harsh realities, questions, and desperate for clarity
well, if you read my last post, i have a few points to expound on...
1st. HARSH REALITIES
(I mentioned that I have been facing some lately but never fully stated what they were...)
1. MY PROBLEMS CONSUME ME. make my life unbearable. make it hard to breath. leave me feeling slightly fanatical at times. make me angry. bring doubt and fear and a sense of hopelessness...
2. MY PROBLEMS ARE BIG PROBLEMS. (or at least can seem so) finances. poverty. survival. sanity (or lack there of). miscomunication. misunderstandings. distrust. deppression.
2.b. and yet, compared to most of the worlds problems- starvation. depravation. oppression. war. disease. death. manipulation. exploitation. injustice. cruelty. enslavery. severe poverty.
3. MY PROBLEMS ARE SMALL PROBLEMS. tedious. mundane. easily solved. self centered. introspective. narrow minded
and yet, they consume me. they're all i think about.
4. I AM A WIMP. a coward. a pushover. passive. unmotivated. lost.
5. I FEEL HELPLESS TO AID THE GREATER NEED THAT IS ALL AROUND ME.
6. THE WORLD IS EITHER ENDING OR BECOMING A VERY UNPLEASANT PLACE TO BE... AND SOON...
7. I FEAR FOR MY CHILDREN'S FUTURE...
8. I LACK TRUE AND WORTHY VISION AND PURPOSE IN MY LIFE... I'm sick of just FEELING disgusted by the state of the world, and yet unable or unguided to DO anything about it... i don't want fame (i don't think) idon't want glory, i just want to see change... and for the better, i want to make a difference. i want to stand up for truth and justice. i want to have a voice, and give people a voice. i want to overcome... not just my demons, but the world's...
these are the things that make me question and doubt GOD...
2nd THE QUESTIONS
1. Where are You?
2. What am I supposed to be doing?
3. Is there anything I can do?
4. Is this all just a fulfillment of prophecy?
5. If so, what does that mean?
6. Are we really just supposed to sit and watch it all fall apart?
7. If not, why don't more christians care? Why don't I care more?
8. I mean really care (enough to do something)? About the important things?
9. Are these important things?
10. Am I useful at all on this earth?
11. Do I have a purpose?
12. Besides the everyday humdrum stuff that is making me CRAZY!!!
13. Where is the vision, the calling, the truth, the action, the CHANGE?
14. Is change the answer?
15. Does this earth matter to God anymore?
or
16. Are we, as christians, just supposed to contentedly wait around for the next one?
17. Do we have a responsibility we are overlooking?
18. Am I overlooking something?
19. Have I let the cares of the world choke me?
20. What are 'the cares of the world'?
21. Is it the concern for souls, the dread of the coming destruction, the notion to 'save the planet', the hurt over our abuse to this creation, the tears I shed over the loss of Your miricles that are slowly headed for extinction?
or
22. Is it the worrying about my next paycheck, watching too much t.v., wanting to spend money, where nice clothes-not caring where they came from, driving a gas guzzler, laughing at the problems, saying 'oh well, it's not my job to fix it'?
23. When and where is the relief?
they (the questions) go on and on and on and on and on and on and i think you get it...
3rd DESPARATE FOR CLARITY
I am overwhelmed by the sense of meaninglessness of my day to day concerns, and yet that is all that goes on in my head...
how are gonna pay rent this month
what about our phone bill
what about all the people we owe money
why is it so hot
i can't do anything when it's so hot
i'm so tired, i need to get more sleep
i need to learn how to schedule myself better
i need to eat better...
i need to excersize more
i need to lose weight...
i need to stop cussing
i need to be a better wife and mother...
and while all these are important things, and worthy goals, i get to feeling trapped in mediocrosy... in halfbaked... insignificance...
don't get me wrong, i think motherhood is possibly one of the highest callings... marriage, family, all of it... fatherhood too... but is that it?
I mean I have to TEACH my children things... SOMETHING... (no matter how I live my life they will learn something fromme, from my example... I affect them, even if just form an opinion of me in them...)
I have to raise them, with (some kind of) values and morals, and ideas, and a worldview...
I shape them in a sense...
And I ask myself...
What am I shaping them into?
Who are they becoming
And what kind of place is the world becoming? And I don't mean the world as in 'the world' you know, the title given to the lump sum of all bad and evil... the tem christians generally use as 'babylon'.. I am talking about this earth.. the environment.. this country, our goverment, society... and not just in the devil's playground sense.. I mean, it is that, too.. but I look at the current shape it is taking and I am appaulled...
