in case anybody's wondering where i've been

i haven't had much time or opportunity lately... when i am somewhere with internet connection, i'm too busy feeding, cleaning or otherwise entertaining children, and whenever i do have a minute to relax or blog... i don't have internet connection...

i've been feeling rather at the end of myself lately, but my beautiful family, and the wonderful weather have kept that last thread i'm hanging onto just strong enough...

of course today is a little not so sunny, but i am so in love with my husband and daughters i don't mind as much as i normally would...

it's all the other millions of little things that suddenly derail me over and over again throughout the day...

Chloe' spitting up on my last clean outfit just as we'refinally out the door
Coming out of the store to find a $40 parking ticket on our car
Catching Adora eating the dog food we gave her to feed p\Pepe' (Desta's dog) to keep her from feeding him her food
Getting the message that one of the ladies from our church in sacramento left a meal for us outside our door last night cause we weren't home but had already set up a meal for that day...
they hoped we got it...
we were in san francisco...
have been for a week now...
I came with 2 changes of clothes for everyone besides what we were wearing, thinking we were only here for the one night,,, that was last tuesday...

I can't wait to be home again... but then we're planning to leave for Oregon soon...

But on the up and up we got to see some dear friends of ours down in Santa Cruz last night. On a whim we decided to go to the beach...

The ocean has always been a big source of revival for me and I'm so glad we went, and I'm so glad to have seen them as well...

and there's no better house that I can think of to be a guest in than where we are...

I'm blessed...

and I know it, but i still feel on the verge of totally falling apart at just about every other moment...

And, speaking of children, mine are both up again, and one is poopy and the other hungry and bored... and not so happy about it either...
go figure...

our pysanky collection...

we do these ourselves, and though they are by no means anywhere near as impressive as the proffessional ones, we love them just the same...


this is our entire collection so far, some were done last easter by us and some of our friends, and a few more were added this year...


i didn't like the way the picture turned out, but we had rack of lamb for easter dinner.. this is a big treat for us. something we can't really afford and never would've gotten but for the fact that i was feeling somewhat sentimental about passover and all, and was in the mood for lamb... luckily it was on sale

oh yeah.. and i finally got desert... fresh fruit tart and a mini cupcake... well worth the wait

Easter...

(just a taste of the life of an Ershbock... we take our holidays seriously...)

we had a pre-easter morning with Ed's mom (this was last week)... she got Adora a basket with treats and we woke her up early to celebrate and go to the easter egg hunt at howe park





off to the easter "egg-o-rama" --- fun stuff


while waiting for the actual 'hunt' there was lotts of fun and games... face paint...and candy...





more smiles...



more fun and games...




unfortunately their easter egg hunt there was not much fun...


They had it separated into different age groups, and the area made for the 'walking to three years old' was very small, and there were hardly enough eggs for half the children to "find" even one... let alone the fact that a lot of the parents, in their consumerist menatlity, went in with or allowed their older kids in to "help" their younger siblings... as well as trample the little ones... There wasn't room or time for a "hunt" at all, it was very chaotic, and there were adults standing on the sidelines shouting "go get 'em, get 'em, go!!" It was more like a free for all frenzy that left many little girls crying.. it was a very sad thing. It upset eddie so much we almost left right then and there, and of course he wanted to give some people a peice of his mind... But his mother and I figured we paid 8 bucks for our tickets and we weren't leaving without an egg or two, so we convinced eddie to take adora in to the bigger kid one and help get her some... he had to stand over 2 eggs and threaten any kid that came to get them just so adora could have the experience of "finding" one...

Well, to make it a happy memory, we went home and had our own easter egg hunt, and that was great... she loved it, and would run across the yard when she saw one... or point... and would get so excited... there were so many, and to her it was very important to get them all... it was so fun to watch...




easter day

this was the best shot I could get of the girls and their matching dresses that grammy made them... we were stupid enough to try this after the sugar rush... cuz of course we had to have a real easter hunt on easter day, with real treats in each egg...




oh and eddie really wanted me to show off our dinner and our pysanky (ukrainian easter eggs)... or at least our humble attempts at it...
(coming soon)

Every mother's worst nightmare...

