I'm only allowed to love you while you're sleeping.

(a letter, of sorts, to my daughter, who somedays seems to not be very fond of me)

If I were some peas on a plate
And next to me was some carrots
And we were offered to you to eat
You
With every bit of sternness and seriousness
Would state
Very imfatically no doubt,
'I'm afraid I do not like peas'
Or more precisely
'NOOOOOOO!!!!!'
And insist upon their (my) removal at once


I have merely to walk into a room
And no sooner have I entered
Is my presence made known to be unwelcome.

One minute you are all giggles and laughter
The next you are screaming and tears
And all I had to do was offer to hold you

When you wake up you cry out for your grammy
And if I so dare to be the one to get you up
'No" I am told
And 'get out" I'm sure you'd say if you knew the words

No matter who you are with or how much fun you are having
It is greatly preffered to anything or anytime spent with me

But little do you know
That while you lay
Sound asleep in your bed of dreams so sweet
Ever so quietly, ever so soft
I come and I attempt the impossible

I pick you up
I hold you in my arms
And you, unknowingly I am sure, gently lay your head on my shoulder
You breath easily
You are content
And I my dear, am in highest heaven

I hold you and I rock you and I sing to you
I kiss your forehead
I stroke your face
I run my fingers through your hair
And I imagine you, in all your stillness and serenity
To be perfectly and happily as in love with me as I am with you
And you, just as I, say to yourself
There is no other place I know
That I would ever rather be

More of My Dad's Photography

My parents' house in the spring

filling in the gaps...

there is sooo much to say...

1. we came out here with a plan... to help my parents sort, sell, pack, and move their stuff and get their house ready to sell and them ready to move to california with us.
*several things must happen first, besides the sorting and packing;

a, my mom needs to put in her retirement notice
b, my dad needs to get his disability approved, (a very long process he's 8 months in to...)
c, the house needs to actually sell...

2. in the meantime... things got... a little... hard...
a,we left california in a little bit of a rush... lets just say no sane person would have done it the way we did, but, we really didn't have much choice...
b, because of this, we found ourselves in the deepest debt we known yet, and a million things undone.. things you just don't leave undone, like car registration, drivers liscence renewals, immunizations...(i know it's not much of a nessecity to some, and that's fine, but it is to me..)... anyway there are other things.. nevermind them though...
c, whatever little money we did have was gone, and we were begining to owe my parents,

and
so,
after 2 weeks of eddie looking for and not finding work, when a position at my moms work opened up, naturally, i took it...

in a lot of ways it is the perfect job for me, even if in ideal, it is farthest from... desperate times do call for desperate measures i'm afraid...

so-
what do i do exactly?

well... i guess it's office work..i am one of those weird people that actually likes office work... go figure...

i like working with numbers, and writing stuff down, and typing, (as long as i don't have to do it very fast or properly)... i can be very correct when need be, and am in fact a perfectionist most of the time... when i want to be.. (by the way, i purposefully don't capitolize my i's...-though i do occasionally do it absentmindedly- i think it's weird.. we don't capitolize she or he -unless talking about God,- and so if i capitolize God and He when refering to Him, why should i capitolize i? am i equal to God? not even hardly)... but that was a quite a tangent.. sorry...

back to my job.. for those who seem to want to know...

i'm sure it would easily be considered by many as the most tedious, repetitve, boring job in the world, not to mention it's for a big corporation, who makes and sells tools, and the section i work in sells tools to the government, and a lot of it is for the military and navy and army, and i think there are probably a million reasons why i should hate it, and i sort of do on some level.. but more i hate our society.. for making it so hard for families.. for forcing people into lower to middle class, and how lotts of these bad companies that should go out of business if we ever want to save this planet, happen to be the sole livelihood of countless many working class citexens, with children to feed and so on and so forth...

when i think about it in that light, i just have to say, well? what can i do really?

sit around and wait for money of food to fall from the sky.. or try, in whatever way i can, to keep all our heads above water...