Sin; Ethics and Morals, they've always seaped into every aspect of life... at least in the Judaic sense... Even all of Jesus' parables were speaking directly to people's everyday life circumstances... So why be surprized now?
Because then your neighbor was only anyone you can see... Now we have the potential to affect the whole globe in our every day decisions.
We've all heard about sweat shops, land fills, the bad effects of coalburing and/or over-use of energy, the pollution we're causing, the extinction of animals, the harm of fossil fuels...
But do we stop buying the products.. driving the cars... eating the foods?
I am overwhelmed because I fear that even if i do start really caring, and doing the things i know will make a difference; plant a vegetable garden, invest in solar or other alternative energies, ride a bike, switch to deisel/veggie oil, stop buying products that add to non recycleable waste, reduce, reuse (more than recycle), buy in bulk, hang dry my clothes.. i could keep going,
i fear that i am just one person, among millions of americans that are far too comfortable to change...
not to mention that i can't even afford to make most of the switches.. and don't see how i will ever be able to...
anyway.. i've gone on and on as it is, and i'm not sure that i have much of a point, and feel like i'm writing to a brick wall... so... i guess i'll get going to bed...
these are big thoughts...and that is usually why i drop them after a while of carrying them.. they are very heavy...
i wait for that hoped for vision.. the longed for flame to ignite... with a plan...
till then, i will keep trying to do every little bit i can... bit by bit, and day by day, i will get up each morning and ask God 'how can i best serve You today my Lord?' and that, i guess, is about all i can do... till God gives me more... shows me more... till more people join us... in our search for sustainable community... peace....
1st. HARSH REALITIES
(I mentioned that I have been facing some lately but never fully stated what they were...)
1. MY PROBLEMS CONSUME ME. make my life unbearable. make it hard to breath. leave me feeling slightly fanatical at times. make me angry. bring doubt and fear and a sense of hopelessness...
2. MY PROBLEMS ARE BIG PROBLEMS. (or at least can seem so) finances. poverty. survival. sanity (or lack there of). miscomunication. misunderstandings. distrust. deppression.
2.b. and yet, compared to most of the worlds problems- starvation. depravation. oppression. war. disease. death. manipulation. exploitation. injustice. cruelty. enslavery. severe poverty.
3. MY PROBLEMS ARE SMALL PROBLEMS. tedious. mundane. easily solved. self centered. introspective. narrow minded
and yet, they consume me. they're all i think about.
4. I AM A WIMP. a coward. a pushover. passive. unmotivated. lost.
5. I FEEL HELPLESS TO AID THE GREATER NEED THAT IS ALL AROUND ME.
6. THE WORLD IS EITHER ENDING OR BECOMING A VERY UNPLEASANT PLACE TO BE... AND SOON...
7. I FEAR FOR MY CHILDREN'S FUTURE...
8. I LACK TRUE AND WORTHY VISION AND PURPOSE IN MY LIFE... I'm sick of just FEELING disgusted by the state of the world, and yet unable or unguided to DO anything about it... i don't want fame (i don't think) idon't want glory, i just want to see change... and for the better, i want to make a difference. i want to stand up for truth and justice. i want to have a voice, and give people a voice. i want to overcome... not just my demons, but the world's...
these are the things that make me question and doubt GOD...
2nd THE QUESTIONS
1. Where are You?
2. What am I supposed to be doing?
3. Is there anything I can do?
4. Is this all just a fulfillment of prophecy?
5. If so, what does that mean?
6. Are we really just supposed to sit and watch it all fall apart?
7. If not, why don't more christians care? Why don't I care more?
8. I mean really care (enough to do something)? About the important things?
9. Are these important things?
10. Am I useful at all on this earth?
11. Do I have a purpose?
12. Besides the everyday humdrum stuff that is making me CRAZY!!!
13. Where is the vision, the calling, the truth, the action, the CHANGE?
14. Is change the answer?
15. Does this earth matter to God anymore?
or
16. Are we, as christians, just supposed to contentedly wait around for the next one?
17. Do we have a responsibility we are overlooking?
18. Am I overlooking something?
19. Have I let the cares of the world choke me?
20. What are 'the cares of the world'?
21. Is it the concern for souls, the dread of the coming destruction, the notion to 'save the planet', the hurt over our abuse to this creation, the tears I shed over the loss of Your miricles that are slowly headed for extinction?
or
22. Is it the worrying about my next paycheck, watching too much t.v., wanting to spend money, where nice clothes-not caring where they came from, driving a gas guzzler, laughing at the problems, saying 'oh well, it's not my job to fix it'?
