Today...

today is an odd day...
there is much before us, and just as much behind us...
we have come a long way, and yet have so far to go...

but these are general stements, that actually apply to more than one specific...

we are in another hotel... hopefully our last on this trip... and I have all the time in the world... to question everything....

we weren't even at the gathering one complete night, and I feel both relieved about that, and robbed at the same time...
I love the gathering... I love the woods... I love hearing "welcome home" even though it is not my home- but it is 'not my home' for different reasons than some... the world is not my home, and that is just that, but funny enough, i feel more at home at the gathering than anywhere else...
but even this is not because i consider myself to be rainbow family..it is because i feel like it is something i can do... i feel like i know my place... that is, untill last night...

i have much to say on this.. but i don't want to speak too soon... i just feel like everything is changing, but not in the ways i want it to.. and it has nothing to do with the mosquitoes, though they were incredibly hungry, and EVERYWHERE, and driving me absolutely crazy... nor does it have to do with any of the other inconveniences of life in the woods... i feel i could handle all of that very well, especially if i'd been a little more prepared this year- which is somewhat of the major issue I am having right now, but it has more to do with the unpreparedness of everyone we came with, and how nothing seems to be going the way it should, and i am so sad right now and torn apart...

i feel like i am in the middle of watching one of my favorite movies on VHS and the VCR is eating the tape and distorting it herrendously and yet instead of the tape just being ruined and the actual movie still the same, that i could easily go and get another copy of, rather it is the movie itself that is being changed, and all the charachters are messing up their lines, and going off the script, and the stage is falling apart and the whole plot is twisting and all I can think is NOO!!! it doesn't happen this way...this is not how the story goes!!!

And the hardest part is that there is very little I can do about it, and further more, i have way too many other things I NEED to be doing right now and it is all just very sad...

well... for those who are dying to know the less ambiguous version, i am promising to write again soon... but for now i must try for a little more sleep, and then some food, and then PRAY PRAY PRAY for what we feel we need to do, and then more sleep and then back on the road to illionois, and then i will fill all in...
love, hugs, prayers and kisses
toodle-oo

so... here we are...

(this is from a few-I have no idea how many- nights ago...)

Well, I'd tell the whole story (of us moving in and out and in and out again)... but I'm guessing most of you know it, even though you may have no idea how frightfully intense it was for me, despite my inablility to talk about it, or spontaneously combust like I was so often extremely tempted to do but never could quite get around to... and for the rest of you that don't know... well, I'm sorry, I just have no idea how to say it all in a nice and loving and friendly "I'm just fine sort of way", and even though I hold no grudges now, honestly, and I feel like it really is okay.. the truth is, I am just glad it is over... the decision is made...we are outta there... we are here, and not there, and not any where else...

here being some random town in utah (2 1/2hours out of the way, just so we could find a hotel since all the 20 hotels in the green river/ rock springs area is completely booked- save for one roomfor 130 dollars that we simply are not willing to pay... and those we are travelling with got the last campspot, which we wouldn't camp in anyway since we have no blankets or lights to set up our brand new tent in the dark....), but we are in a hotel... sorry motel, a tool shed compared to the room we had last night- a decently priced hotel, that was actually one of the roomiest I've ever been in-, and areon our way to Illinois, with the beloved rainbow gathering as our (hopefully) only detour allong the way...

I am overcome with about a million conflicting emotions about the general state of my life right now... but I have to say, they are mostly good... and to those who are concerned, my hubby is the best hubby in all the world...and in no way any harder to deal with than I am myself, and in more ways than I give him credit for, the kindest man I know... If anyone has trouble believing this statement I would like to refer them to some thoughts C.S.Lewis wrote on about how only God knows the heart and what it actually takes for an individual to give something, or refrain from something... and I don't want to totally butcher his words here, so I'll just say that I believe my husband does the best he can and is getting better everyday, and the feets he makes are equivelant to climimg Mt. Everst or something... I am proud of him and I love him and he is good to me...