Ok, maybe not every mother, and maybe not worst, but bad enough to warrant another trip to the emergency room

I'm starting to think I should start a blog just on the mishaps of Theodora...

So, we were in the city again for a few days, and on the last night there, last night actually, we stopped by a friends house (Kenny and Camilla) to hang out and visit and such... We get hungry, and Ed talks me into cooking while he goes to tie up some loose ends at the job site...

Literally 10 seconds before dinner was done I hear the crashing, and clatter in the other room, and I run out of the kitchen and into the semi hallway with the 3 other girls there, to find Adora lying in a pile of broken glass... and not the shattering kind like a windshield will make when it breaks, but huge chunks and shards sharper than razor blades all around her....
Somehow she had knocked or pulled down a very tall mirror that was leaning against the wall, and it fell and broke right on top of her...

My first instinct upon seeing her frightened and screaming on the floor, was to pick her up, never minding the possibility of getting cut myself, I just wanted to get her out of there as soon as possible, before she moved on her own, before she got cut... that was before I saw the blood...

At first I couldn't tell where it was coming from, it was everywhere... I did pick her up, of course, and as I held her in my arms, both of us terrified, the streaks all over her face seemed to all be huge gaping wounds

I fought back the panic with every ounce of me and, near to hysteria but somehow keeping my cool, I got the idea to run water over her, both to wash away any unseen glass still on her as well as locate the actual cuts...

Getting her clothes off was a bit of a chore... Though I naturally gave up rescuing them from any blood stains, way too late for that as it was, I was still nervous and trying to be careful to not worsen what wounds she already had...

"It's okay baby girl, you're fine, you're such a good girl, you're ok, it's okay, it's alright honey, calm down" all of this I'm saying as much to myself as I am to her... She was actually handling it fine... till the water came... I've never heard her scream so loud or seen her shake so intensely... It chilled me to the bone. Words can't even contain the turbulent rivers of all my thoughts, fears and emotions, as I tried desperately to calm her as well as see for sure how bad the damage was... I was so afraid that it was worse than I could bear... 'her beautiful face is ruined' I heard myself thinking... I checked all over her body, and as the water made it's way with my eyes I could finally see that it was NOT THAT BAD!!!!!...

One slightly deep cut on her forehead, with a few surface cuts, and some tiny thin slices on her hands....

I held her, naked and wet, with a towel around her body and tissue pressed to her head... and just breathed... I wanted to freeze up... scream... tear down walls, I don't know... but all I could do was breathe. Half of me in shock, and the other half thanking God in dizzy, bewildered relief. How easily it could have been worse, and yet, was so scary and raw and insane I thought my head would explode...

When I let go of the cut, I could see that it was rather wide and deep looking, and I was sure it would need stitches, while the others were nothing major really, though they sure contributed to the blood flow.

The girls (Camilla and her sister and one of her roommates) were each wonderful, angels really, bringing me every thing I asked for in seconds... One cleaned up the glass, and another held Chloe', and Camilla stood by, feeling my fear and pain...
I had said already that I was sure I should take her to the hospital, that she would probably need stitches...(and was again soooo glad I had Medi-Cal) and Camilla offered to go with. Thank God for people like that. I am so shy to ask for help usually, and it was soo relieving just to have her there. We both felt bad, me for the drama I brought to her house and the mess and the mirror, and her for not having a more child proof home... On both sides we were each easily forgiven, and forgiving...

Luckily the hospital was only a block away, no joke, and we were seen right away...

I had put a band-aid on to hold the cut shut and explained to the nurse that it was really wide, but at first glance he and the doctor both thought the band-aid was enough... Then after cleaning the area, it opened up again and he could see that it was as wide as I was saying. They didn't do stitches, but they have this stuff called dermabond, that is basically like a super glue for skin, and works as good if not better than stitches, and they used that...

Teddy was such a trooper I could hardly believe it. She was laughing and playful and friendly the whole time, and didn't cry but once when they put the stuff on, which I'm told does sting quite a bit. They had expected her to cry more than she did, and I was so proud of her... not that I would blame her at all if she did totally freak out, but her ability to recover from trauma so quickly and effortlessly sure was a blessed treat for my already shot nerves...

