i had a title for this post, then later thought it was stupid, so, i guess this is it...
I've been having to face some deep and harsh realities as of late. Well, I guess I have my whole life, (but) here I am, 26 years old, with 2 kids, married, broke, living with my parents, and possibly more unhappy than I have ever been.
That is not to discredit the very real and welcome joy my children do give me on a daily basis, but sometimes it seems that it just isn't enough. Of course it may be all that is getting me through. But that's just it, I am 'just getting by'. I am not thriving. I am not bursting at the seams. I don't even feel fruitful, though I've certainly proved myself capable of multiplying. (ha ha)
I have often found myself asking, 'where are those rivers of living water you promised, Jesus?' 'what is life and life abundant and why do I not seem to have it?' and 'why do I feel so hopeless and alone?'.
And I have noticed how quick people are to praise God when things are going well for them or when God has recently come through for them in tough times... how easy it is to say 'God is good', or 'God is faithful' in those circumstances- which is funny to me because God seems to be giving people a warning, the isrealites when they were about to enter the promised land, that they should be careful not to forget God, when their cup runs over, and they have all they need, 'be careful not to forget the Lord your God' who gave them all these things...who delivered them from egypt... who sustains their life, gives them breath and all that jazz...
I find no such warning in our times of trouble... though that's probably there too, which is another reason I think it's important to not build whole theologies out of a few secluded verses, but anyway... what i'm trying to say is, isreal seemed to only cry out to God when things were rough... i find myself thinking God must not be real, or God has left me, or God just doesn't care about my stupid, meaningless little issues... i know, i know. this is very selfish of me, but that is just how i am...i think things like, 'oh will you look at that! God in His great Mercy or whatever has chosen to bless yet another undeserving soul... and what about me? am i not lost enough? am i not hopeless enough of a cause for God to waste His precious time on? how bad does it have to get?
and yet, so far in my life, no matter how deep i have gone, or for how long, God has been faithful to remind me of His love on various occasions of my doubt... but unfortunately that never seems to be enough to stop them from coming back again...
and that is me now...
i have enough reason to believe that God is good despite my circumstances, and that is what i am choosing to set my heart to stand on...
my husband once said that God brings healing and relief to suffering, not for the end goal of us just feeling better or having this wonderful easy life, but to give us a little break, a breather, and to learn to trust Him, to know that He is trustworthy, in order to get us ready for the next challenge or hardship cause we're gonna need it.. to trust Him then, when it gets even harder or worse',
and this really rang something true in me... because that is what is guarenteed in this world... hardship... certainly not ease, unless maybe you are willing to sell your soul to get it... but even then... (here i am talking about the extremely wealthy, who most likely only got there by committing some great injustice somewhere else in the world...)
anyway... i am having a hard time right now... believing, and trusting, and being hopeful... but i am trying to let the ache and general wrongness i feel i suffer -due to the prevailent disregard of morality, welfare and concern for 'the people' that is so widely spread over our culture and current civilization,- work as proof that there is in fact a God, with standards, a true right and wrong that we all must answer to. and that God is primarily motivated by Love i believe...
or else how should i have ever come to understand even the idea of justice or injustice, right or wrong, morality or immorality....
yes there are other proofs in my perspective, but this has always been one of the bigger more frequently appearing themes...
anyhoo.. we have been watching the news a lot lately, which if you haven't i strongly suggest you do, as we are quite realisticly on the verge of world war 3, no joke, and not just that but there have been crazy hardcore storms lately, with floods in over 3 states, and power outages due to the heat and over-use of electricity, not to mention the heat! which is at record highs...and if you really want to be scarred go and watch the movie 'an inconvenievt truth' - still in theatres, or you can rent 'the corporation' (this one you must clich on the aditional link 'theatrical trailer to see the trailer, the first goes automatically, and the second shows a list of theatres to watch the first)we just watched that... and you too might feel like i do right now... that 1. your problems are in a sense, really small and stupid when held next to the major problems of the world,.. but also, if you're anything like me, you might see that 2. the problems of the world seem to be a lot of the cause of my problems...
but well... it's times like these that i have to tell myself 'remember the Lord your God' even if he doesn't come and rescue me right away and make all my petty issues dissappear, i can at least say that, if only all people at all times followed Him, i wouldn't have to be sitting here, saying, 'God our world is so screwed up and lost, how are we ever gonna survive?'
ah, but then i am reminded... survival is not the goal...
and once again like that song... 'in the land that is plentiful... (and) when the road is marked with suffering' i am forced to my knees, saying 'blessed be the name of the Lord'
and in awe and in desperation, and in pleading for God to show me the way in which i must go... for He alone is good, no matter the state of the world around me or the life i am so wrapped up in.. He is Good'
and i will choose to praise Him even when litterally everything is falling apart around me...