So... now that that is out of the way... I will say good night again... there is no internet here, and I don't know when I will post... but I love you all and am grateful for your love and prayers, and even the offered, though unneeded, protection...

whew!!!

(this is from the first night after we left...)

It seems like my life just got struck by an insanity storm. Its been dumping and pouring and the winds have been howling and tearing up houses and lives and me...

I don't know what it is about me, but sometimes I feel like I just can't handle life... like it's either too hard, or I'm just not cut out for it...

I forget everything, I'm very easily angered and freak out under stress... I'm clumsy, totally irrational at times, I cuss a lot, I never get enough sleep... I'm lazy, mean, irritable, generally grumpy... every little mistake or minor inconvenience and I just lose it and get so mad and want to punch holes in walls or break things.... (it actually occured to me once, when filling out an application for a job someplace, to list all this under the part where it asked "how would you describe yourself?")

But then, there are these times, where everything, litterally, is falling apart all around me, my whole world is crashing and turning upside down and inside out and all scattered into a million broken peices(or feels very near to it), and I am calm as lake michigan... (or some other big lake that appears calm if you compare it to the ocean...)

Anyway.. so this storm hit my life, made a big mess, scared the hell out of me, threw everything i owned all over the lawn, turned me into a nervous miserable wreck, and left... and I am now officially homeless, living out of my car, which is packed with almost everything we own, except for the storage space harboring our fugitive belongings that didn't sell in the moving sale and almost got hauled to goodwill or the dump, until we decided, at the very last minute possible, to go ahead and save it all and try to come back in a month or two and find another place to haul it all into... ( we are just now half way through the year, and we've already moved 3 times... two of those times were all in this last week... and now we are on the road... Yay me!!!

Anyway, again, gosh hows that for a ramble?... or a jumbled mess trying it's best to mirror the images bouncing around my mind and heart, and I am so tired I could cry... or die... or just sigh... hhhhhhhh sighhhhh... and yawn.... I think I'll post this in the morning... I must go to sleep...

that was quick!!!

(just kidding)
I'm just posting to say that the scarry part is over...
our family was near crisis- no matter how light anyone might want to make it, it was way intense for me, and there were points when i really saw no hope, and no options...
but now, things look good... though a little sad for some, thankfully, really happy and exciting for others...
we are moving to illionois!!!
but this too is only a temporary thing...
we have been wanting our parents to move out here for a while now, and it looks like now is the time...
so we are moving out there to help get their house ready to sell, and get them through some of the rough times they have been having as of late..
anyway, that having been said... i am still way too busy to keep blogging very often, and probably won't again till we get there
so... much love to you all...and you will here from me as soon as i get the chance...

goodbye...

due to some serious circumstances, family crisis, way scarry turmoil, drama, you name it, I am going to have to quit blogging for a while....
just in case anybody will miss me, i figured i give some warning...
this shouldn't be a permanent thing...
i love you all...
(sorry nanny joe... you can still call us anytime and we love you, and hopefully the blog will be up and running again soon)

this is me...

(or rather, my idea of an artsy picture)

hmmm

I feel very blah right now...
that is the only word there is for it, honestly...

i mean, i could try and sum up all my stupid emotions into something a little more eloquent, but in the end i will still feel and be the very dull, humdrum, and altogether blah that i am now...

i don't even know why i'm writing really, except that i put up such a stink about how my husband has recently become addicted to My-Space and i feel like he does it to me intentionally, to take the computer away from me, and i feel like if i'm that upset about it, then it should be because i actually have something important to do, (you know - like blogging), unlike he who just mindlessly types away his crazy opinions, and puts this big effort into making this really cool background and appearance, and it's all so vain you know...

