right now
If all my life, my whole world as I know it, was a boat, that boat would be on a river, fairly mellow, but slowly heading towards a waterfall.
I have no idea how close it is, but I can hear it.
I have no idea how huge it is, but it is not small...
I'm a little scarred... knowing that it's there, and there is no way around it. Our encounter is inevidable.
But it is not death that I fear... death would be the easy way... rather it is the soon to come wreckage, and the no way of knowing the extent of damage I am to be facing, or even what benefit I'm sure shall be gained. It is the knowing that many things are bound to be severely altered... and I have no guess as to what if anything will survive, I just know that even in survival, it will never be the same...
................................................................................
Right now I am sitting on the porch of a cabin in the woods by a river... my daughter is crying and refusing to sleep, but I know that she is tired, and I am so sad and torn inside, because it is so rare for her to not just fall asleep in seconds without a peep.. but it would be even harder for her if she didn't sleep right now...
I look at the river, rolling by below me, some 100 feet away, down an incline and through the rocks...
part of me wants to run down there and jump in that river,
and the other part is hoping for it to magically jump up over here and wash me away....
......................................................................
I feel homesick...
but there really is no home I can think of that I am longing for, except the one that is always in my mind and yet has never been seen with my eyes....
It is only a dream, a pipe dream at that... a fleeting whisper of hope and fantasy that seems so unrealistic I'd almost let it go, and yet feels so loud and necessary I could near crumble under the weight of it...
the longing, at times, consumes me
and the shocking contrast to my life as it is baffles me...
how could I want something so bad if it doesn't even exsist? how can I be thinking of it day and night, only to find the here and now harder and harder to bear?
when I am quiet long enough I can here the gentle reminder that this world is truly not my home... and I have some few ounces of peace, knowing there is a promise...
but how long and why must we wait? what is this life for? what is the purpose? where is the fruit?
when will my soul find that rest promised so long ago...
does it get better?... or always harder, and I am being made ever stronger....
......................................................................
I am praying, for many things, but mostly I am begging to resist the urge of two prevailing temptations...
one- to be really angry
and two- to join my daughter in her screams...... this is the thing I am most wanting to do, though I know it will do no good...
I hear her and it is like hearing my heart... begging for relief...
I have no idea how close it is, but I can hear it.
I have no idea how huge it is, but it is not small...
I'm a little scarred... knowing that it's there, and there is no way around it. Our encounter is inevidable.
But it is not death that I fear... death would be the easy way... rather it is the soon to come wreckage, and the no way of knowing the extent of damage I am to be facing, or even what benefit I'm sure shall be gained. It is the knowing that many things are bound to be severely altered... and I have no guess as to what if anything will survive, I just know that even in survival, it will never be the same...
................................................................................
Right now I am sitting on the porch of a cabin in the woods by a river... my daughter is crying and refusing to sleep, but I know that she is tired, and I am so sad and torn inside, because it is so rare for her to not just fall asleep in seconds without a peep.. but it would be even harder for her if she didn't sleep right now...
I look at the river, rolling by below me, some 100 feet away, down an incline and through the rocks...
part of me wants to run down there and jump in that river,
and the other part is hoping for it to magically jump up over here and wash me away....
......................................................................
I feel homesick...
but there really is no home I can think of that I am longing for, except the one that is always in my mind and yet has never been seen with my eyes....
It is only a dream, a pipe dream at that... a fleeting whisper of hope and fantasy that seems so unrealistic I'd almost let it go, and yet feels so loud and necessary I could near crumble under the weight of it...
the longing, at times, consumes me
and the shocking contrast to my life as it is baffles me...
how could I want something so bad if it doesn't even exsist? how can I be thinking of it day and night, only to find the here and now harder and harder to bear?
when I am quiet long enough I can here the gentle reminder that this world is truly not my home... and I have some few ounces of peace, knowing there is a promise...
but how long and why must we wait? what is this life for? what is the purpose? where is the fruit?
when will my soul find that rest promised so long ago...
does it get better?... or always harder, and I am being made ever stronger....
......................................................................
I am praying, for many things, but mostly I am begging to resist the urge of two prevailing temptations...
one- to be really angry
and two- to join my daughter in her screams...... this is the thing I am most wanting to do, though I know it will do no good...
I hear her and it is like hearing my heart... begging for relief...
posted by 1weirdgirl at 3:48 PM
5 Comments:
Well now I know why my head has singing that song again and where you are. I'm sure you remember the song: "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyong the blue. The angels becom me from heaven's open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore." Oh Lord you know, I have no friend like you. If heavens not my home, then Lord what will I do. The angels becom me from heaven's open doors and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."
hey, jaben has been screaming all night too, he has so much trouble sleeping since he got sick, i am debating on taking him to the doc. hope it gets better, it is hard having a screaming kid all night long, man I am having horrible chest pains!
honey, are you ok?
call me 831-336-8094
Renee, i could'nt get ahold of you last night when i tried yours and every other number at the land. I did'nt even read this until this morning, and i think now i know why i kept trying last night. Call me on scotts 415 number. I'll have it all day. I feel sad right now and hollow for what you are going through. I love you.
I really like this post, not because I'm a sicko, but because it feels the same way I do in my interpretation in my head.
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