anyway... all that to say, as odd as it is, and as regretfully as i say it, i do like my job.. it's something i can do, and am good at, and am helping people, sort of, (the group is in a bit of a stressful situaton right now, not something i'm gonna talk about, but what i do is go and sort out and correct all the problems in the computer entered orders, and though it may be a far stretch to make my life seem meaningful, i feel like it is good, for the health of those in this group, to know that at least this one more thing ids being taken care of, and tey're all freed up to try and fix some of the other many problems...


bla bla bla..

i might even start entering orders that people call in over the phone...

i'm kind of nervous about that.. i'm not good with social graces sometimes.. depends on the situation...

one of the women in a cubicle near me is sooo funny and good with the customers and the sales reps, who can be really pushy and are creating a lot of problem by talking the clerks in to doing things thet're really not supposed to do because of the contract made and again... bla bla bla bla bla...

i didn't talk about any of this cuz i figured it was way too boring, so, if it is that, i am sorry.. just people seemed to want to know, and i totally don't mind...

i wish i had more time to write though...

i've had a lot of really good stories going on in my brain.. but don't know how they'll sound once their out and on the screen...

anyway...

i'm gonna go downstairs and upload some pictures from my dads computer that he took of the kids on his computer,,, they'll be on their blog... there's a link to the right if you didn't know...

Monday...

Back to work...

I totally forgot what it was like. To have a seperation of 'weekdays' and 'weekends'...

To wake up on a Saturday and wonder what I'm gonna do with myself.

I say 'Wow, I have all day to do whatever I want'... and then all too quickly it's gone...

Then Monday I drag myself to work and about an hour into it, I wonder how much coffee I will have had to drink before I give up on the hope of actually waking up altogether...

But then, about an hour before I gotta clock out I'm just getting into the groove of it and I almost don't want to go home... almost...

It's pretty neat getting to make up my own hours, but the saddest part to me is that it is the sanest part of my day... sitting there at my desk. I know exactly what I need to do. Whatever questions I do have, actually have answers. Any time I'm stumped there's a sweet lady just 2 desks down, ready and willing to help me figure it out or show me what to do.

Too bad all of life isn't like that...

But hey... we're looking on the bright side here...

Adora was, for the first time in I don't know how long, really and trully happy to see me when I came home!!

Right away ahe wanted 'up-ee' and if I even thought of putting her down she'd say 'no no mama' or whimper and CLING to me! Oh Heaven!!! And not too long after I first picked her up, little LoLo chimed in, making it perfectly clear that she wanted in on the action, and was nothing but giggles the minute she was in my arms. And I must say, I can't think of a sweeter feeling than that; having both my girls in my arms, and neither one wanting anything more than to be right there... held by mama... EVEN when Grammy came downstairs!!!! They wanted ME!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I wished it would never end!!!

But alas, dirty diapers and empty bellies won the last round...

well... it sure was good while it lasted.

typically...

lately my days are far from typical actually... at least in comparison to what they have been for the last, oh, say, 2 years... if you count pregnancy days, i have been a 'stay at home mom' for that whole time, and can honestly now say, i never knew how much i loved it. nor my husband... he never knew how much he loved it (me being at home), as he is now the stay at home dad...

yes, i know i covered some of this already... but not in much detail... aparently that's one of my common traits as a blogger, some things get briefly mentioned with little to no detail, and some things are way too over analysed...
not sure why that is... oh well...

anyways... i don't want to head down too far of a rabbit trail here... i just... well...

i want to adress something that has been a sort of theme in my life.. something that has unfortunately become commonplace...

yesterday was another one of those days...
and when i say 'those days', i mean something rather specific... (there's a link to the post that i wrote about the other time a similar thing happened- if you notice "those days" is a different color...

ok... so ... those days, refers to the kind of day where i am more than a little stressed out, and i kind of lose it...ok i mean REALLY lose it...and i mean BIG...and not just stress really, but all my crazy irrational fears of non-worth and unimportance come crashing in on me and totally overtake me to the point where i am seriously considering ending it all to spare eveyone around me all the potential hurt and chaos i will inevidably cause them if i am allowed to live even one more minute...