but then, when i look at it.. what is the difference really?... i mean, is this really all that important? my blog? sure maybe it has become so to me, but who else cares? i mean, i'm glad for every person that does read and comment on my blog, but it's not like their worlds would end if i miss a few days... and it's not like i really have anything all that exciting to write about... so what's the deal?...

i think that maybe i have become a little too attatched to blogging...

of course i'm not the one who has to bring the stinkin laptop into the bathroom with me everytime i have to take a dump... akh-khem... but... hey... who's pointing fingers?.. ok well i guess i'm done... venting that is... i can't say that i feel any better though...

truth be told, i actually have about 10 ideas a day on what to blog on, but whenever my life does afford me the precious time to sit down, if my husband is home, my only interaction with the computer will be watching him or reading whatever nonsense he's reading or writing about, and then, if i do ever get the computer, by then i'm too blah to write about anything.... soo... i will say that though it may not be believeable, there really is a creative side to me, i swear, tucked away somewhere behind, the mom, and the compliant wife, and the housekeeper, and the cook, and the girl who does everything in the world for everyone else and hardly one little thing for herself... but that side aparently can't afford the rent here, so it moved out and, while it send me letters every so often to remind me of all the fun and funny things it has to say or do, i on the other hand may never get the chance to join in... with the creative side of me that is... the one that's been tucked away somewhere so long it decided to jump ship...

well... if anyone couldn't see past the complaining in this post to note the sarcastic overtones and honestly just plain fun-making of my husband, whom i dearly love, and general, though mostly humorous, disdain for My-Space, i apologize...
i'm really not the caniving, complaining, ungrateful, stuck-up, spoiled, selfish person i could easily be mistaken for... honest.. i'm really a nice, fun, silly, and playful girl that loves life, and hardly complains about a thing (ha!!!) and i'm just bummed a little by my present circumstances, but honest enough to admitt that it is no big deal...( at least the not getting to blog as much as i want part of it... there are plenty of things in my present circumstances that are a really big deal...)

well... on that note... i feel i can now clarify some of what i now believe i must have been going through in my post a few days ago about feeling like i was headed for a waterfall...

a lot of it can be named as simple anxiety, or fear of change...

we've been talking about moving, and had recently been getting serious about this one house that we really can't afford, but desperately want, and after the let down of a few possible roommates backing out, i guess it started to feel like the world was closing in on me, especially when my husband was all gung-ho anyway, and felt totally for sure about the place, even though it's more than double what we pay now, and he's making all these committments, and plans and promises, to make it all work, and he's so motivated it makes my head spin...

well... now that it is pretty much definite, we are moving, next week, and i'm so scared i can hardly breathe easily, i can now see more clearly what all the weirdness was that i was feeling... like life was whizzing past me, like i'm totally not in control...(something i absolutely cannot stand) but i now think that it just has to be God, because i have prayed and prayed, and the hubby swears up and down that he does not have one ounce of reservation, and if, heaven forbid it does all fall apart, at least i can say, that this time, it is not my fault... but that's not why it has to be God... that's just my selfishness talking, sorry about that... no, really though... i just see him so hopeful, and determined, and part of me just doesn't want to ruin that.. though i do come close every time i try talking about it to him, and i end up sounding like a mad woman who worries about every little thing and never has any faith, least of all in her husband, which is totally not my intention...

but... i don't know how or why, but today i just have this peace... not all day mind you.. most of the first part of the day was spent trying desperately to get a hold of my mom and beg her to talk some sense into my life and tell me i'm not totally crazy for being as concerned and as scared as i am, which she did, but then, after talking to my husband, yet again, and looking over our very slim options... i have to admitt, that this really could be the chance of our lives... this could be something we would look back on and forever regret not doing... (or it could be the biggest mistake yet).. i mean, we're not buying the place, and we don't want to spend our lives on renting... but, it is a neat house and has way more space, and we may get a really great roommate someday, (i won't name any names), and everything, for once, may just actually work out... who knows?

