other, and it really was the sweetest gift. Well, only slightly less sweet than his other big shocker, of going to this one cement block, in downtown chicago, where we were thinking of moving to at one point, and taking a picture of himself lying next to the spot where we had carved our initials into an equation of love, (you know E +R = love 4 ever) litterally the day before I finally said yes to his year 2 month long proposal!!! So yeah, come to think of it, the things that are just from him are so much more special, cuz no one else IN THE WORLD would, or even could have given it...

So that's why I really didn't mind so much when the reason we weren't together till past dinnertime on valentine's day was because he was working very hard on this special card he was making just for me... No, I will love it forever...it's the best card I ever got... Hopefully he won't mind me holding on to it for years, as he hates when I do it with so many other, ok all my cards... I 'd throw them all away to keep his... And as an extra bonus, he not only liked the song I wrote him... I actually got to write a song for him! This is quite an accomplishment seeing as I've been feeling like I have less than zero creative spark, not to mention I do have less than zero free time, all feeling aside!!!

Well back to today... by the end of it (now) everything really is starting to look soo much better.... I mean I can't even recount all the twists and turns our love/hate relationship has taken these past few months, and how it's been acted out so overdramatically by me, especially these past few days, as well as today, but I can say, that so long as our daughter recovers from her crazy cold/flu/fever thing well, things haven't felt so good in a long time... Ya, ok, we fought a little this morning, (it really was only a little, I need to work on my habbit of blowing things out of perportion, especially in the middle of our "discussions") which it's no surprize really that it's been so hard lately, I mean we did get pregnant, after all, when our first daughter was only 7 months old, who herself was born over a month before our first anniversary, and since neither were planned... (planning is no skill of either of ours), I'd say the fact that we're even still together at this point is a good sign in itself....

Not that I expect marriages to fail under such circumstances, it's just obviously extra stressful to 2, very intense, independant people, who were really only just begining to get to know each other, and then, between the hormones, and mood swings, and this sudden weight of responsibility for 2 people who really thought they were gonna travel the world together for the next few years... I mean really I can only thank God...because even though we in many ways still long for the opportunity, neither of us would trade our children for all the time in the world.... And besides, we are determined, even if it takes years to prepare, to travel, with our family, wherever God leads us...and if that is just in the land of not quite blissful domestic bliss in the heart of suburbia for now, well so be it...we have a beautiful family, and so much to be thankful for, and we're fighting for and with eachother, much more than against each other, and I know God is with us, and...wow I can't even believe the hope I have right now...Thank you Jesus! It really is a miricle... I mean just this morning I was ready to say it really won't ever work... the screen door making the limbs of the trees contort in funny angles, like my face as I rocked in my chair staring out the front door and trying my hardest not to appear on the verge of tears... while my husband once again went through the endless list of all my shortcomings with a pause between each one to emphasize how I'm making him crazy...

Again, I really can only thank God that somehow, in the midst of all that, light broke though the clouds and found it's way to both our hearts and melted the patches of frost that had been building for some time, and showed us, we really do, as the song I wrote implies, belong together... we were made for each other... and in fact are lucky to have found each other, we'd lost so much allong the way of our crazy lives as it was... anyway... God, as is pleasing to You, may we continue to grow, steadfast, rooted and built up together, grounded in love... may we have a fruitful marriage, and please please God, may our little girl recover quickly, and be healed...amen