some one reading may be a little worried right now...

well... i might as well come out with it...
i've hinted at it enough....
i am not stable...
and i do have thoughts of 'randomly disappearing'... but not TOO often i guess- unless you consider even once too often..
well... luckily i have a husband who will not allow such a selfish act to be committed.... and trully this is one of the major factors preventing such... and...
the link....
the connection....
with the other story...
my lovely firstborn daughter...
who has, once again, proven her love for me, and dragged me (by my hair if she were strong enough) back in to the light and air the rest of the world thrives on, and out of my messy wet muddy dark lonely pit of dispair...

details...
do we really need to go into them?
well... what have i to lose?... even if my fears are true.. i think i can accept them now...

(it doesn't bother me to share really... though some may find my blog entirely too personal altogether, i'm not worried about that... if you don't care don't read. if you think i write all this for sympathy, again-don't read. i honestly have no goal here in writing other than my own need to express and create and move on...sometimes i want to entertain, sometimes i want to announce, ssometimes i want to share vision or ideas, and sometimes i am just processing...)

so... that having been said

THIS TIME, what brought it all on, was not the usual fight with my husband where nothing i say comes out right and his feelings are unitentionally hurt and communication bridges are totally collapsed and we're shouting at each other as if across a huge raging river which is really just our stubborn and confused souls unable to see or hear reality....
no- this time it was the crazy idea that, now, even the little LoLo girl is over me... can do just fine with out me... in fact is happier... when i'm not around...
see...
i started working...
only 5 hrs a day- and at just the right time so that i would leave right after i nursed her (around 11::30-noonish) and around 1-2pm she would take a nap till 4:30-5ish, and i would get home around 6:30-7....we figured this was perfect timing.. giving daddy plenty of "free time" in the day to get stuff done around the house(another situation i never went in to too much detail-nevermind that right now though), and both girls would sleep a lot of that time and LoLo wouldn't miss too much nursing time...

i decided to pump as well... (for emergencies... when the rice cereal wasn't cutting it for her...)which brought let down #1: i can never fill up all the way even a 4 ounce bottle... this is embarrassing.. i'm lucky to even get 2 ounces out...

well... daddy... the inovater that he is... when LoLo would get really fussy (which,sadly, has become more and more prevailant)... decided to give her a FULL 8 ounces of formula (that we just happened to get from a friend of my dads that got it at the food pantry in town and thougt of us????)...

well... i was sad at first.. when he first told me... as i really don't like formula... at least not when she's so young and i wasn't planning on weaning her anytime soon, so to me it's not necessary... and especially it not being the organic kind... But what is there to do? poor daddy being stuck at home with a crying baby, only a little pumped milk, and no flowing boobies of his own?
anyway... 2 days after he started this habbit, she started getting fussy while i would nurse her, when i came home or in the mornings... It seemed to me like she was very unhappy with my "milkies"... I started to get even sadder... and then yesterday was falling apart... shattering...

hubby even confirmed my fears by saying i must not have a strong enough flow, she's probably used to the bottle now, and wants that full feeling...

well, as if that wasn't hard enough to swallow (or in my case try desperately to deny) than he has the nerve of going ahead and making her a bottle, and despite my protests to him giving it to her in front of me, he does, and sure enough she LOVES it and is in no way shape or form fussy even in the slightest bit and is slurping and sucking and gulping away, and i turn in to a complete and total wack-job psycho, throwing the huggest fit of tears and rage and utter despair i have possibly yet seen come out of me...(ATTN ALL READERS: when i say rage keep in mind that i would NEVER and have never even come close to hurting either of my children HONEST i was mad at me, at God, at the fate of the world to bring such a reality to pass... that 'i am not good enough'

now... at this point there is much i want to say....
i don't know that i can expect all of whoever is reading to understand... and i do have to beg, that if you are not completely 100% empathetic PLEASSE PLEASE PLEASE refrain from commenting...)
if you do totally empathise, ignore this next part if you feel i am preaching to the choir so to say.. i just have to get this out...