It almost didn't feel real, the way it went from, my daughter's about to die, to she's scarred for life- kiss that supermodel career goodbye, to it's ok, just a big boo boo, to giggling and flirting in the hospital room... All in a half an hour...

Camilla joked on the way home that the nurses, seeing our rings, might have assumed that we were married to each other, as 2 mothers... Not too strange a notion in the city.... since there was no "dad" there...

Well...comic relief... and home we went.. to finally eat our pasta, and relax, or try, till daddy came home...

Gosh... I really don't know if I can survive another scare like that, let alone something really bad happening.. I probably shouldn't but I can't stop thinking about how bad it could have been.. I mean it landed and broke right over her face, it could've been her eye or mouth or throat.... Ok I should stop.. I'm really just so thankful, and can't count my blessings enough.... All that glass and to walk away with such minor cuts that "should heal nicely", and "I wouldn't expect any permanent scar at all"

Can you believe it?

The craziest thing is how a tiny part of me regretted not getting pictures...As if I'll ever want to see that horrid sight again... And who wouldn't think me the completely insensitive wack-job to have the time in all of that to whip a camera out...
but I guess I'm not the only nutcase, cuz 1 out of every 2 or 3 people I've told asked if I got pictures...

it's funny what blogging does to a person.. when you start getting this sense of meticulously documenting your life.. you don't want to miss a single thing...

As a writer I can understand it somewhat... Almost everything I go through in life has to be filtered through this part of me that "writes" it all out in my mind... Every good or bad event is constantly bumbling about in this or that array of words, till it finds the 'just right' fit and it all makes sense... I can hardly understand some things sometimes till I've successfully worded it all in such a way as to draw on the feelings I had at the time... Words are my coping skill I guess, and though pictures are said to paint a thousand of them, and though I aspire secretly to excel in photography one day, that is one picture I don't need painted in my mind any more than these thoughts I share that are my release...

Robot Baby

I don't know if this will be quite as funny to read as it is to watch, but I figured it's odd enough that I ought to at least share it.

For as long as I can remember, Theodora has hated getting her diaper changed. Sometimes more than others, and lately, probably ever since that bad diaper rash she had, I've literally had to drag her, kicking and screaming, all the way to it and throughout it. There have been times when she has screamed so loud, and with such terror, I relly was afraid an overhearing neighbor might try and report us, or file some complaint to CPS.

There has been little to no effect in every different approach we have taken, except one. I don't know where Ed got the idea, or what made him start doing this, but one day, a few days ago, daddy discovered the way she likes to have it done.

I had asked Ed to change her diaper one day, as i often do, because I was sick of being the 'bad guy'. He willingly went and grabbed the “humble mat” that we some times use for diaper changes, laid it down in the middle of our living room floor, on top of which he spread the changing pad. He called Adora over and started chanting this phrase in robotic monotone. “Time to lay down, time to lay down, time to lay down” over and over... naturally it caught my attention, but the result I could have never expected...

'She doesn't even understand what you're saying' I was thinking, and almost said, when to my shock and total dismay, Adora walks right over and onto the mat and slowly sits down. She then starts leaning back, ever so slowly, almost in rhythm with his chant, back and back she leaned, as if some force wass overcoming her will to resist, till plop, flat she lay, waiting. Her waiting seemed to imply that she did in fact understand, and not just the words 'lay down' but the intent to get her diaper changed as well. But it wasn't only as if she understood, it was like Ed was speaking this specific command that was ingrained into her very being, like hypnotism... I continued to watch in disbelief, as he ended his chant and proceded to do the 'dirty work', without one single peep or whimper from his obedient subject...!!! Ed likes to think of it as her sensing her father's omnipotent che forces...

Well so much for him getting to be the 'bad guy' that day... now he's practically a hero! But along with that, luckily enough, diaper changing has now become a source of entertainment, rather than a torture session. We each do it every time now, and she even will wait till we start chanting “time to get up, time to get up...” to get up and walk away, with a smile on her face... Before she would be trying so desperately the whole time to get away from me or him, and would practically run away as soon as she was 'freed from our evil clutches'...