a hope and prayer for breakthrough

I think I'm starting to understand the nature of my distress. I have always been rather inwardly focused, and I think that this can lead a person to either a sickly pride, or a bitter discontentment. I'ts like this Jennifer Knapp song..."my soul can't see, when i only think of me, my heart can't hear, when I only think of my own fears"... but also as the song goes on to say "they are gone in a moment... " when I look to the Lord, who is "forever the same"...
I'm contemplating a life of meditation. Maybe that sounds odd...but the thing is, it's hard enough, in the seeming busyness of my life, just to stop for a moment and let my thoughts and heart dwell on the things of God....the love and patience, the peace that He has for us. I am almost always consumed by just the next thing I need to do, while I'm doing whatever it was I was "reminding myself to do" the moment before... I really wonder how I can achieve an inner peace, not in my own strength of course, but in a way that permeates my life... The more I read God's word, the more I am overcome by promises that seem to have no bearing on my reality at all. They seem so distant...so unnattainable... to list a few..."rest for your soul", "rivers of living water" "life abundant" or in the original testement, "my soul shall be satisfied" "strength to the weary" "fly on wings like an eagle's" ....Anyway, it seems to me that all these promises really aren't unconditional. Rather it says, "those who wait on the Lord..." "come to me and I will give you..." and I think I just haven't thought really hard on what coming to and waiting on the Lord really means....for one, waiting implies it taking time, so right there it's not an instant guarentee, and I think maybe I've been treating it as if it were. Hence my contemplating a life of meditation... Meditating on the promises of God, rather than reading them and wondering why there seems to be such a great lack of their fulfillment in my life. I have to realize, at the very least, that coming to Jesus is not a simple one time deal...it is a constant surrendering, a consistent leaning on and looking to... and though I feel like I cry out often, I still am only looking at my needs, not at God's heart for me.
If God is love, than it could be said that God not only is patient, but is Patience, is Understanding, is Kindness... and so when I lack these, especially with my husband or my daughter, I am convinced it is because I am focusing my thoughts on the wrong things.... I am not surrending myself in a way that lets His love and light penetrate my weariness and frustration...
So this is where I am...at first admitting that I have been doing things all wrong, and it's no wonder things aren't really working for me. But even in admitting this, I still am so far way from change. I am also an extremely insecure person, and it may be this fact alone, far above any other, that causes, such heartache and turmoil in my marriage and the rest of my life. And while I want to say I may be coming to a point of breakthrough, I am also afraid that there is no hope. But it has been said, "With God all things are possible"...my one prayer at this moment is that this may be true...I mean for me, in this area, that I need to not give up, for victory shall come... that help is on the way...

The Truth Comes Out...

I am hereby admitting that I am not perfect, in case anybody was starting to think so (ha ha). No not me, not perfect. In fact most of the day I teeter between the options of either curling up in a ball and dying or screaming at the top of my lungs... Of course I don't do either one, knowing that neither will do any good, and by the end of the day I'm usually glad for it... but it really does take every last bit of me just to make it there...the end of the day that is... and all along I'm fighting with myself over the notions that I either really can or really can't make it.

By now I know that this may just be the last stages of pregnancy taking their toll on me...and that this too shall pass... but I also teeter between the sheer joy and anticipation of this coming baby, and the absolute dread and fear of the upcoming "beebee" as well. Don't get me wrong, I am indeed blessed and I feel it, to say the least, but I also worry about how I'm so stressed out now, and I wonder how will it be when the baby actually is outside of me...and hungry, or poopy, or lonely, or just cranky for some mysterious reason that no amount of cooing and cuddling seems capable of curing...and Adora is still her, although adorable, near unbearable self?

Maybe I only have a hard time with patience and calmness and nurturing right now because I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable ALL the time. Maybe she's really not all that unbearable... At this point I do have to say that there are at least 3 times out of everyday that I am totally overcome by her beauty and joy and just loveliness. She can be soooo incredibly sweet, like the other day, a week or so ago, I had just gotten off the phone with Ed, (daddy/husband), and I was upset, to put it mildly, given the nature of our super intense conversation...ok we can call it an arguement/fight/miscommunication (whatever)... Anyway I was crying and sobbing, rather loudly, and she had been playing with her toys rather contentedly for the past while, till all of a sudden she realized something was really wrong with mommy... And she didn't freak out, she didn't start crying herself and demand all the attention be put on her, which probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but she actually came over to me, and though I had my back turned, she put her hand on me and made these little curious, concerned noises, and some time went by and I started to be able to tell that she was getting more and more worried, so I finally turned around to see her face, which had honestly THE MOST compassionate look I have ever seen on another face in my whole life, and I just totally melted...right then and there... I picked her up and she laid on my chest, like she used to, for the first time in sooo long, and sort of sang sweetly to me till I no longer even felt like crying, and she fell asleep.

This was one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me, and at the same time it was a little...what's the word...scary(?) almost... I mean she is learning so much sooo fast..and I'd hate for her to grow up and look back, feeling like she's had to hold up her emotional wreck of a mother all her life...I'm so scared that rather than looking up to me she will be embittered towards me, and resent me for making her grow up too fast or something or robbing her of some hidden richness because I was too wrapped up in my frantic attempts at dealing with life on life's terms... I fear my habbit of self-absorbed-self-pity-loathesomeness (if that's even a word), will do all the things to her I so desperately wish to avoid...

I guess in the long run there's only so much we can do to form our children, they will inevidably become who they are, and may even blame their parents for all their bad traits, and/or refuse to credit them for any of the good. I may even have to wait, for years after she grows up, like my own mother, before I feel like I'm only starting to know my daughter, or at least relate to her in a real way, having a real relationship with her beyond the roles of parent and child...