there is something so emotionally involving with being a mother... and i'm sure it affects us all differently, as we are all just that,, different...to me, it was rejection... once again (i have abandonment issues aparently)... and yet this time by the one who i figured had at least a year to go on the rejection phase before she even got the thought that i am not the only most wonderful thing in the world...
but here i am with an almost 6 month old baby girl who does not want to nurse...
"what is wrong with me?" i find myself wondering
am i not even a comfort?
am i just not a comforting person?
am i not a good mother?
do i push them away?
what is it about me that they do not like?
adora i could excuse, i mean she is a toddler after all, discovering her 'free will' and independance, but chloe? still a baby?

and worse yet all the countless stories i've read and i deas put in to my head about how babies always love their mommies' milk the best... how it's the most wonderful thing in the world to them... and that mommies themselves are #1 (independant phases aside)
well.. not with my kiddo's...
at least not anymore...
AND THEN...
after the climaxical time of screaming and crying and all that jazz.. when i was just laying in my bed and sobbing... after daddy had given up his attempts of consolation, and was leaving the room, and calling adora out with him... he apparently did leave... but she didn't...
she went.. shut the door... came back to the bed... saying "mama" in her sweet loving, slightly concerned little assuring voice, climbed up on the bed and proceeded to hug and kiss me and in her own little way tell me 'it's allright" "don't cry mama, i love you"
and just as i start to cheer up.. all she can talk about is 'doey' (chloe') and it seemed to me that she would say 'it's not fair of me to feel shut out by her, she's just a hungry girl and eats a lot, and needs to eat a lot and it's ok, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or doesn't still need you. she does need you'... ok actually this is all stuff that daddy was saying but i couldn't hear it till then...

and she kept grabbing my finger and pulling and pointing to the door and saying "where doey?... ah ah doey...and doey"
and me- 'ok ok i get it...let's go get Chloe'...

after which i had a long talk with hubby, and it began to become clear to me that i have a habbit... of seeing things through a certain light and letting them convince of a few really bad things...

this happens because i have an idea of love. what it should look like, and sound like and how it should feel and be portrayed... and then there's reality.. which being very different leaves me with the option that it is not love... but i have to learn to see that it is not the only option.

there is love...lotts of it...all around me...

and if i stop focusing on seeming the lack of evidence long enough (it really doesn't take too long) i notice a rather rich supply of it... though it may look and sound and feel a lot different than what i thought it should.. it is in no way less genuine.... and so i am once again learning the hard lesson of loving the life i have... not wishing for a new one, a different one... a better one...
at some point i have to say that this is good enough, and in fact come to see that it is indeed wonderful...

this is hard, and yet very necessary.. this is my lot in life... this is, i am convinced, the BIG LESSON God's been trying to teach me... the lesson i have been crying out for... when i find myself asking God 'so what is it? why all the trials?, why is nothing getting better only worse? why is it so hard for me? what am i doing wrong? what are you trying to show me?'... here it is...

but it runs so much deeper than all this... in to everything... my discontentment is consuming me... i can see it now... in all my complaining and bitterness and how i'm annoyed all the time... how i'm always discouraged or dissappointed in my husband, who is a very loving person, and does show me, all the time..i just take his actions to mean different things...

like tickling me and teasing me... he's not trying to annoy me-ok maybe he is a little- but maybe it is like he says-he just wants to play with me-we used to play all the time- when i got so serious i'm not sure.
-maybe it is that i play all day long (or used to) with kids, and when he comes around i expect to have sane 'adult' time... conversations... not frensied wrestling matches....
and now... guess what happens... i am at work a lot of the day, getting an over abundant fill of 'adult time' and i come home and want to play and he wants to read, or listen to a teaching tape or something of the like... well go figure...

ok.. i'm rambling here, and covering too many bases i guess so i will say what i intend to say...