It really is quite something to watch, and almost does make her look like some strange sort of robot... but at least she's not freaking out, waking the baby up and giving me a migrain every 2 hours anymore...(we change her diaper every 2 hours with cloth diapers... sometimes 3 or 4...so you can say I'm sure glad to have that over with...)

highlights of our day in the city...

that elusive smile... every effort to capture it hence far has proven either not quick enough, or overexposed


just strollin'




Daddy and his girl (the bigger one anyway)


Adora and Grandma Mary



mommy and chloe'



the park...






the beach...

yesterday...

The life of a mom is full of awkward moments and bad timing...

I could go through my routine just perfectly; feed the baby, burp the baby, tuck her in all cozy in her swing, which I know she loves, go set the table, everyone's happy as clams, and just as I'm sitting down, or right when the fork is brought to my lips, "waaaaaaaahhhhhhh waaahhhhhhh wahhahahahahhhhhhhhh...."

Or how she pees right before I get the next diaper under her...

Or spits up just before I get the burp rag...

One Sunday at church, we decided to let Adora stay with us for the service... she was doing so good, sitting quietly, and apparently even paying attention, cuz as soon as she noticed that one word in the pastors sermon that she's not allowed to say but had recently become obsessed with, she shouts it right back to him...
Not a second after he said no she's proudly displaying her free will to say "NO!!!!" And not too quietly either... Luckily no one was offended...
One of the times that daddy explained to her that she's not allowed to say it, she decided that "ooooohhhhh noooooo" was the proper response...

Right as I'm getting up to the check out stand when I'm grocery shopping is another favorite time of Chloe''s for her to wake up and start screaming at the top of her lungs, and literally spit out the pacifier if I offer it.. or just scream right around it if I hold it there...

Yesterday, as I was waiting to be picked up from the courthouse, I just start nursing Chloe' and all under a 2 minute time frame, my mom, who I'd been trying to reach all day, finally calls back, Ed calls and says they'll be outside in 5 seconds and he expected me to be there as well. I knew if I pulled Chloe' off at that moment she'd only freak out in hysteria until she got her milkies again, plus, I reminded Ed, he had to come in with the money to pay the court...
So he comes in, and I'm standing and nursing Chloe' and he brought Adora in too who wanted me to pick her up, and I had to got to the counter to pay, and just as I get there and the lady starts talking, the phone rings again!!!
ahhh!!!!
and people get the funny notion to leave messages saying, "why do you have a cell phone if you never answer it?"
like the whole reason anyone has one is to have no life outside of answering it every time it rings
Anyway...
In case anyone wanted to know how it all went I'll tell the whole story...
I was so nervous all morning... We left sac-town around 5:30... they say to come early cause of limited seating, and come to find, though the doors don't open till 8am, the line started forming at 7... we got there about 7:20 :) and I was one of the first 10 in line, which quickly lengthened, to maybe 60 or so by the time they let us all in... They only let the first 50 people in to the 9:30 court room, and the next 50 to the 2pm one and the rest have to come back another day...

I had to feed Chloe' once when I first got there, outside in the cold... I didn't mind at all, though people stared... I figure they just need to get over it if they have a problem...
I didn't mind at all...we were both a lot warmer, and I was sad to put her back in the car seat...
Then I fed her once again while waiting outside the actual courtroom across the street, and when they started letting people in, they told me I had to wait out in the hall and the lady would come get me when the judge called me up... I assumed they just didn't even want the possibility of an interuption
I thought for sure it would be right when she woke up again that they'd come out to tell me the judge was ready to see me...or else I would picture going up before the judge and he'd ask "how do you plead" and right as I open my mouth she'd wail...
But that didn't happen, she was a perfect little angel and slept the whole time... hallelujah!!!
So I go up before the judge, and he says
"you received a citation for improper use of the diamond lane, how do you plead?"

