typically...

lately my days are far from typical actually... at least in comparison to what they have been for the last, oh, say, 2 years... if you count pregnancy days, i have been a 'stay at home mom' for that whole time, and can honestly now say, i never knew how much i loved it. nor my husband... he never knew how much he loved it (me being at home), as he is now the stay at home dad...

yes, i know i covered some of this already... but not in much detail... aparently that's one of my common traits as a blogger, some things get briefly mentioned with little to no detail, and some things are way too over analysed...
not sure why that is... oh well...

anyways... i don't want to head down too far of a rabbit trail here... i just... well...

i want to adress something that has been a sort of theme in my life.. something that has unfortunately become commonplace...

yesterday was another one of those days...
and when i say 'those days', i mean something rather specific... (there's a link to the post that i wrote about the other time a similar thing happened- if you notice "those days" is a different color...

ok... so ... those days, refers to the kind of day where i am more than a little stressed out, and i kind of lose it...ok i mean REALLY lose it...and i mean BIG...and not just stress really, but all my crazy irrational fears of non-worth and unimportance come crashing in on me and totally overtake me to the point where i am seriously considering ending it all to spare eveyone around me all the potential hurt and chaos i will inevidably cause them if i am allowed to live even one more minute...

some one reading may be a little worried right now...

well... i might as well come out with it...
i've hinted at it enough....
i am not stable...
and i do have thoughts of 'randomly disappearing'... but not TOO often i guess- unless you consider even once too often..
well... luckily i have a husband who will not allow such a selfish act to be committed.... and trully this is one of the major factors preventing such... and...
the link....
the connection....
with the other story...
my lovely firstborn daughter...
who has, once again, proven her love for me, and dragged me (by my hair if she were strong enough) back in to the light and air the rest of the world thrives on, and out of my messy wet muddy dark lonely pit of dispair...

details...
do we really need to go into them?
well... what have i to lose?... even if my fears are true.. i think i can accept them now...

(it doesn't bother me to share really... though some may find my blog entirely too personal altogether, i'm not worried about that... if you don't care don't read. if you think i write all this for sympathy, again-don't read. i honestly have no goal here in writing other than my own need to express and create and move on...sometimes i want to entertain, sometimes i want to announce, ssometimes i want to share vision or ideas, and sometimes i am just processing...)

so... that having been said

THIS TIME, what brought it all on, was not the usual fight with my husband where nothing i say comes out right and his feelings are unitentionally hurt and communication bridges are totally collapsed and we're shouting at each other as if across a huge raging river which is really just our stubborn and confused souls unable to see or hear reality....
no- this time it was the crazy idea that, now, even the little LoLo girl is over me... can do just fine with out me... in fact is happier... when i'm not around...
see...
i started working...
only 5 hrs a day- and at just the right time so that i would leave right after i nursed her (around 11::30-noonish) and around 1-2pm she would take a nap till 4:30-5ish, and i would get home around 6:30-7....we figured this was perfect timing.. giving daddy plenty of "free time" in the day to get stuff done around the house(another situation i never went in to too much detail-nevermind that right now though), and both girls would sleep a lot of that time and LoLo wouldn't miss too much nursing time...

i decided to pump as well... (for emergencies... when the rice cereal wasn't cutting it for her...)which brought let down #1: i can never fill up all the way even a 4 ounce bottle... this is embarrassing.. i'm lucky to even get 2 ounces out...

well... daddy... the inovater that he is... when LoLo would get really fussy (which,sadly, has become more and more prevailant)... decided to give her a FULL 8 ounces of formula (that we just happened to get from a friend of my dads that got it at the food pantry in town and thougt of us????)...

well... i was sad at first.. when he first told me... as i really don't like formula... at least not when she's so young and i wasn't planning on weaning her anytime soon, so to me it's not necessary... and especially it not being the organic kind... But what is there to do? poor daddy being stuck at home with a crying baby, only a little pumped milk, and no flowing boobies of his own?
anyway... 2 days after he started this habbit, she started getting fussy while i would nurse her, when i came home or in the mornings... It seemed to me like she was very unhappy with my "milkies"... I started to get even sadder... and then yesterday was falling apart... shattering...

hubby even confirmed my fears by saying i must not have a strong enough flow, she's probably used to the bottle now, and wants that full feeling...