Anyway, I'm sure, at least in part, this is all probably some totally irrational, pregnancy induced, hormonal imbalance swaying my emotions and decieving my perception of reality... But in truth, I just really want to give them (my children) something of eternal value, some bit of wisdom, peices of heaven that God has bestowed upon me... But in order to do this I have to first posess them on some level myself... And just in this one area alone I fear I fall incredibly short. Though I do believe He has enriched us with "every spiritual blessing" I feel like I am either missing, or neglecting something very important...or both....and this worries me. Maybe worry isn't the right word, at least I don't want it to be... there is far too little worry can do. I want to cry out, not just in some illogical despair, but to God, even if in desperation... I want to lift my prayers to His holy throne, in hopes that He will hear and meet this need... not just for our sake, but for the countless many, and yet mainly for God's own sake... That I may truly be a vessel of honor, a bearer of good news, a sower of rightousness, a bringer of peace... That when all is said and done, of my life may it be said, "The truth came out"... and not just as applies to my petty little world... but Thee Truth... Jesus... that I knew Him and made Him known... This is the main of all my hearts pleas... "to know Him and to make Him known"

God help me to be an example, an instructor of holiness and rightousness, help me to raise my children in Your ways, to shine as lights in this dark world,,, at the very least...help me rise above my helpless self, and into what You have created me for...
Amen

Today...

Today has shown me so much...Despite all the trials, and heartache I faced in this one turn of the earth, at the end of it now, I see I am truly blessed. I admit that I am at least a little scared... having children so close together is going to be very challenging, to say the least, but in this moment I feel so lucky...so overwhelmingly blessed, I can't even complain...and this is quite rare I must say. My daughter has at many times shown herself to be a very willful, independent, and even fiery young girl...and she's not even 2 yet!!! This has worried me and challenged me in so many ways, and yet today, not for the first time mind you, I saw in her, strength yes, maybe even a little wildness, but such a radiance and even jubilee....she's just so happy it really amazes me.... And yes, there are many things in her character that need fine tuning, but in a lot of ways I truly believe that this coming baby couldn't ask for a better big sister. I can tell that in her heart, she not only wants to please her mommy and daddy, but she treasures us as well. And though her 15 month old mind may not fully grasp it, I really believe she looks forward to the baby coming... She loves the "belly show", and even calls it "beebee" or "bee" in her cute little high pitched voice that is reserved only for babies, and really cute things... And just the fact that she loves to go to sleep, even for nap-times, alone is a huge bonus... Anyway, as I was laying her down for night night, and just looking at her and watching her fall asleep, I was thinking all these things... how wonderful she is, and sweet... and how even though I know I will be beyond exhausted in these coming months, I'm really looking forward to the baby myself, and the fact that we will all share "beebee" together... and I am thankful.

In Memory...

I found out the other day that a friend of mine back in Illinoishad just died that morning... News like this is always hard and I'm still processing.

The details were a little unclear, one person says he overdosed and another says he hung himself, and while I doubt the latter, neither are good...of course, when is death good? Even if there is the saying "a good way to die" that is rarely the case.
Anyway, I'm not quite sure how to feel yet. It's tragic to say the least, and in many ways extremely discouraging. He had been battling various addictions for years, the most recent being heroin, and I guess I always hoped he'd pull through, though that was never a very promising possibility.

I first met Jack back in high school in McHenry County. We were the type of friends that were mere acquaintances really, only hanging out or seeing each other, besides at school, at parties or mutual friends houses...McHenry, in a lot of ways, is the land of mutual friends...anyway...not much to note on really...I guess we were never really close, but he was good friends with my husband Ed for some time, and in recent years his story has only brought us heartache.

The funny thing is, Jack is partly, if not majorly, responsible for me and Ed meeting in the first place. Jack brought him over to my best friend Steffanie's house one day (for the purpose of introducing him to the 2 of us), and she in turn brought Ed over to my house another day...this is sort of how the mutual friend thing works...I'd known Jack for years by then but had never met Ed, of course Ed is younger than me, but that's besides the point...it seems odd only because we knew so many of the same people for so long before ever even seeing or hearing of each other, let alone actually meeting...Well, anyway, it's hard to tell this story without the story of me and Ed intertwining a bit... There's a lot to tell there really (on our story) but maybe some other time...for now I'll just say that in the 2 weeks of my first meeting Ed, and the four of us hanging out (Steffanie, Jack, Ed, and I) our eyes were never for each other (mine and Ed's) and drugs and lunacy played a major role in all our lives...