"um.. guilty I guess..the signs weren't very clear..."
(I had prayed right before going up, because I didn't want to come across too demanding,and I didn't want to lie, I just hoped for whatever grace possible, and wanted to have the right heart about it... And we really couldn't afford another set back like this, being so far behind as we are... The courtesy notice said the fine was $390.00)

"the fine is $186.00, you have 30 days to pay it..,

at first I was relieved, it being less than I thought... but I still dared for more... I had asked God to put the words in my mouth, afraid if I spoke on my own I'd totally blow it... Before I even thought I heard myself say "I was wondering if I could maybe do community service or something, I'm really poor and just had a baby, and I don't know that I could ever pay this"

"alright, 18 hrs community service, have a seat, and see the clerk when she calls you"

I sat down astonished... I totally wasn't going to ask for community service, I didn't think it the best option at all, given the fact that I had an almost 2 month old baby... but when he said it, it felt like it was from God...

So the clerk gave me some paperwork to bring to the community service people across the street, and I went to see them...
The lady was really nice, but her news wasn't very good...
The fee for community service was $20.00-no biggie, but if I wanted it transferred to Sacramento, instead of there in Oakland, it would be another $80.00... and I only had 2 months to complete it, so I don't know how I'd do it in Oakland, plus with gas and everything, we'd be looking at near the same price as the fine either way...
I was discouraged, to say the least...
I was considering going back to talk to the judge, thinking if he fully heard me out he might still drop the whole thing, or put me on a form of probation or something, I don't know...
I go back across the street and back upstairs. The lady said I would have to wait till the end of the court hearing, and there was still at least 30 people left... I was willing, till it occurred to me that maybe I hadn't fully covered all my options with the community service deal.. It really had felt from God, and I didn't want to overstep my bounds with the judge, or annoy him, or appear as someone just looking for a free ride.... I really was mostly concerned with the little one, ad us being so broke, and yes, truthfully the sense that our judicial system can be a bit unfair the way it squeezes money out of people for the littlest things..
anyway, I went back to the comm. ser. people, project 22 is what it's call, I spoke with a different lady, and she was just as nice, yet slightly more empathetic with my situation.... I had asked if there was a way I could start the service right away, since my husband would be in the city next week anyway, she doubted it, and given the fact that I have 2 kids, and no childcare options, especially with the youngest being breastfed, she seemed genuinely concerned...
she asked me if I belonged to a church...
I told her yes...
there is a church here, that's actually only a few blocks away, that we have felt more than welcomed by, and were seriously considering joining officially...
she said "the reason I ask, is the fee in Sacramento is only for them referring you to an agency registered with us, we are however willing to work with churches not registered with us, in which case it wouldn't matter what county you were in, as long as the hours were completed time"

again I was astonished... It all seemed so perfect... Ed is always wanting me to volunteer somehow, and be more involved in the community and build relationships... Granted this may seem like a one sided deal, but I really was seeing it as not only a huge gift from God as a way out of paying the fine, but a wonderful opportunity to get me involved somehow... get my foot in the door so to say, and really bless them as a fellowship, as well as build relationships with the church we are growing to love...
"is it really that easy?" I was asking

"oh yeah, all you need to do is....." minor details I don't need to kill my hands typing... But it really is so easy I can hardly believe it... And I can't wait to talk to them about it...

it almost feels like cheating, I don't know why, but none the less I felt I was walking in open heavens all day long after that...

i just thought...

another way to describe it is
rain with thunderstorms is like:
first you have this raw slab of meat... you don't want to eat it totally raw, but you don't want to overcook the thing either... so the thunderstorms come in and bring the perfect temperature and the perfect timing to make a rump roast into a fillet mignon seared to perfection, all bloody pink on the inside...mmmmm

sorry to all you vegetarians out there...

for the vegan i would say
it's like first you got all these random veggies that are flooding your house... total inconvenience right... well the lightning is like calling in the worlds top chefs, to make a million soufflee's, and casseroles, and soups, and salads, and appetizers and you name it, your heart's delight times a thousand, and then you throw this big party and invite everyone and it's a big hit, and people are like, wow i never knew vegetarians could eat so good...
gosh... i really do get carried away...
food is my other main love, as anyone who knows me knows... so i can't help but compare really wonderful things to food...

i actually was a vegan for a while, and a raw foodist for a time too...