i am in a new theme.. a new phase...
of redefining life... what it means to be a mother... a wife... a woman... a human being in desperate longing for Light and Goodness... the presence of God... Beauty.. Truth... Joy... Peace... the list goes on...

and "Finally brethren, whatever thingsare true, whatever things are noble, whatevr things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, if there be anything worthy of praise, let us focus on these things.... and the God of peace shall be with you" Philippians 4:8-...9

my husband thinks this is hilarious...

so... (set the scene...)
we were watching one of our favorite shows - curb your enthusiasm, (the website for it is fairly dull, otherwise i'd link you there, but i'm sure if you're curious enough you can look it up on google -if you haven't already seen or heard of it that is), and we were each laying on seperate couches...

attemptive blueprint didn't work, so i drew a picture...



anyhooo....

we're all perfectly content, me eating a bowl of cereal, ed finally made it to the couch and the dog curled up on the floor next to me...
the show practically just started, and we were just getting in to the plot, and lo an behold, some-thing came to join the crowd... a spider.. on my couch... it came crawling just up over the back and stopped almost as if in recognition that i saw it, it just stood still... if i didn't know any better i'd say we made 'eye contact'

at this point i should mention that i REALLY!!!!! DON'T!!!!! LIKE!!!!! SPIDERS!!!!

but since it stopped, i figured i could slowly ease off the couch and either kill it or get Ed to catch it and put it outside-(he hates killing spiders), ... but just as i'm easing my way in to a slow and cautious creep off the couch ...

the thing straight bum rushes me!!! i mean it really bolted, maybe the fastest i had ever seen a spider move.... but posssibly no faster than i flew off the couch in a terrified leap, landing right on poor buddy (the dog) who let's out a very loud yelp and as i catch my balance from off of him my hand lands straight in my cereal bowl (that i had managed to just set down when i was still in slow motion) at just the right angle to flip it clear upside down! and all over the coffee table!!!

before my nerves get a chance to calm down hubby starts yelling at me saying i broke the dog's leg, and i got a little scared, as he was holding it straight out and shaking a little bit... i tried coaxing him and calming him, and got him to lay down and eventually felt brave enough to feel his leg, which after good inspection seemed to be fine, and i even got him to walk on it..

and then

once the shock of everything was wearing off,

my beloved husband starts cracking up, i mean REALLY LAUGHING!!! the hardest i have ever seen him laugh.. it even got to that silent laugh where he couldn't breath and his face was all red and i couldn't tell if he was having a seizure or dying of an agggressive laugh attack...

when he could make any noise or talk it was only to replay the whole scene that had him in an hysteria... it would come out in these broken bits in a strained squeaky voice... 'and then... the spider..... stopped.... and i could.... feel you.... getting scareder.....and then...pkheeewwwww PLOP yeeeelp' (his sound effects of me bouncing off the couch - onto the dog - the dogs pain- and on and on he would go...

'this itty bitty thing....' and he would hold up his his fingers in the 'little' symbol, pointer and thumb spaced barely apart...

'had the power to move this massive...' yes he actually reffered to me as massive... thanks honey....

he could not stop laughing... for almost an hour....

it was rediculous...

humiliating....

he wouldn't stop....

i thought it would go on all night....

anyway... i guess you had to be there...

earlier today

right now i am questioning EVERYTHING.

i have ridden the roller-coaster of my emotions for, well- i guess my whole life- i don't want to go in to too much detail about that right now, but let's just say i have never been what people would call an 'easy going person' sure- i have lotts of fun at times... but i --- how do i say this-- i throw fits... bigg ones... often...

i do not cope well with stress...

i never have...

right now i am sittingg outside, because my husband kicked me out of the house, because the baby was SCREAMING!!!!!! and every ssuggestion i made was making him very upset...

see he is now the sahd... you know 'stay at home dad', and i am supposed to be on my way to work, but i CAN'T FIND MY KEYS!!! , and just about everything usually falls apart on me, and i just about always BLOW UP, and my poor hubby can only calm me down and talk sense in to me for so long before he goes balistic, and i can only handle so much 'creative criticism' before i totally fall apart... SO...

