revelation
well... i just erased a chunk of a post i previouisly wrote about the whole losing a friend thing...
when i read over it, i felt i totally forgot to really try and not state things in a way that blamed her on any level..
as much as i am strugling right now with "the right thing to do" that was something that just didn't feel right to me... at least the attitude in which i wrote it...
anyway, in looking at it all now (the situation), i feel like, more than any of the specific things that upset me, what has been eating at me most lately, is this sense of not knowing what it really means to be a christian,,, and its hard, because i feel i have so many real questions, that i really want answers to, or to brainstorm with other christians about, but i don't really want to go in to specifics for fear of this deep rooted evil in me that just wants to be heard and backed up and agreed with, and in doing that, i would neglect the feelings of, and the respect for, a friend of mine...as well as neglecting the reality of point 5 in the 'all i will say' part of the "more to say post"... sorry if that's confusing...
i'ts just that i think i'm realizing something really important right now, and i want to be faithful to what God is putting on my heart...
the truth is we're just different, her and i, and is that so wrong? sure she may have done or said things that hurt me, but i probably did to her too... we all do, when we're not careful, and one thing that is really wrong, is to keep up with this me against her @#%*! she's just human, and has all her own issues and feeling and reasonings too, and i need to love her, and though i may struggle with what exactly that means or doesn't mean, i still have to be humble and admitt when i'm wrong, even when my "rights" are being infringed upon... who cares about my rights really... i mean i should and will always stick up for my children, but i don't always need to stick up for myself... not always anyway... and honestly, i really believe that all that went wrong could be summed up in 2 words... miscommunication, and misexpectations (i'm not sure that that's really a word, but it says what i want it to say)
most, if not all, of our disfunctions had to do with us reacting to what we thought the other was saying or doing or what she (me or her) really meant by what was said or how it was said, as well as what we had each expected from the whole visit... i think we are both guilty, but when i really look at it, i have to say, that it was as if i believed, for a time, that her intentions in coming out here were to make my life hell... and that just isn't true... i know it's not... and the only thing trying to make me believe that was all the work of the devil himself.. i really believe that... and in recognizing that, i now feel i finally have the power to truly forgive her... whether or not she wishes to make up with me or forgive me is her own decision, and even her admitting any wrongs she has committed is a work of God, that is completely between the two of them, and, in this scenario, i feel it is not my place to attempt forcing such an end to be met... sure if we do talk one day, i can tell her how i feel and share with her what i was hurt by, but whether or not repentance is required i feel is between her and her Lord alone..., and should she so chose to apologize, i have hereby already forgiven her... because i know, at least i think i know, that it was not her intention what-so-ever to hurt me, and if it was at all in any case, than i still gladly await the chance to tell her,"i still love you... in my eyes you are beautiful, and By God's grace alone made whole... no better or worse than any of us...."
and that's it, that's all i have to say...honest...
for now...
when i read over it, i felt i totally forgot to really try and not state things in a way that blamed her on any level..
as much as i am strugling right now with "the right thing to do" that was something that just didn't feel right to me... at least the attitude in which i wrote it...
anyway, in looking at it all now (the situation), i feel like, more than any of the specific things that upset me, what has been eating at me most lately, is this sense of not knowing what it really means to be a christian,,, and its hard, because i feel i have so many real questions, that i really want answers to, or to brainstorm with other christians about, but i don't really want to go in to specifics for fear of this deep rooted evil in me that just wants to be heard and backed up and agreed with, and in doing that, i would neglect the feelings of, and the respect for, a friend of mine...as well as neglecting the reality of point 5 in the 'all i will say' part of the "more to say post"... sorry if that's confusing...
i'ts just that i think i'm realizing something really important right now, and i want to be faithful to what God is putting on my heart...
the truth is we're just different, her and i, and is that so wrong? sure she may have done or said things that hurt me, but i probably did to her too... we all do, when we're not careful, and one thing that is really wrong, is to keep up with this me against her @#%*! she's just human, and has all her own issues and feeling and reasonings too, and i need to love her, and though i may struggle with what exactly that means or doesn't mean, i still have to be humble and admitt when i'm wrong, even when my "rights" are being infringed upon... who cares about my rights really... i mean i should and will always stick up for my children, but i don't always need to stick up for myself... not always anyway... and honestly, i really believe that all that went wrong could be summed up in 2 words... miscommunication, and misexpectations (i'm not sure that that's really a word, but it says what i want it to say)
most, if not all, of our disfunctions had to do with us reacting to what we thought the other was saying or doing or what she (me or her) really meant by what was said or how it was said, as well as what we had each expected from the whole visit... i think we are both guilty, but when i really look at it, i have to say, that it was as if i believed, for a time, that her intentions in coming out here were to make my life hell... and that just isn't true... i know it's not... and the only thing trying to make me believe that was all the work of the devil himself.. i really believe that... and in recognizing that, i now feel i finally have the power to truly forgive her... whether or not she wishes to make up with me or forgive me is her own decision, and even her admitting any wrongs she has committed is a work of God, that is completely between the two of them, and, in this scenario, i feel it is not my place to attempt forcing such an end to be met... sure if we do talk one day, i can tell her how i feel and share with her what i was hurt by, but whether or not repentance is required i feel is between her and her Lord alone..., and should she so chose to apologize, i have hereby already forgiven her... because i know, at least i think i know, that it was not her intention what-so-ever to hurt me, and if it was at all in any case, than i still gladly await the chance to tell her,"i still love you... in my eyes you are beautiful, and By God's grace alone made whole... no better or worse than any of us...."
and that's it, that's all i have to say...honest...
for now...
posted by 1weirdgirl at 12:36 AM
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