not sure why i eat meat again really,
it started a few years back with God teaching me to have a thankful heart, and to gladly recieve any food offered me without complaint, especially in a time of need... but it still wasn't my preference...
then when i married my husband, i wondered how i was going to creatively cook everyday for an avid meat eater..
but since i first got pregnant with adora, my body has craved it near as much as water and air.. not joking.. i used to make fun oh my dad for having to eat meat with every meal... now it's me, all the way...
i'm really hoping to cut down a little though soon... at least on the fatty meats, which are my favorite...as also mentioned, i am italian after all....mmmm sausage.....
anyway...
i think i'm finding myself in a bit of a rambling mood lately...
wonder how long it'll stick around for...


oh yeah.. and the whole hyenna eating the cake thing... that was also a semi-subconcious effort to give sweets a bad image in my mind, as i'm still trying to avoid them, what with the threat of thrush and all... and it being lent.. a time to really be serious about things, sometimes people fast and/or abstain from specific things.. i can't fast right now with a baby to feed, but i really need to avoid sugar.. and with my tending to compare things to food... i kept getting images of pies and ice cream and cake and hot fudge and caramel and cookies and candy and other treats when trying to describe how much i loved thunderstorms...
i think what i'm trying to say is, '' can't wait to eat a stinking bowl of sugar already'!!!!!

spring is here...

and with it the rain!
today was the first not rainy day in i don't know how long... but thankfully tomarrow looks like sunny skies all day long:-) with 0% of percipitation!!! hallelujah!!!
tomarow we go to the city!!!
ed's got some work with a friend, (another hallelujah) and i get to take care of that lame ticket :(
hopefully all will go well, or, if not, i will accept my punishment with a cheerfull heart... 'if you suffer as an evildoer...'
but either way i am so very grateful for the heavens taking a break in their downpour... of course it looks like they'll only pick it up agin.. or dump it all i should say... in a couple days
i think i mentioned somewhere that i hate the rain... well it's not a hate hate, so much as an extreme bummer that can sometimes make me stare out the window crying.... but, i really really really LOVE thunderstorms.... as soon as lightning strikes, i'll run right out in the rain, without a single care... heck i'll even frolick... i really love it... it's my favorite... i almost get a rush just thinking about it...
i have this little ritual i do, especially out in illinois, at my parents where it's so flat you can see for miles and miles and miles, whenever the bolts are flashing, i'll drive the car out somewhere where there's a good view, and i'll just stare into the skies with wonder and awe for hours and hours... sometimes there's afew storms at one time... sometimes theres lightning that fills the entire sky with a dominoe effect, and, though it all happens so fast, it feels like it will never end, it'll do this craxy spider web dance, like a bomb that triggers another bomb, that triggers threee more, and they trigger six, and i feel like my head will explode in excitement...
if it's not raining i'll lay on top of the car...otherwise i usually stay in the car... but i have been known on occasion, to dance outside in the rain during a thunderstorm....
i don't know what it is, but rain without the lightning is like a sandwich without bread... or ice cream that's been sitting out in the sun for days, with ants all over it.. no... it's like your birthday cake... your favorite kind of cake... being eaten by a pack of hyeenas right after they ate some animal... ok that's just gross...
rain wihout lightning, to me, is like finding pencil shavings in the bottom of the cup of coffee you just drank, or poop in your shoe... right after you put your foot in...
allright.. i guess you get my point.. though i don't feel i'm quite hitting the mark...
anyway... rain is especially annoying when you're a family that hang dries your clothes... especially since all the mudd and stuff makes the clothes dirty faster, and you really hate using the dryer endlessly, like it seems you do with a newborn, and a toddler in cloth diapers...
ah well..
all that to say, i'm really gonna enjoy the sun tomarrow.. even though i won't get the much loved bonus of hanging my laundry in the yard and smelling it every time i open my back door... cuz i'll be in the city...
but that's a fun bonus in and of itself.. so enough rambling, i'm going to bed now...

ok, enough talk, it's picture time...

sunday in the park



pretty little girl





snuggle bug



snoozin with nanny joe


matching jammies



mommy -n- me



daddy's girl






lunch time




best buds




funny faces