i want to say that the best part about working is coming home to a family over-joyed to see me, but that is rarely if ever the case... and if any of you moms out there wish just for once that your kid wouldn't throw a fit every time you left for work, ask yourself this-
'would it really be better if they didn't even notice? if they couldn't care less? if the minute i got home was no different than the minute before, and they are just as content with or without me?'

now, everybody tells me it'ss just a phase, and i swear i thought i was getting over it, and i even got excited about starting to work, thinking that the break from me would ggive my ddaughter the insentive to pine over me again... but no... that is something she reserves only for her grammy... and though i am extremely jealous, to put it mildly, i can't say that i blame her... i was the same way with her when i was a girl... she really must be that great...

and now i gotta go cuz said grammy is here, who had to leave her job to come get me and bring me to mine...

luckily said daughter is out with daddy....

photo credit goes to my dad

harsh realities, questions, and desperate for clarity

well, if you read my last post, i have a few points to expound on...

1st. HARSH REALITIES

(I mentioned that I have been facing some lately but never fully stated what they were...)

1. MY PROBLEMS CONSUME ME. make my life unbearable. make it hard to breath. leave me feeling slightly fanatical at times. make me angry. bring doubt and fear and a sense of hopelessness...
2. MY PROBLEMS ARE BIG PROBLEMS. (or at least can seem so) finances. poverty. survival. sanity (or lack there of). miscomunication. misunderstandings. distrust. deppression.
2.b. and yet, compared to most of the worlds problems- starvation. depravation. oppression. war. disease. death. manipulation. exploitation. injustice. cruelty. enslavery. severe poverty.
3. MY PROBLEMS ARE SMALL PROBLEMS. tedious. mundane. easily solved. self centered. introspective. narrow minded
and yet, they consume me. they're all i think about.
4. I AM A WIMP. a coward. a pushover. passive. unmotivated. lost.
5. I FEEL HELPLESS TO AID THE GREATER NEED THAT IS ALL AROUND ME.
6. THE WORLD IS EITHER ENDING OR BECOMING A VERY UNPLEASANT PLACE TO BE... AND SOON...
7. I FEAR FOR MY CHILDREN'S FUTURE...
8. I LACK TRUE AND WORTHY VISION AND PURPOSE IN MY LIFE... I'm sick of just FEELING disgusted by the state of the world, and yet unable or unguided to DO anything about it... i don't want fame (i don't think) idon't want glory, i just want to see change... and for the better, i want to make a difference. i want to stand up for truth and justice. i want to have a voice, and give people a voice. i want to overcome... not just my demons, but the world's...

these are the things that make me question and doubt GOD...

2nd THE QUESTIONS

1. Where are You?
2. What am I supposed to be doing?
3. Is there anything I can do?
4. Is this all just a fulfillment of prophecy?
5. If so, what does that mean?
6. Are we really just supposed to sit and watch it all fall apart?
7. If not, why don't more christians care? Why don't I care more?
8. I mean really care (enough to do something)? About the important things?
9. Are these important things?
10. Am I useful at all on this earth?
11. Do I have a purpose?
12. Besides the everyday humdrum stuff that is making me CRAZY!!!
13. Where is the vision, the calling, the truth, the action, the CHANGE?
14. Is change the answer?
15. Does this earth matter to God anymore?
or
16. Are we, as christians, just supposed to contentedly wait around for the next one?
17. Do we have a responsibility we are overlooking?
18. Am I overlooking something?
19. Have I let the cares of the world choke me?
20. What are 'the cares of the world'?
21. Is it the concern for souls, the dread of the coming destruction, the notion to 'save the planet', the hurt over our abuse to this creation, the tears I shed over the loss of Your miricles that are slowly headed for extinction?
or
22. Is it the worrying about my next paycheck, watching too much t.v., wanting to spend money, where nice clothes-not caring where they came from, driving a gas guzzler, laughing at the problems, saying 'oh well, it's not my job to fix it'?
23. When and where is the relief?
they (the questions) go on and on and on and on and on and on and i think you get it...

