Monday, October 09, 2006
shaken and stirred
well life really is strange
and it seems to me that most people don't really know how to love, though most of us want to, or at least we say we do...
the more i think about it the more i see that (forgive me if this is obvious) love is more of a sacrifice than a good feeling... it seems people want to do the thing that feels good, or makes someone else 'happy', but is that love? maybe not in all circumstances... maybe sometimes the truly loving thing to do, might actually look more hurtful than not...
i heard once that to 'bless' someone litterally meant to bleed for them. this would imply that it is not just 'giving a good thing', but that it costs you something more than just the gift, that the actual giving of it is painful. by considering your self less... being willing to hurt for an other's benefit.
in the bible, Paul gives a description of love, that most of, if we're honest, can easily see we fail at.
Love is patient, love is kind... nver boastful, never rude.. never seeks its own, never rejoices in evil or keep record of wrongs... hopes all things, trusts all things... endures all things... why is it so hard? what is it in us that makes us struggle with the most basic necessity of life?
C. S. Lewis noted an interesting thing, why is it that when we are mean we blame it on being tired or hungry, why doesn't fasting make us more, kind more gentle, rather than irritble and tense...
whats inside comes out i guess, like the water in a glass... dirty or pure, if you shake the glass, the water will come out
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more on love and striving for godliness...
Current mood: in awe
what is it about our so called love, as humans,that can drive us to do such unloving things? or is it even love at all... it feels like the deeper and stronger i love someone, the more fearful and worried and jealous i become. but that is not hope and trust. nor is it kind, or pure..
i see jealousy as a lack of faith and hope, more than a right of protection. i see worry and fear as a disregard of the love and care God has shown me... God is so patient and so willing, when i am so weak and unstable... while we were yet sinners eh? there trully is no merrit in all humanity to deserve the blessings our Maker showers on us. yet they keep coming... though, most of us can honestly say, that it is not often easy to see the joy in life...
it was always funny to me that God warned the isrealites to be careful of the day that all their needs were met, and their cup litterally overflowed.. they were warned to be careful to not forget the Lord their God, who gave them all these things, and brought them out of slavery and oppression...
it's funny because today it seems the opposite, where we are most likely to doubt God's presence when things are hard or cruel... but it is these times that the believer cries out in recognition of our need of God, be it God's love, protection or salvation...
when life is good and all is well we lose sight of our need, though i sometimes think i would be finally able to praise God, and this is selfishness, and it runs out... you may at first be thankful, when freshly set free from a terrible state, but as the hard times grow farther away, so does the idea that we are unable to sustain our lives in a fruitful way without such Presence...
i go back and forth between feeling justified in my fears and frustrations, and feeling humbled by my lack of faith... it should not matter what my circumstances are, i should be able to praise God on merrit alone... goodness and faithfulness, despite the lack of love i see in the world... and further more, if Jesus called us to love even our enemies, how can i dare stand, when i fail at loving the ones who are most dear to me...
sure i 'love' them in my mind, but do i trust them, do i honor them, do i never lose patience or gentleness. am i always seeking their good, no matter the cost it is to me... and do i believe they are doing the same?
well i want to, and i can see so clearly at times, how it is not the nature of humanity to do so, but it is the gift of God...
every trully good deed, every pure and rightous act is solely motivated by the heart of God, no matter the influences we try to attribute...
i think in the 'knowledge of good and evil' there is a kind of 'death' that was promised (in the curse) for the knowledge of good, just as much as to the knowledge of evil... the trap is the thinking that we are somehow worthy of any credit towards good or right actions... when really it all comes from God, whose image we were made in...
when i fail to love, it is because i am more concerned with my needs and feelings than anyone elses.... i see the temptation, in the first story of the bible -in the garden- as a picture of the same temptations at work today...
1. doubt the word of God: "did God really say not to eat the fruit?'
2. doubt the consequences of disobedience: "you will not surely die"
3. doubt Gods motives: "really it will make you wise..." (as if there is any other wisdom than that from GOD, AND AS IF HE DOES NOT DESIRE US TO HAVE IT!)
and the biggest one:
4. the temptation to be like Him....
this is the main one i think, way down to the smallest level, like trying to credit myself for right living...
in another post i quoted C. S. Lewis wrong... his question was this: 'why is it that when we are good and kind, we credit our good virtue and upright charachter, but when we are mean or rude, we credit it to lack of sleep or food' i am paraphrasing i know... but the pont is clear...
but it is not necessarily to make my self so small, though that is a big part, but rather it is to say that when i am hurtful, it is not so much that i am so evil, though i surely am, but that i am filling myself with the wrong love, the wrong hope, the wrong words... Gods love is pure, whereas mine, the one the enemy wants me to adapt to and live in, is prideful and self centered...
the very first reaction adam and eve were noted to have once they 'ate the fruit' was them noticing their nakedness... their eyes fell off of God and onto themselves!
Jennifer Knapp sings in one of her songs, that sticks out to me right now: 'my soul can't see, when i only look at me, my heart can't hear, when i only think of my own fear...'
though time and circumstance may give me 'reasons' to doubt and run in fear or hate, these are not the only evidences in my life of some central theme... the theme comes from whom i credit... can i really credit hardships to God? sure maybe God has lessons He want us to learn at various times, but is He limited to the trials, or the presence of evil to teach us such things?
certainly not!!!
how much more glory is it to God, that God's Goodness is so potent, that even in the presence of evil, there is a universe full of life and wonder and truths of glory and freedom! how much more wonderful is it to say that God is so wise, He can work with any situation, and circumstance... wisdom is shouting from the rooftops! despite whatever blundering idiocies the theif wishes to scream at us! the question is who we will listen to... God doesn't have to bring the trial just for us to learn something... the brokenness of our world is already at hand, the trials are already there... far be it from God to add to it!... maybe it is our Creator's desire that we would look deeper, and harder, to what else there is to see... that through God ALL things are possible, that God's love really does wash away every worry fear and otherwise 'evil' attempt of the plunderer...
another favorite musician of mine, Stevie Woner, sings in one of his songs 'you ask me where is my God, and i say it's taking Him so long, cuz we've got so far to come!'
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Monday, October 09, 2006