That is not to discredit the very real and welcome joy my children do give me on a daily basis, but sometimes it seems that it just isn't enough. Of course it may be all that is getting me through. But that's just it, I am 'just getting by'. I am not thriving. I am not bursting at the seams. I don't even feel fruitful, though I've certainly proved myself capable of multiplying. (ha ha)
I have often found myself asking, 'where are those rivers of living water you promised, Jesus?' 'what is life and life abundant and why do I not seem to have it?' and 'why do I feel so hopeless and alone?'.
And I have noticed how quick people are to praise God when things are going well for them or when God has recently come through for them in tough times... how easy it is to say 'God is good', or 'God is faithful' in those circumstances- which is funny to me because God seems to be giving people a warning, the isrealites when they were about to enter the promised land, that they should be careful not to forget God, when their cup runs over, and they have all they need, 'be careful not to forget the Lord your God' who gave them all these things...who delivered them from egypt... who sustains their life, gives them breath and all that jazz...
I find no such warning in our times of trouble... though that's probably there too, which is another reason I think it's important to not build whole theologies out of a few secluded verses, but anyway... what i'm trying to say is, isreal seemed to only cry out to God when things were rough... i find myself thinking God must not be real, or God has left me, or God just doesn't care about my stupid, meaningless little issues... i know, i know. this is very selfish of me, but that is just how i am...i think things like, 'oh will you look at that! God in His great Mercy or whatever has chosen to bless yet another undeserving soul... and what about me? am i not lost enough? am i not hopeless enough of a cause for God to waste His precious time on? how bad does it have to get?
and yet, so far in my life, no matter how deep i have gone, or for how long, God has been faithful to remind me of His love on various occasions of my doubt... but unfortunately that never seems to be enough to stop them from coming back again...
and that is me now...
i have enough reason to believe that God is good despite my circumstances, and that is what i am choosing to set my heart to stand on...
my husband once said that God brings healing and relief to suffering, not for the end goal of us just feeling better or having this wonderful easy life, but to give us a little break, a breather, and to learn to trust Him, to know that He is trustworthy, in order to get us ready for the next challenge or hardship cause we're gonna need it.. to trust Him then, when it gets even harder or worse',
and this really rang something true in me... because that is what is guarenteed in this world... hardship... certainly not ease, unless maybe you are willing to sell your soul to get it... but even then... (here i am talking about the extremely wealthy, who most likely only got there by committing some great injustice somewhere else in the world...)
anyway... i am having a hard time right now... believing, and trusting, and being hopeful... but i am trying to let the ache and general wrongness i feel i suffer -due to the prevailent disregard of morality, welfare and concern for 'the people' that is so widely spread over our culture and current civilization,- work as proof that there is in fact a God, with standards, a true right and wrong that we all must answer to. and that God is primarily motivated by Love i believe...
or else how should i have ever come to understand even the idea of justice or injustice, right or wrong, morality or immorality....
yes there are other proofs in my perspective, but this has always been one of the bigger more frequently appearing themes...
anyhoo.. we have been watching the news a lot lately, which if you haven't i strongly suggest you do, as we are quite realisticly on the verge of world war 3, no joke, and not just that but there have been crazy hardcore storms lately, with floods in over 3 states, and power outages due to the heat and over-use of electricity, not to mention the heat! which is at record highs...and if you really want to be scarred go and watch the movie 'an inconvenievt truth' - still in theatres, or you can rent 'the corporation' (this one you must clich on the aditional link 'theatrical trailer to see the trailer, the first goes automatically, and the second shows a list of theatres to watch the first)we just watched that... and you too might feel like i do right now... that 1. your problems are in a sense, really small and stupid when held next to the major problems of the world,.. but also, if you're anything like me, you might see that 2. the problems of the world seem to be a lot of the cause of my problems...
but well... it's times like these that i have to tell myself 'remember the Lord your God' even if he doesn't come and rescue me right away and make all my petty issues dissappear, i can at least say that, if only all people at all times followed Him, i wouldn't have to be sitting here, saying, 'God our world is so screwed up and lost, how are we ever gonna survive?'
ah, but then i am reminded... survival is not the goal...
and once again like that song... 'in the land that is plentiful... (and) when the road is marked with suffering' i am forced to my knees, saying 'blessed be the name of the Lord'
and in awe and in desperation, and in pleading for God to show me the way in which i must go... for He alone is good, no matter the state of the world around me or the life i am so wrapped up in.. He is Good'
and i will choose to praise Him even when litterally everything is falling apart around me...
posted by 1weirdgirl at 6:22 PM
1 Comments:
Wow, Renee. I'm so sorry that you're going through it so much. I really really love you, and love to hear that you're taking out of it a deep faith. It's weird, isn't it? I haven't watched an inconvenient truth yet, but Chinua watched it and then gave me his photographic memory version and it does seem like the world is getting crazier. Like there's nowhere to turn. Except to the hope that there will be a place where everything is just... someday.
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