for all i know my husband is right. i am impossible to please, and we really can do this, and we will be okay, and there are a million worst case scenerios with every decsion ever to be made ever, and "sometimes..." (I'm quoting my husband here,) " every choice has problems, and you can either pick apart all the problems for eternity, or you can pick a path and work with those problems as you go"... i hope i quoted that right...

anyway... i guess that's all to say... i embrace the waterfall... i'm ready to go over the edge... i'm ready to drown, or have the rush of my life, and either way be forever changed, and no matter what, i choose to hold the hand of the man i love and support him, and wait to see what wonderful things God will do...

trouble-shooting

let's try to get some pictures of the girls....


well, i'm glad you love each other...


errrrrr...

hey... wait!!

givin up so soon?

"yeah.. I think I'd rather be the star of my own show"




what to do...

start our own show!!!

if i could just get the LoLo girl to smile...

right now

If all my life, my whole world as I know it, was a boat, that boat would be on a river, fairly mellow, but slowly heading towards a waterfall.
I have no idea how close it is, but I can hear it.
I have no idea how huge it is, but it is not small...
I'm a little scarred... knowing that it's there, and there is no way around it. Our encounter is inevidable.
But it is not death that I fear... death would be the easy way... rather it is the soon to come wreckage, and the no way of knowing the extent of damage I am to be facing, or even what benefit I'm sure shall be gained. It is the knowing that many things are bound to be severely altered... and I have no guess as to what if anything will survive, I just know that even in survival, it will never be the same...
................................................................................

Right now I am sitting on the porch of a cabin in the woods by a river... my daughter is crying and refusing to sleep, but I know that she is tired, and I am so sad and torn inside, because it is so rare for her to not just fall asleep in seconds without a peep.. but it would be even harder for her if she didn't sleep right now...

I look at the river, rolling by below me, some 100 feet away, down an incline and through the rocks...
part of me wants to run down there and jump in that river,
and the other part is hoping for it to magically jump up over here and wash me away....
......................................................................

I feel homesick...
but there really is no home I can think of that I am longing for, except the one that is always in my mind and yet has never been seen with my eyes....
It is only a dream, a pipe dream at that... a fleeting whisper of hope and fantasy that seems so unrealistic I'd almost let it go, and yet feels so loud and necessary I could near crumble under the weight of it...
the longing, at times, consumes me
and the shocking contrast to my life as it is baffles me...
how could I want something so bad if it doesn't even exsist? how can I be thinking of it day and night, only to find the here and now harder and harder to bear?

when I am quiet long enough I can here the gentle reminder that this world is truly not my home... and I have some few ounces of peace, knowing there is a promise...
but how long and why must we wait? what is this life for? what is the purpose? where is the fruit?
when will my soul find that rest promised so long ago...
does it get better?... or always harder, and I am being made ever stronger....
......................................................................

I am praying, for many things, but mostly I am begging to resist the urge of two prevailing temptations...
one- to be really angry
and two- to join my daughter in her screams...... this is the thing I am most wanting to do, though I know it will do no good...

I hear her and it is like hearing my heart... begging for relief...

Duh!!!

I forgot that there is a default mode that is automatically set up when you start a new blog that only allows other bloggers to comment on your blog.. you have to go and change the settings if you want to enable 'anyone' to post comments... er dee der... sorry 'bout that...
well problem solved... all lizzy and lolo fans can comment away, blogger or no...


(note to mom... no it wasn't my way of getting you to start a blog, though the idea had crossed my mind, one had nothing to do with the other...)

well it's late, so i will go to bed, rather than tell stories about Lizzy's new passtimes of 'hide sissy's binky', or 'hide mommies phone', or 'call daddy mama a hundered times even though he ignores me'
no... i won't tell stories... but i will tell you that there's a few more pictures on their site if you want to check out... still in comparison theme...
i lost our usb chord so i can't upload any of the newest pics for a while... hope to find soon though cuz i got some good ones..
ok goodnight...