23. When and where is the relief?
they (the questions) go on and on and on and on and on and on and i think you get it...
3rd DESPARATE FOR CLARITY
I am overwhelmed by the sense of meaninglessness of my day to day concerns, and yet that is all that goes on in my head...
how are gonna pay rent this month
what about our phone bill
what about all the people we owe money
why is it so hot
i can't do anything when it's so hot
i'm so tired, i need to get more sleep
i need to learn how to schedule myself better
i need to eat better...
i need to excersize more
i need to lose weight...
i need to stop cussing
i need to be a better wife and mother...
and while all these are important things, and worthy goals, i get to feeling trapped in mediocrosy... in halfbaked... insignificance...
don't get me wrong, i think motherhood is possibly one of the highest callings... marriage, family, all of it... fatherhood too... but is that it?
I mean I have to TEACH my children things... SOMETHING... (no matter how I live my life they will learn something fromme, from my example... I affect them, even if just form an opinion of me in them...)
I have to raise them, with (some kind of) values and morals, and ideas, and a worldview...
I shape them in a sense...
And I ask myself...
What am I shaping them into?
Who are they becoming
And what kind of place is the world becoming? And I don't mean the world as in 'the world' you know, the title given to the lump sum of all bad and evil... the tem christians generally use as 'babylon'.. I am talking about this earth.. the environment.. this country, our goverment, society... and not just in the devil's playground sense.. I mean, it is that, too.. but I look at the current shape it is taking and I am appaulled...
Sin; Ethics and Morals, they've always seaped into every aspect of life... at least in the Judaic sense... Even all of Jesus' parables were speaking directly to people's everyday life circumstances... So why be surprized now?
Because then your neighbor was only anyone you can see... Now we have the potential to affect the whole globe in our every day decisions.
We've all heard about sweat shops, land fills, the bad effects of coalburing and/or over-use of energy, the pollution we're causing, the extinction of animals, the harm of fossil fuels...
But do we stop buying the products.. driving the cars... eating the foods?
I am overwhelmed because I fear that even if i do start really caring, and doing the things i know will make a difference; plant a vegetable garden, invest in solar or other alternative energies, ride a bike, switch to deisel/veggie oil, stop buying products that add to non recycleable waste, reduce, reuse (more than recycle), buy in bulk, hang dry my clothes.. i could keep going,
i fear that i am just one person, among millions of americans that are far too comfortable to change...
not to mention that i can't even afford to make most of the switches.. and don't see how i will ever be able to...
anyway.. i've gone on and on as it is, and i'm not sure that i have much of a point, and feel like i'm writing to a brick wall... so... i guess i'll get going to bed...
these are big thoughts...and that is usually why i drop them after a while of carrying them.. they are very heavy...
i wait for that hoped for vision.. the longed for flame to ignite... with a plan...
till then, i will keep trying to do every little bit i can... bit by bit, and day by day, i will get up each morning and ask God 'how can i best serve You today my Lord?' and that, i guess, is about all i can do... till God gives me more... shows me more... till more people join us... in our search for sustainable community... peace....
posted by 1weirdgirl at 10:26 PM
4 Comments:
Renee, this is deep and i am glad to hear it, because i need to believe that some people out there take on the weight of the world, and let the thoughts go into their head without escaping immediately. I just don't go there, maybe not even with the daily stuff. Why? I think i am pretty simple minded and you are a complex girl. Keep it up, and maybe we'll sit on a porch again one day and i'll have you all to myself for hours, and be glad.