3rd DESPARATE FOR CLARITY

I am overwhelmed by the sense of meaninglessness of my day to day concerns, and yet that is all that goes on in my head...
how are gonna pay rent this month
what about our phone bill
what about all the people we owe money
why is it so hot
i can't do anything when it's so hot
i'm so tired, i need to get more sleep
i need to learn how to schedule myself better
i need to eat better...
i need to excersize more
i need to lose weight...
i need to stop cussing
i need to be a better wife and mother...

and while all these are important things, and worthy goals, i get to feeling trapped in mediocrosy... in halfbaked... insignificance...

don't get me wrong, i think motherhood is possibly one of the highest callings... marriage, family, all of it... fatherhood too... but is that it?

I mean I have to TEACH my children things... SOMETHING... (no matter how I live my life they will learn something fromme, from my example... I affect them, even if just form an opinion of me in them...)
I have to raise them, with (some kind of) values and morals, and ideas, and a worldview...
I shape them in a sense...
And I ask myself...
What am I shaping them into?
Who are they becoming

And what kind of place is the world becoming? And I don't mean the world as in 'the world' you know, the title given to the lump sum of all bad and evil... the tem christians generally use as 'babylon'.. I am talking about this earth.. the environment.. this country, our goverment, society... and not just in the devil's playground sense.. I mean, it is that, too.. but I look at the current shape it is taking and I am appaulled...

Sin; Ethics and Morals, they've always seaped into every aspect of life... at least in the Judaic sense... Even all of Jesus' parables were speaking directly to people's everyday life circumstances... So why be surprized now?

Because then your neighbor was only anyone you can see... Now we have the potential to affect the whole globe in our every day decisions.

We've all heard about sweat shops, land fills, the bad effects of coalburing and/or over-use of energy, the pollution we're causing, the extinction of animals, the harm of fossil fuels...

But do we stop buying the products.. driving the cars... eating the foods?

I am overwhelmed because I fear that even if i do start really caring, and doing the things i know will make a difference; plant a vegetable garden, invest in solar or other alternative energies, ride a bike, switch to deisel/veggie oil, stop buying products that add to non recycleable waste, reduce, reuse (more than recycle), buy in bulk, hang dry my clothes.. i could keep going,
i fear that i am just one person, among millions of americans that are far too comfortable to change...

not to mention that i can't even afford to make most of the switches.. and don't see how i will ever be able to...

anyway.. i've gone on and on as it is, and i'm not sure that i have much of a point, and feel like i'm writing to a brick wall... so... i guess i'll get going to bed...

these are big thoughts...and that is usually why i drop them after a while of carrying them.. they are very heavy...

i wait for that hoped for vision.. the longed for flame to ignite... with a plan...

till then, i will keep trying to do every little bit i can... bit by bit, and day by day, i will get up each morning and ask God 'how can i best serve You today my Lord?' and that, i guess, is about all i can do... till God gives me more... shows me more... till more people join us... in our search for sustainable community... peace....

i had a title for this post, then later thought it was stupid, so, i guess this is it...

I've been having to face some deep and harsh realities as of late. Well, I guess I have my whole life, (but) here I am, 26 years old, with 2 kids, married, broke, living with my parents, and possibly more unhappy than I have ever been.

That is not to discredit the very real and welcome joy my children do give me on a daily basis, but sometimes it seems that it just isn't enough. Of course it may be all that is getting me through. But that's just it, I am 'just getting by'. I am not thriving. I am not bursting at the seams. I don't even feel fruitful, though I've certainly proved myself capable of multiplying. (ha ha)

I have often found myself asking, 'where are those rivers of living water you promised, Jesus?' 'what is life and life abundant and why do I not seem to have it?' and 'why do I feel so hopeless and alone?'.