well, as if that wasn't hard enough to swallow (or in my case try desperately to deny) than he has the nerve of going ahead and making her a bottle, and despite my protests to him giving it to her in front of me, he does, and sure enough she LOVES it and is in no way shape or form fussy even in the slightest bit and is slurping and sucking and gulping away, and i turn in to a complete and total wack-job psycho, throwing the huggest fit of tears and rage and utter despair i have possibly yet seen come out of me...(ATTN ALL READERS: when i say rage keep in mind that i would NEVER and have never even come close to hurting either of my children HONEST i was mad at me, at God, at the fate of the world to bring such a reality to pass... that 'i am not good enough'

now... at this point there is much i want to say....
i don't know that i can expect all of whoever is reading to understand... and i do have to beg, that if you are not completely 100% empathetic PLEASSE PLEASE PLEASE refrain from commenting...)
if you do totally empathise, ignore this next part if you feel i am preaching to the choir so to say.. i just have to get this out...

there is something so emotionally involving with being a mother... and i'm sure it affects us all differently, as we are all just that,, different...to me, it was rejection... once again (i have abandonment issues aparently)... and yet this time by the one who i figured had at least a year to go on the rejection phase before she even got the thought that i am not the only most wonderful thing in the world...
but here i am with an almost 6 month old baby girl who does not want to nurse...
"what is wrong with me?" i find myself wondering
am i not even a comfort?
am i just not a comforting person?
am i not a good mother?
do i push them away?
what is it about me that they do not like?
adora i could excuse, i mean she is a toddler after all, discovering her 'free will' and independance, but chloe? still a baby?

and worse yet all the countless stories i've read and i deas put in to my head about how babies always love their mommies' milk the best... how it's the most wonderful thing in the world to them... and that mommies themselves are #1 (independant phases aside)
well.. not with my kiddo's...
at least not anymore...
AND THEN...
after the climaxical time of screaming and crying and all that jazz.. when i was just laying in my bed and sobbing... after daddy had given up his attempts of consolation, and was leaving the room, and calling adora out with him... he apparently did leave... but she didn't...
she went.. shut the door... came back to the bed... saying "mama" in her sweet loving, slightly concerned little assuring voice, climbed up on the bed and proceeded to hug and kiss me and in her own little way tell me 'it's allright" "don't cry mama, i love you"
and just as i start to cheer up.. all she can talk about is 'doey' (chloe') and it seemed to me that she would say 'it's not fair of me to feel shut out by her, she's just a hungry girl and eats a lot, and needs to eat a lot and it's ok, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or doesn't still need you. she does need you'... ok actually this is all stuff that daddy was saying but i couldn't hear it till then...

and she kept grabbing my finger and pulling and pointing to the door and saying "where doey?... ah ah doey...and doey"
and me- 'ok ok i get it...let's go get Chloe'...

after which i had a long talk with hubby, and it began to become clear to me that i have a habbit... of seeing things through a certain light and letting them convince of a few really bad things...

this happens because i have an idea of love. what it should look like, and sound like and how it should feel and be portrayed... and then there's reality.. which being very different leaves me with the option that it is not love... but i have to learn to see that it is not the only option.

there is love...lotts of it...all around me...

and if i stop focusing on seeming the lack of evidence long enough (it really doesn't take too long) i notice a rather rich supply of it... though it may look and sound and feel a lot different than what i thought it should.. it is in no way less genuine.... and so i am once again learning the hard lesson of loving the life i have... not wishing for a new one, a different one... a better one...
at some point i have to say that this is good enough, and in fact come to see that it is indeed wonderful...

this is hard, and yet very necessary.. this is my lot in life... this is, i am convinced, the BIG LESSON God's been trying to teach me... the lesson i have been crying out for... when i find myself asking God 'so what is it? why all the trials?, why is nothing getting better only worse? why is it so hard for me? what am i doing wrong? what are you trying to show me?'... here it is...

but it runs so much deeper than all this... in to everything... my discontentment is consuming me... i can see it now... in all my complaining and bitterness and how i'm annoyed all the time... how i'm always discouraged or dissappointed in my husband, who is a very loving person, and does show me, all the time..i just take his actions to mean different things...

like tickling me and teasing me... he's not trying to annoy me-ok maybe he is a little- but maybe it is like he says-he just wants to play with me-we used to play all the time- when i got so serious i'm not sure.
-maybe it is that i play all day long (or used to) with kids, and when he comes around i expect to have sane 'adult' time... conversations... not frensied wrestling matches....
and now... guess what happens... i am at work a lot of the day, getting an over abundant fill of 'adult time' and i come home and want to play and he wants to read, or listen to a teaching tape or something of the like... well go figure...

ok.. i'm rambling here, and covering too many bases i guess so i will say what i intend to say...

i am in a new theme.. a new phase...
of redefining life... what it means to be a mother... a wife... a woman... a human being in desperate longing for Light and Goodness... the presence of God... Beauty.. Truth... Joy... Peace... the list goes on...

and "Finally brethren, whatever thingsare true, whatever things are noble, whatevr things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, if there be anything worthy of praise, let us focus on these things.... and the God of peace shall be with you" Philippians 4:8-...9