I read somewhere that wisdome is doing what makes you happy now.....and i interpreted it as doing what you have always wanted to do, right when you wake up. Sure you may not be able to wake up in Africa,build an organic garden that day,have enough money to eat all organic, all of the time or in my case bein India in a orphanage with children hugging me guiding them all day long, and my husband doing what he loves, building houses for people who cant have their own. You just have to beleive that you are just as important to God right where you are....you know its all about the heart, and i know its hard to be happy when your not doing the things that you feel are your true 'calling'. But God just wants to be your friend right now, and he is happy with you. Those things that your are thinking about....they are to heavy. I think about them too. Mine are....God, why do you let innocent children suffer. starve, raped, die of cold, or heat or from being unloved, beaten, abandoned? That is not even the God that i know....that i worship or tell people about. I also dont know why God allows his children(me and you) his followers, who can struggle their whole lives serving him as best as we can, be lost to mental disorders. In my heart God i dont feel safe. Will i have 10 children, a loving husband and a ministry, and in 30 years, go mad and hurt everything in this life i worked so hard for, relationships ruined and not even know the meaning of christianity, mush less a relationship with God? I have seen it happen 4 times in my life. 2 were my family, 2 my x-family....who is safe? will i pray one day and not be answered because my mind is so clouded? I have never found the answers to my tormented thoughts. Its weird, each time i start to get angry, confused, sad.....i just want things to be uncomplicated and about love.....to feel loved whatever im doing. I just always get the feeling that those questions are to big for me to even ask. If they are answered, i feel like they wont be the answers i want. Our minds are to small to fully understand God, and the way he works, and why he does things, and when you feel this way, you have to just give it back to him, and let it go......every time. Sometimes i feel like im losing my calling...that my destiny is later and that someday i will get my stuff together so that i can go and fulfill what my heart feels....to go...to love everyone, not just those close to me, or myself. But you have to see that you are doing what God wants you to do, every time you talk to him, and every time you do something out of love. The feeling you get from your chldren.....the feeling you give your husband. Its harder some times than others....you will find the importance in your daily life and how life is about your relationship with God. Your relationship with God is how you maintain relationships with people on earth. He made you for others, and i think our life here is to just learn how to love God to the fullest by loving people here to the fullest. I personally think your great, and that you are a mother to be looked up to and you have a relationship with our creator that i strive for daily. So thank you renee for living a mundane, poverty stricken, boreing life, in your parents house , just trying to find your peace daily in between meals and bills, thank you because i have someone to relate to ahd to know that im not just wasteing my time here right now, but that im raising children who will love God and loving a husband who needs my prayers every morning, and while doing the laundry, i actually have time to pray to God(in full time ministry i might be to busy!)
Jordan and i have lived in my brothers basement for the last 3 months, and i puke every few days when i walk past the bathroom because there is a sewer leak and my smells are off and i cant even go in there, much less take a shower or brush my teethe....but that is the bathroom i am paying rent for....my car broke down....and i have to wake up at 4am and drag asher out of bed, to drive him to his aunties house, so i can sneak off to work by 5 if he doesnt start screaming, "please dont go" and wakes up my sisters children. I drag ass to work and i dont get paid yet because we could lose everything and all of us are working for free.....then jordan has to get a ride to work, cause i am using his truck, and when i get off work at 1pm....i go to my sisters house and we trade children and i babysit until 2am. And then my husband tells me that this whole pregnancy thing has been the worste thing for him becasue i am so mean. Im tired of complaining. Im tired of my life.And i ask God "how is this your calling for me?" God told me to wake up every day and find myself important and loved and find the sunshine beautiful and my childs laughter peaceful and my husbands smiles...(and smells) wonderful and to give every little thought that causes me sadness to him...all day. So i started to do it.....and i finally once again feel like i am fulfilling my calling here....i am doing what God wants me to do...love and be loved. I think the same for you........
ok....i cant beleive i just said all that, and im really sorry if non of it made sence and if i overstepped my boundries and if it speaks nothing to you...i just love you! you are doing greater things now than you are aware of....just ask God!
thanks bethany,
you have a wonderful way of encouraging.. you don't have to worry about boundaries with me, i only get weird with mean-ness but always welcome love and hope, and you're really good at that. thanks
i feel the same way with children who are abused and or starving or sick, and so much of what is wrong with the world.. and i think that is what is the hardest about being poor or just barely getting by... i long for the day that God gives our family the opportunity to really help and be a blessing to people...
our heart is for sustainability, in it's broadest sense, but also we too have a heart to help developing countries and/or families in need...
there is so much affected by the corporate mindset... companies who hire children to work in sweatshops, businesses who never question the pollution they cause, and how a lot of the starving and sick children are put in that place by greedy people...
i'd say capitolism really screwed a lot up for the world... but you're right, it is heavy.. i don't always attempt carrying it, i just really long for the chance to see things change, even if in small steps...
it is hard though...
a good answer is found by a good question... the more questions i ask, the more questions i find...
i keep seeking not to end in the misery and darkness of the world, but in the hopes that God Himself leads me to the Light He is shining down on it.
i knew you had the answers in your heart........every christian really does, even when discouraged.
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