so... i realized...

i never actually shared that i was going back in to the gathering.. in fact i haven't been very clear at all about our plans or happenings... maybe that is because i feel i am pretty much in the dark myself till the last minute possible, and then all of a sudden i see where i am... i guess i figured it only fair that no one be any more informed than i myself am... or, the obvious answer, had i known, i probably would've said so...

N-E-WAYS...

well, finally arrived.. safe and sound, in illinios... around 7 o'clock this morning, but since we passed out in between then and now, it feels like yesterday...

another thing is... i still feel like i'm in the process of adjusting to reality... life has been a little bit shocking as of late... not too bad though.. i mean i'm fed, my kids are well and fed well too.. things could be worse... but there still is this looming anticipation all about me.. this sense of something... coming... in some ways it has faded, and yet in others it has become more strong...

on another note, i also realized that if blogging is for writers, i have been treating as more of an improv outlet than a place to tell well rehearsed and final draft stories...

i write how i am right at that moment... whatever is on my mind... and if i have and idea for too long, the passion for it fades and i no longer know how to write about it....

and stories or ideas that i did manage to write on my computer, when i read them later they sound dumband annoying.... like this one for example:
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I feel I am letting my identity slip away from me... like I am slowly becoming a stranger to myself...

Sometimes I wonder how much it really matters... if I even matter at all...

I mean who am I really? What role do I play in the Master plan of this so called Life?

But even if it is true, the sad part to me is that I don’t even seem to mind... I feel no urge within me to protest... I simply feel a meloncholy acceptance... or at least the registering of the facts, and the noted tinge of sadness mingled in...

I’m not angry. I’m not even fully desiring to blame anyone... If anything I expressly don’t want to do anything about it, or at least I have no idea what to do... I’m tired... tired of fighting, tired of caring, tired of trying... I just want to give up and see what comes of it... I don’t want to be anybody, let alone me...

Least of all me...
But I can’t honestly say that I want to be who I’m sensing myself to be becoming either...

Oh what to do...

I’m sure I can’t stay in this state for long...

I have too many people that depend on my coherency...

People who would have been done no good by being explained to...“Hold on baby, Mommy’s trying to figure out who she is right no, let her have some space...”

hmmm... don’t think that will quite work...

I guess there are some luxeries to sitting in a car for hours on end passing mind numbing landscapes, and the little ones have finally drifted off and the one who is considered your partner in life understands you a whole lott less than you do yourself...

I can have my own private little meltdown right here if I wanted...

but somehow it is not quite the release I long for... you know, like running through one of these seemingly endless feilds, screaming at the top of my lungs, the wind full force behind me, near ready to lift me right off my feet and up into the air... to the clouds even...

‘Oh had I wings, like a dove.. I would fly away and be at rest....’
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what kind of trip was i on?