(ok I'll expound a little, only to add context to the rest of the story in how we related to Jack...) Years down the road both Ed and I had changed paths so to speak...to come together once again only under a whole new light. We had lost contact for some time, no big deal really, we hadn't hit it off that well the first time, he was touring with Phish and I was God only knows where, doing only God knows what...till one day we ran into each other again, him a born again Christian, and me a totally drugged out loser with no where in the world to turn but God...perfect really... Anyway I soon came to giving my life to Christ as well, (not solely from his influence mind you, in fact we hardly ever spoke to each other for a long time...) and we would often find ourselves back in the same small town of Illinois, hanging out with, sometimes, the same groups of people, (though he did have his friends and I had mine, we would on occasion go together to different friends houses) in part just to visit, but also in the hopes of relating some bit of God's truth to those we cared about...and Jack was one of those people.

It's sad though because over time, Jack's state only darkened...there was a time when he had sworn he would never do heroin, having too many family members ruined by it, and if you would have told him then that one day he would die of an overdose, neither he nor anyone that knew him would've believed you...but lately that had looked too inevitable to deny. And this is what is so hard...for me anyway, and I'm sure on some level my husband as well, though we all process differently...I have to ask, did we just give up? could we have helped really? could anything have made a difference? I mean we tried for a time, Ed did more than I ever could really, but it never seemed to do any good... and the past few times we've gone back we didn't even bother going to see him...and I say this with regret.

I'd like to believe that on some level, no matter how small, that something was communicated, somewhere in all those talks and pleadings that somehow at least a little bit of God's love and truth was translated in to his heart...that he could have known, even in some small way, that God was his only hope, that God was for him and not against him, that if he would just turn to God...well who knows really.... It's such a tricky and fine line between what we as Christians can actually affect, and what only God can do, or even what only an individual can decide for themselves, as I'm not quite sure where the balance lies exactly...I mean surely God never gives up on anyone? Right? Again, this is what is so hard...devience from this line can lead one to either complacency or over-zealousness, and yet I'm not sure that I'll ever really know where is right... I just know that any and all real and true answers come only from God, and only by complete surrender to God do we even begin to have a clue...


Well I don't want to make this a theological discussion really, this is just my way of processing. I have no option now, really, but to trust God and let go...but not in a way that gives up, but rather spurs me on...for though I believe he (Jack) is now, and always was, the only place where any of us are and yet can only hope to be, I have no way of knowing what it is or was like for him...See I don't believe in that overly sentimental nonsense of "everyone goes to heaven in the end", but I do believe we will all eventually and inevitably come face to face with God, the very God that created us, with a purpose and a plan, and this will either be the most heavenly or the most hellish experience, depending on so many things...I beieve we all are, right now, in the hands of God, and this realizaton is our awakening, and when we die, we're still there, only no more smoke and mirrors, everything is laid bare, we can no longer attempt hiding, nor claim God was hiding from us... And while I may face criticism from many, for my seemingly intrusive and judgmental ways, it is only the "judgment" of God that I not only fear, but hope to live up to as well... to note: I look at God's "judgment" as more of a sizing up , a measuring really, than what is often, and wrongly, labeled as the typical and tyrannical Christian view... See I have played on many, if not all, sides of the fence so to speak...I have had friends try to pull me into the light or "save me" and despised them for it, I have seen people holding up signs of repentance and condemnation, and judged them for their hypocrisy, rudeness or lack of decency. I have, at times in my life viewed Christians as intrusive, invasive, and even inhuman, and yet I have also felt the gentle, loving hands of God holding me when I was most weak, carrying me when I could not stand, guiding me when I had lost my way...and I have felt a similar love and care from some of God's own people, consoling, counseling and even correcting me at times, with a love and patience such as cannot be known outside the hands of God... And I have even had times where God's heart has touched me in such a way as to cause me to weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh, as well as grieve over a loved ones sins (or misuse of their precious gift of life), and cry out for a better way, to desperately try to show someone that there is indeed a better way....and while it may be more obvious in the lives of some, such as Jack in his heroin use, there is in fact a better way for all of us whether we know it or not...
And while Jack's death could be seen as no shock or surprise, it's heartbreaking nonetheless...he had so many talents that are now forever gone from this earth. He was a musician, an artist, and a treasured creation of God, and I don't know that he ever knew it...knew that all his talents were gifts, that all his heartaches were opportunities, that all his mistakes were only reminders, that all he ever could have wanted was right there in the hands of love, all he ever needed was to fall into those hands. God wanted him, loved him, made him and cherished him, and in no way delighted in his death, but rather had so much in store for him, and now weeps over the lost chances... Here's to you Jack...my one prayer is that your soul may now at last be at rest. Even if only for now...
Amen