ok i'll admitt it...

i'm pretty thankful for my hubby too...

even if he can be a bit of a stinker.. we are too good together to let go...
when we remember how good our love really is, life is not only worth living again, but we are both humbled to see how blessed we are to have each other...
today i thank God, for my husband and his new found love and apreciation for me...

i really oughta learn to look on the bright side....

after all...
i have 2 of the most beautiful little girls in all the world!









even if every other thing in the world that i love should fall apart... i still have them.. and i better get my act together and enjoy every second of their precious lives before.... well we won't even go there...
i just thank God for them, even if they're the only thing, they are something great, and i am so glad...

progress...

i ate today...
just now...
for the first time in a while it seems...

i have slim fast some days, but most days it is coffee and cigarettes, and maybe a peice of pumpkin bread...

anyway.. i'm not sure i like the feeling of food in my stomach any more, but we shall see...

it is a strange thing to feel like you can litterally watch yourself slip away and not even care.

i have spent too much time consumed by the ideas that
a) i am no good.
b)nmy husband will never cherish, apreciate, or love me the way i want or think i need, and
c) sooner or later i will totally screw up my kids, mentally and spiritually... the physical part i blame on bad genes, that i too have inherited but have no control over...

these ideas, which i will no longer call realities, have been defining me.. or at least i have been letting them... and i let every scene play out in my day to day, as only further prooff, and with them as central themes...

i cannot say for sure that i am totally powerless over it.. but it seems if i am, God wants me to be... and the more i fight it, the stronger it gets, and the more i am faced with my insufficiency... and quite frankly, that is okay.

i have always thought that to realize your weaknesses is a good place to be... but when you let those weaknesses consume you, and control you and they are in fact your reality, then that is when the darkness is getting too close... it may start slow.. even unnoticeable, but when you are in it, it can seem too late, like there is no turning back...

i had to realize today that my husband is not my savior... not in any sense... wether he could be, or should be, or would even want to be, are not the questions... at least i cannot let these questions sit too long in my head without seriously wanting to kill myself... or him... and at this discovery it is very clear... he cannot help me.. i cannot force him to or even let him if he tries. it is too great a burden, and as of yet he is unwilling to carry it, even if... you know... the whole "shoulacouldawoulda" trip...

so there it is... that is my marked moment of clarity...

Gad alone is my salvation, and God alone will decide what and when any progression in my state shall be made.. and again, that is okay.

today is the marked day of letting go.

what have i to say for my self?

not much really...
i've been blogging a little on "myspace".. and maybe i will post some here...
i have been admittedly depressed lately, and am considering medications... i can't base my happiness on others' and their inability to readmy mind... so.. i am trying alternatives...
we shall see..
i thank you all for your love and prayers, and want you to know that i am with my family, and i am working through some of my own issues, in the process of trying to not focus so much on someone else's issues... it will be a long hard road, but God, fortuantely, is on my side...
thanks again...
peace and blessings to all in Him

shaken and stirred

well life really is strange
and it seems to me that most people don't really know how to love, though most of us want to, or at least we say we do...

the more i think about it the more i see that (forgive me if this is obvious) love is more of a sacrifice than a good feeling... it seems people want to do the thing that feels good, or makes someone else 'happy', but is that love? maybe not in all circumstances... maybe sometimes the truly loving thing to do, might actually look more hurtful than not...

i heard once that to 'bless' someone litterally meant to bleed for them. this would imply that it is not just 'giving a good thing', but that it costs you something more than just the gift, that the actual giving of it is painful. by considering your self less... being willing to hurt for an other's benefit.

in the bible, Paul gives a description of love, that most of, if we're honest, can easily see we fail at.
Love is patient, love is kind... nver boastful, never rude.. never seeks its own, never rejoices in evil or keep record of wrongs... hopes all things, trusts all things... endures all things... why is it so hard? what is it in us that makes us struggle with the most basic necessity of life?

C. S. Lewis noted an interesting thing, why is it that when we are mean we blame it on being tired or hungry, why doesn't fasting make us more, kind more gentle, rather than irritble and tense...


whats inside comes out i guess, like the water in a glass... dirty or pure, if you shake the glass, the water will come out

sometimes i fear that my depression really does run too deep to be set free
i never really know what to expevt with myself
at least not the specific kind of fear, worry or evil.
but fear worry and evil themselves are all to dependable

i'm glad there are some who call me friend
cuz it really starts to feel as though i don't have any

i feel like i will never be validated in my feelings
they are always wrong
or selfish
or proud
or rude
or some other thing that makes them not worth considering

i feel like even if i had everything i ever wanted, i would just ruin it all anyway

and as sorry as i am for the way that i am
i cannot change it

and i am tired of asking God for the help that never comes...

indeed it has been a while...

funny thing is i don't have much to say lately... or rather, not much i want to say...

i've been back and forth and round about, torn up and washed ashore, through near a million emotions, and back into the raging stormy seas over and over again...

there have been the sweetest and the most bitter of times in all my life...

i'm not sure that i am in a place to share really though.... my heart is full to overflowing, and i can't say that my sanity can truly be trusted these days... luckily there is those few and far between moments that life is good, and i regain just enough courage and strength to leap on over to the next lily pad of solace... meanwhile i am a frog in waters full of hungry predators, and feel as though i haven't a friend in all the world... even my husband is more distant to me than ever, and i'm not at all sure just what the light will be shining on at the end of the tunnel- if i ever make it there-....

just thought i'd drop a word for any who still harbor the urge to check in on me once in a while, after these many days of silence