And I have noticed how quick people are to praise God when things are going well for them or when God has recently come through for them in tough times... how easy it is to say 'God is good', or 'God is faithful' in those circumstances- which is funny to me because God seems to be giving people a warning, the isrealites when they were about to enter the promised land, that they should be careful not to forget God, when their cup runs over, and they have all they need, 'be careful not to forget the Lord your God' who gave them all these things...who delivered them from egypt... who sustains their life, gives them breath and all that jazz...

I find no such warning in our times of trouble... though that's probably there too, which is another reason I think it's important to not build whole theologies out of a few secluded verses, but anyway... what i'm trying to say is, isreal seemed to only cry out to God when things were rough... i find myself thinking God must not be real, or God has left me, or God just doesn't care about my stupid, meaningless little issues... i know, i know. this is very selfish of me, but that is just how i am...i think things like, 'oh will you look at that! God in His great Mercy or whatever has chosen to bless yet another undeserving soul... and what about me? am i not lost enough? am i not hopeless enough of a cause for God to waste His precious time on? how bad does it have to get?

and yet, so far in my life, no matter how deep i have gone, or for how long, God has been faithful to remind me of His love on various occasions of my doubt... but unfortunately that never seems to be enough to stop them from coming back again...

and that is me now...

i have enough reason to believe that God is good despite my circumstances, and that is what i am choosing to set my heart to stand on...

my husband once said that God brings healing and relief to suffering, not for the end goal of us just feeling better or having this wonderful easy life, but to give us a little break, a breather, and to learn to trust Him, to know that He is trustworthy, in order to get us ready for the next challenge or hardship cause we're gonna need it.. to trust Him then, when it gets even harder or worse',

and this really rang something true in me... because that is what is guarenteed in this world... hardship... certainly not ease, unless maybe you are willing to sell your soul to get it... but even then... (here i am talking about the extremely wealthy, who most likely only got there by committing some great injustice somewhere else in the world...)

anyway... i am having a hard time right now... believing, and trusting, and being hopeful... but i am trying to let the ache and general wrongness i feel i suffer -due to the prevailent disregard of morality, welfare and concern for 'the people' that is so widely spread over our culture and current civilization,- work as proof that there is in fact a God, with standards, a true right and wrong that we all must answer to. and that God is primarily motivated by Love i believe...

or else how should i have ever come to understand even the idea of justice or injustice, right or wrong, morality or immorality....

yes there are other proofs in my perspective, but this has always been one of the bigger more frequently appearing themes...

anyhoo.. we have been watching the news a lot lately, which if you haven't i strongly suggest you do, as we are quite realisticly on the verge of world war 3, no joke, and not just that but there have been crazy hardcore storms lately, with floods in over 3 states, and power outages due to the heat and over-use of electricity, not to mention the heat! which is at record highs...and if you really want to be scarred go and watch the movie 'an inconvenievt truth' - still in theatres, or you can rent 'the corporation' (this one you must clich on the aditional link 'theatrical trailer to see the trailer, the first goes automatically, and the second shows a list of theatres to watch the first)we just watched that... and you too might feel like i do right now... that 1. your problems are in a sense, really small and stupid when held next to the major problems of the world,.. but also, if you're anything like me, you might see that 2. the problems of the world seem to be a lot of the cause of my problems...

but well... it's times like these that i have to tell myself 'remember the Lord your God' even if he doesn't come and rescue me right away and make all my petty issues dissappear, i can at least say that, if only all people at all times followed Him, i wouldn't have to be sitting here, saying, 'God our world is so screwed up and lost, how are we ever gonna survive?'

ah, but then i am reminded... survival is not the goal...

and once again like that song... 'in the land that is plentiful... (and) when the road is marked with suffering' i am forced to my knees, saying 'blessed be the name of the Lord'

and in awe and in desperation, and in pleading for God to show me the way in which i must go... for He alone is good, no matter the state of the world around me or the life i am so wrapped up in.. He is Good'

and i will choose to praise Him even when litterally everything is falling apart around me...