hmmm

I feel very blah right now...
that is the only word there is for it, honestly...

i mean, i could try and sum up all my stupid emotions into something a little more eloquent, but in the end i will still feel and be the very dull, humdrum, and altogether blah that i am now...

i don't even know why i'm writing really, except that i put up such a stink about how my husband has recently become addicted to My-Space and i feel like he does it to me intentionally, to take the computer away from me, and i feel like if i'm that upset about it, then it should be because i actually have something important to do, (you know - like blogging), unlike he who just mindlessly types away his crazy opinions, and puts this big effort into making this really cool background and appearance, and it's all so vain you know...

but then, when i look at it.. what is the difference really?... i mean, is this really all that important? my blog? sure maybe it has become so to me, but who else cares? i mean, i'm glad for every person that does read and comment on my blog, but it's not like their worlds would end if i miss a few days... and it's not like i really have anything all that exciting to write about... so what's the deal?...

i think that maybe i have become a little too attatched to blogging...

of course i'm not the one who has to bring the stinkin laptop into the bathroom with me everytime i have to take a dump... akh-khem... but... hey... who's pointing fingers?.. ok well i guess i'm done... venting that is... i can't say that i feel any better though...

truth be told, i actually have about 10 ideas a day on what to blog on, but whenever my life does afford me the precious time to sit down, if my husband is home, my only interaction with the computer will be watching him or reading whatever nonsense he's reading or writing about, and then, if i do ever get the computer, by then i'm too blah to write about anything.... soo... i will say that though it may not be believeable, there really is a creative side to me, i swear, tucked away somewhere behind, the mom, and the compliant wife, and the housekeeper, and the cook, and the girl who does everything in the world for everyone else and hardly one little thing for herself... but that side aparently can't afford the rent here, so it moved out and, while it send me letters every so often to remind me of all the fun and funny things it has to say or do, i on the other hand may never get the chance to join in... with the creative side of me that is... the one that's been tucked away somewhere so long it decided to jump ship...

well... if anyone couldn't see past the complaining in this post to note the sarcastic overtones and honestly just plain fun-making of my husband, whom i dearly love, and general, though mostly humorous, disdain for My-Space, i apologize...
i'm really not the caniving, complaining, ungrateful, stuck-up, spoiled, selfish person i could easily be mistaken for... honest.. i'm really a nice, fun, silly, and playful girl that loves life, and hardly complains about a thing (ha!!!) and i'm just bummed a little by my present circumstances, but honest enough to admitt that it is no big deal...( at least the not getting to blog as much as i want part of it... there are plenty of things in my present circumstances that are a really big deal...)

well... on that note... i feel i can now clarify some of what i now believe i must have been going through in my post a few days ago about feeling like i was headed for a waterfall...

a lot of it can be named as simple anxiety, or fear of change...

we've been talking about moving, and had recently been getting serious about this one house that we really can't afford, but desperately want, and after the let down of a few possible roommates backing out, i guess it started to feel like the world was closing in on me, especially when my husband was all gung-ho anyway, and felt totally for sure about the place, even though it's more than double what we pay now, and he's making all these committments, and plans and promises, to make it all work, and he's so motivated it makes my head spin...

well... now that it is pretty much definite, we are moving, next week, and i'm so scared i can hardly breathe easily, i can now see more clearly what all the weirdness was that i was feeling... like life was whizzing past me, like i'm totally not in control...(something i absolutely cannot stand) but i now think that it just has to be God, because i have prayed and prayed, and the hubby swears up and down that he does not have one ounce of reservation, and if, heaven forbid it does all fall apart, at least i can say, that this time, it is not my fault... but that's not why it has to be God... that's just my selfishness talking, sorry about that... no, really though... i just see him so hopeful, and determined, and part of me just doesn't want to ruin that.. though i do come close every time i try talking about it to him, and i end up sounding like a mad woman who worries about every little thing and never has any faith, least of all in her husband, which is totally not my intention...

but... i don't know how or why, but today i just have this peace... not all day mind you.. most of the first part of the day was spent trying desperately to get a hold of my mom and beg her to talk some sense into my life and tell me i'm not totally crazy for being as concerned and as scared as i am, which she did, but then, after talking to my husband, yet again, and looking over our very slim options... i have to admitt, that this really could be the chance of our lives... this could be something we would look back on and forever regret not doing... (or it could be the biggest mistake yet).. i mean, we're not buying the place, and we don't want to spend our lives on renting... but, it is a neat house and has way more space, and we may get a really great roommate someday, (i won't name any names), and everything, for once, may just actually work out... who knows?

for all i know my husband is right. i am impossible to please, and we really can do this, and we will be okay, and there are a million worst case scenerios with every decsion ever to be made ever, and "sometimes..." (I'm quoting my husband here,) " every choice has problems, and you can either pick apart all the problems for eternity, or you can pick a path and work with those problems as you go"... i hope i quoted that right...

anyway... i guess that's all to say... i embrace the waterfall... i'm ready to go over the edge... i'm ready to drown, or have the rush of my life, and either way be forever changed, and no matter what, i choose to hold the hand of the man i love and support him, and wait to see what wonderful things God will do...